Caterwauling

OMG, Holy fucking CHRIST, Jon Bon Jovi is on “The View.” LOOKING HOT.

No one knew I was at work till they heard me SHRIEKING in my office.

I think I just had an orgasm.

*faints*

Gemini horoscope for today, courtesy of Astrocenter.com:

“Someone special who shares your philosophical and spiritual points of view could spend the entire day with you, Goddess. Don’t be surprised if you start feeling a romantic attraction to this person. If you aren’t currently involved, you might seriously consider at least getting to know this friend a little better. Not only do you have interests in common, the good communication, which the two of you share today, is likely to continue indefinitely.”

A girl can dream, anyway. I’m spending the day with my little red stapler. Someone just asked me if my stapler is actually red, and I said it will be when I bludgeon someone with it. So, beware! 🙂

Lachlan posted about the music she grew up with. On 8-track. And also being born in ’74, I felt her pain that the young’ns in her life can’t fully appreciate the music we hold so dear, even if it IS Barry Manilow. (Don’t judge — I love it too!)

I recently had the honor of playing “Guitar Hero” with a dear friend, and well, we appreciate it for COMPLETELY different reasons. He totally rocks at it and knows the songs because, well, that’s probably where he knows most of the songs from. (Ah, to be 25 again. …) And he was GOOD at playing along with songs such as Kiss’ “Strutter” and Kansas’ “Wayward Son” and other goodies from Cream and Bad Religion and White Zombie. *swoon*

(Clearly “Headbanger’s Ball” ruled my world. Yay for the VH1 Classic station!)

See, I completely sucked at the game because I was far too busy headbanging and singing and having flashbacks of WHEN THESE SONGS WERE ON THE RADIO. And not satellite radio or “oldies” stations — when they came out, kids. (Don’t get me started on how much I was digging Warrant’s “Cherry Pie,” either. LOVED IT.)

He was terrific at the game because he played it enough to learn the songs and feel the rhythm and could actually play at an advanced level. Old-ass here couldn’t even master the beginner level because she was too busy remembering how much she wanted to be a GROUPIE, not a GUITARIST!

(I have my grandfather’s guitar now. I totally have “taking lessons” on my to-do list now.)

I felt really old when I realized my companion hadn’t even been born when MTV launched; I think I was 8 years old but I remember diggin’ me some Buggles on that glorious August day. 🙂

It’s funny — MTV used to play the same 15 or so videos in constant rotation way back when. But now that they have MILLIONS of videos to choose from, you’ve got to be up at 4 a.m. in order to see any of ’em because everything’s “Real World” and “Road Rules” and whatever shows distract us from, gee I don’t know, learning about new music and enjoying some of the old.

I really don’t think that I’m all that old, but how sad is it that the music I grew up with is “new and hip” to the next generation and for me, it’s nostalgia?!?!

Oh, and don’t THINK I haven’t downloaded the “Guitar Hero” set as my new-favorite iTunes playlist. … 😉

I’ve been having these Bizarro World days in which they were both the best and worst of my life, all rolled up into one.

I’m going to take a piece of my own advice and not concentrate on the yucky bits because wasting time thinking about them only seems to generate/attract more of them. But what I did come out of all this with was this: Apparently I’m not the only one who makes mistakes in life. Sometimes it seems like I’m the only one who regrets them, but enh, at least I’m not the only a-hole on the planet who consciously, willingly and even enthusiastically jumps headfirst into an empty pool.

I had a dream the other night, in which I kept telling people to go away because I was meditating. I had told people that I meditated two to three times a day, and that’s why I was so healthy. Hmm. I can dig it — maybe a sign from above to do just that?

I was in mid-meditation yesterday (hey, it actually helped!) when I could actually feel the world turning. I was suspended in a moment, literally hanging in midair, when I realized that’s all this life is — a string of moments, both good and bad, but ALL of our own choosing.

Even if we don’t choose to, say, have somebody let the air out of our little balloons, we do choose how to handle it. We can smile and act fine — fuck, we can smile and BE fine.

Or we can just stop pretending to be fine because we’re not — at least, not at that moment. Even if we will be eventually — even if it just takes us needing to walk three steps away and gulp down some non-toxic air.

