I wrote this epic post from work today, where several of us escaped to get some peace of mind even though it is a holiday. It wasn’t always a company holiday, though — I started on MLK day three years ago.
I was such a scared little rabbit back then, having been unemployed for five months and having a whole $35 in my pocket from selling books on Amazon.com. It’s funny — years later, I am pretty much over all that fear and frustration and exhaustion, and yet I still somehow will always wonder what would have happened to me had I not been hired when/where I was. I’d rather not think about it.
I remember seeing some dollar bills on my boss’ desk. I think it was three or four bucks — change from buying lunch. I remember not being envious that he had food (which I had done without for a long time — too bad I didn’t lose any weight from not eating); I was just thinking how far I could make those few dollars stretch if I had them. A gallon of gas. Thirty packs of ramen noodles. Three items from the McDollar menu. All of those were such a dream and a treat back then.
Pathetic, eh?
Today I had a wee bit of a panic attack at work. And since I’ve been having a handful of those lately, I was starting to think maybe they were work-related. But alas, the pattern has emerged that I flip out only when my mother contacts me, no matter where I am. So even though I’m under a lot of pressure at the office, it’s still pressure that I can manage. It’s everything else, however, that’s pushing me over the edge.
I mean, to the point where my colleagues are not necessarily encouraging me to try Adult Friend Finder, but that if I were already contemplating it, then maybe it isn’t THAT bad of an idea, I get the message loud and clear that I do just need to get laid already.
It’s just too bad most of the “good” ones are married, gay or are serial-killers-in-training! And the others, hell if I know how to read them. *sigh*
But anyway, I thought I did a good job of hiding my downright insanity in the early days of my job. I kept to myself and kept my problems to myself. And these days, I feel like I can’t hide anything. I mean, I was $35 away from being homeless back then! I found my faith during that period, since some of you have been asking. I kind of said, “All right, God. If you want me to make it, this is my last opportunity.”
I wonder if I can say that the next time I’m dating someone. Not that I care much about attracting the opposite sex anymore, at this point. I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was feeling sorry for me because I can’t bring anyone home anymore. Lord. I think my cherry has grown back. And it’s vacuum-sealed!
In any event, I’m aware that my mindset will determine my direction. I guess I’m just scared to dream right now, because that’s all that’s holding me together at this point. And I couldn’t bear to learn that any of these dreams can’t come true, because the visions are crumbling under the weight of reality and I’ve got nothing to replace them with right now.
I’ll be OK. It’s definitely not the “No Bullshit ’08” year I envisioned. But I am looking very much forward to getting to Christmas, looking back and wondering why I was so tweaked out with stress in the first place.