In my moment of meditation, I realized I screwed up U, V, W, X and Y in hopes that Z would eventually happen. And I realized that Z wasn’t screwing anything up for anybody — that Z was just enjoying apparently A through T just fine. And I’m sorry but you just can’t have your cake and eat me, too, as Mom would say. 😉

The lesson? If I can’t make U, V, W, X and Y work, what makes me think Z is going to be the thing that actually happens flawlessly?

I know I am in self-help land right now with the “Laws of Attraction,” but it’s all good. I’m reprogramming here. It’s probably the only reason why I don’t short-circuit; some outlets are unplugged anyway so the switchboard isn’t overloaded!

“There are avenues and supplements
And books stacked on the shelf
Labyrinths of recovery
In search of our best self
But most of what will happen now
Is way out of our hands
So just let it go
See where it lands.”

— Indigo Girls, “I Believe in Love”

I’m not insinuating that Sabre knows how to goof off online really well, but she DOES post some treasures. 😉

Odd Questions. BE TRUTHFUL.

1) Do you talk in your sleep?
Oh yeah. I was told that I sing, too. *hides face*

2) Ocean or pool?
Ocean, lake, river, pool, reservoir, whatever — you can always find me near water in my free time. Not IN it, just NEAR it.

3) What’s your favorite song at the moment?
I’m going with whatever pops up on iTunes, which honestly, truly happens to be Bon Jovi f/LeAnn Rimes, “Till We Ain’t Strangers Anymore.”

4) Current Crush?
*cough* *swallows tongue* Can I mention another favorite song? A tie between Chris Cornell’s “Billie Jean” and Tori Amos’ “Digital Ghost”? 😀

5) What’s your favorite color(s)?
Black, cobalt blue, purple, red

6) Window seat or aisle seats?
It’s always been window, but after some miserable West Coast flights smashed against the wall with no oxygen as we parked on the tarmac, I’m thinkin’ aisle from now on.

7) Ever met anyone famous?
Scott Baio (in his heyday), Kip Winger (slightly past his heyday), Franco Harris, Lynn Swann, Justin Strzelczyk, Bill Cowher, Mario Lemieux, Jaromir Jagr (hmm, lots of Pittsburgh sports legends), almost met Lisa Lampanelli — was standing 10 feet from her and could have gotten in line to see her, but I was dying of dysentery or something and couldn’t do it.

8) Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
I’m getting there.

9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I complain if a restaurant doesn’t serve a spoon with my ‘sketti.

10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
How old is this survey? “Me want Maury!”

11) Basketball or Football?
Football

12) How long do your showers last?
Judging by my utilities, they aren’t short.

13) Do you know how to drive a stick?
Although I always have my hand on the gearshift, no, only automatic.

14) Cake or ice cream?
Frosting!

15) Are you self-conscious?
Yes, but not prohibitively so. I’d rather call it self-aware

16) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Bleeding-heart, tree-hugger liberal hippie gave some money to bums when she was in college. Then she saw one dressed up and doing just fine a day or two later. I’ve given something to people here and there — mostly to the ones who threaten harm to my car if I don’t.

17) Have you been in love?
Not really.

18) Where do you wish you were?
In my happy place, although I’m getting there. It just takes awhile to unwind after these marathon days.

19) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Once after an accident I was in; another just because my mom was fucking a medic and it was fun to ride in it. 🙂

20) Can you tango?
Tried. FAILED.

21) Last gift you received?
My colleague keeps leaving me cat food from her finicky cats. But a gift for me? Unless I bought it myself, I really can’t remember.

22) Last sport you played?
Thumb-wrestling

23) Things you spend a lot of money on?
Dumb shit, like Wal-Mart and Target runs. Nothing special, nothing collectible, nothing with any value if I needed to sell it.

25) Last wedding attended?
Tom & Tiff’s, one year ago in June.

26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
“Fast” is overstating the issue here in D.C. with, ah, communication barriers. Just sat in Mickey D’s drive-thru for 25 minutes … and I was first in line. But my favorite? I do loves me some Checkers.

27) Most hated food(s)?
Onions. Raw, half-cooked, fried — I don’t care. I will eat onion rings only if someone strips out the onion.

28) Can you sing?
“Can” is pushing the issue. My poor colleague always seems to walk on me when I’ve got the headphones on and hear something I’m particularly happy to obliviously sing to.

29) Last person you called?
I know, Will, I owe you about 40 calls! I last called my friend Shan.

30) What’s your least fav. chores?
Litter-getter. I fucking hate my cats’ stanky booties.

31. Favorite Drink?
Sweet tea. With a lime wedge.

32) Are your parents married or divorced?
Never married. Dad a deadbeat.

33) Do you eat meat?
I’m with Sabre on this one — “I can has cheezburger?”

34) Do you believe in Heaven?
Starting to.

35) Have you ever come close to dying?
Probably more times than I’m consciously aware of.

36) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
Lately it’s a silver Figaro chain and three earrings. I have a whole armoire I never even bother opening.

37) Are you eating?
You know what dinner was? Cleaning out the Candy Corner at work. Cherry Tootsie Pop, strawberry Twizzlers, chocolate-covered raisins. Mmmm.

39) Do you wear makeup?
I can has spackle? All the time, my sweets. It’s for your benefit as well as mine.

40) Can you dance?
I was just groovin’ in the kitchen with the cats to Gwen Stefani’ new single.

41) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Does a bear shit in the woods and eat salmon in the river in TV commercials? 😉

42) What do u wear to bed?
Boxers and a T-shirt.

43) Have you ever done anything illegal?
Not under this name. Well, OK, yeah I did. 😉

44) Can you roll your tongue?
You wanna see?

45) A sphincter says what?
If I quoted people, they might realize I was calling them what they are!

46) What kind of sneakers?
Bejeweled flip-flops and wedges. I don’t paint my toenails for my health!

48) What is your Hair color?
Light brown/dark red/blonde hybrid

49) Future child’s name?
I’ve got a girl’s name picked out, although I’d prefer to have a boy.

50) Do you snore?
I don’t sleep.

51) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Gay Paree, baybee! And Italy, too. Met a boy in a bar recently who claimed to be Italy-bound. It was perhaps the only reason I continued the conversation as long as I did!

52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I have two cats who must be near me at night. Little purballs.

53) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Take a day off of work to go cash the check. And buy an Apple Store. Yes, the whole store!

54) Gold or silver?
Silver

55) Hamburger or hot dog?
I can has cheezburger?

56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Italian

57) City, beach or country?
City

58) What was the last thing you touched?
Petted a kitteh. And sneezed six times.

59) Where did you last eat?
Other than at work? Famous Dave’s

60) When’s the last time you cried?
On Saturday when my friend’s nearly 4-year-old daughter left me an adorable voice message and I heard it while I was sitting in the Mickey D’s drive-thru for 25 minutes.

61) Do you read blogs?
Do you pee in the shower?

62) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
And the point of that would be … ?

63) Ever been involved with the police?
I have acquainted myself with a few in the area for safety purposes.

64) What’s your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
Whatever’s on sale. Currently it’s some sort of Herbal Essences Hello Hydration stuff and Tone bodywash that’s scented like White Lily and Sugar Cane.

Spent the weekend with a friend and her husband (actually, they spent it with me!). Yeesh. It’s amazing what women will settle for. I couldn’t stand being with the man for a day; I don’t know how she doesn’t suffocate him with a pillow. *shudder*

I mean, we were out shopping, and she saw something cute and said she’d love it as a souvenir because we went way the hell out in the boonies. He bought himself a whole bunch of shit and looked at her and said, “You don’t need that.” I was so pissed off that I bought it for her myself. Which I did expressly to show him that he’s not a man, but he didn’t care. I guess I don’t understand how people can lavish money on themselves and not be able to share with the people around them.

Reminds me so much of my idiot ex-stepfather (the one who told me I’d never succeed in life. The asshole whose elder daughter got the “teen parent of the year” award from our high school this year. Loser). I remember going on vacation with him and my mom (once — we never did anything otherwise. I don’t know how Mom kept me entertained so many years as a prisoner in her own house).

Anyway, I remember the vacation vaguely. He complained about how much money he “HAD” to spend. We went to the beach but sure as hell didn’t stay in anything remotely over-the-top. In fact, I remember my mom asking to change rooms twice because the first two rooms were filthy. I remember him, after dinner, saying he shouldn’t have spent that much. Again, not quite lavish, if memory serves.

But back at home, when the only reason Mom and I had any food in the house was because my grandparents wouldn’t let us go hungry, asshole stepfather had every toy known to man — video games, hot-rod car, more bongs than China has tea, concert tickets to the best shows (I remember being so jealous that I couldn’t go with him to see Van Halen), etc. But when Mom would ask for $50 to take me shopping for school supplies and maybe an outfit or two, he’d say no — not his problem. Oh yeah, and he didn’t want her to work.

So I guess I look at my friend, who is going down this same path, and I just don’t get this “you must be barefoot and pregnant (even if you’re working) and not spend a penny unless I say so, but I get everything I want and then some and you’ll be happy because I’m happy” mentality.

I think that’s why I not only bought my friend a souvenir, but I also picked up the dinner check. Because I guess too many years with my stepfather, with me wanting something little and cheap and him always pulling rank on me, that, “Unless you can pay for it, you can’t have it,” has really worn me down. Because I was somehow always terrified that the stepfather would leave us at the restaurant, stuck with the bill and no way to pay it. He was enough of a dick to do something like that for shits and giggles.

I hated being penniless and powerless. I hate seeing other people being treated the same way. I don’t EVER want to feel like I have to grovel for something .. that I owe them something for the slightest amount of not even generosity, but simply kindness. This could explain the generally low expectations I’ve had of people for most of my life.

Typically, when I meet my friends’ boyfriends/husbands, I am happy for them. They give me hope that I could be that happy someday, too. I watch my friends just beam when the love of their life walks into a room. I showed my mom some photos of Tom and Tiff recently, and she was like, holy shit, they look magnificent. Just dreamy and happy and like they’re on Cloud 9.

And that’s what we all need to aspire to. I mean, the friend who stayed with me, I cannot for the life of me name one redeeming quality her man has other than that he put my new shower head on because I wasn’t strong enough to yank off the old one. Knowing him, he probably wanted a cash reward for that one simple gesture, no doubt. *ceremonial applause*

Anyway, I guess when all the single people of the world are sitting around, bemoaning the lack of a regular date to events, all they need to do is look around and see that being alone isn’t the worst thing in the world. Especially when you can spend your own money and time any way you like and not get the hairy eyeball when you’re supposedly defying someone’s wishes.

And don’t think I’m not wondering whether he’ll hide or destroy my souvenir when she’s not looking.

The worst part of it all? He thinks he’s a fucking catch!

OMG, look. He’s all right. He might not be the worst human being who ever walked the earth. If it were the “last man on earth” situation, I probably would wave goodbye to the species, but I’d think about it for 30 seconds. 🙂 He tells me how good a life he’s providing and how much money he makes and all that shit, and he has to one-up everything I say I did or want, although I pretty much failed to be impressed by what he thought he bested me with.

I know that all the things I experience are brought into my life for a reason — to serve as a warning sign, no doubt. But why would someone so good settle for something so … I don’t know … underwhelming? Maybe my friend’s lesson was to look at me and go, wow, she’s pretty happy without anyone’s thumb permanently branded on top of her head — maybe she can get out from underneath it all.

Sad, isn’t it?

I have a bed in my guest room now, and I have guests staying overnight for the first time.

I was thinking today, how different my summer is turning out from what I had planned. Judging from the spring, I really thought this would be the year that I would want for nothing. That … I don’t know, something … was starting.

I don’t know what else to say. I mean, life’s been good and full of intrigue and certainly carries its share of situations that make for good storytelling. But I guess I thought I’d have a very different set of stories to tell.

And there’s a part of me that will always want to know what happened, yet another part of me really doesn’t want to know just in case it’s something that could have been caught/corrected/forgiven. If there’s even something, or a pile of somethings, that can even be identified and not just an intangible evolution, which I keep telling myself is all that it was.

My audiobook tells me to stop focusing on the lack of something because all it does is attract a continuing paucity. Instead, I need to focus on what I want and then getting it. And, apparently, keeping it. But I suppose that’s a whole ‘nother set of self-help books I haven’t discovered yet! 😉