I don’t know if I’m just busier than normal or whether I’m just in a good place these days, but it’s amazing how OK everything is. In fact, I’m kicking my standard feeling that things “could” be better” to the curb in favor of things “will be” better and, in their own way, they already “are.”
I’ve gone back to paper journaling, which is odd since I haven’t had a true diary in several years. I did keep a Word doc diary for quite a while, but I password-protected it and I can’t crack the code to save my life. I’m tempted to just delete the damn thing at this juncture, but I’m sure the magic phrase will come to me eventually.
I had a moment tonight when I was sitting outside a Starbucks with what was supposed to be a skinny mocha but now that SBUX has discontinued the sugar-free mocha syrup, it was just a regular nonfat latte, and I actually had three guys rolling by in their car, waving and smiling. And at first I thought they must have been looking at someone else. But I realized a few moments later that no one else was around. Who, me? *bats lashes at computer since no one else is watching* It was empowering. And somewhat unnerving, because how many people have passed me by whom I’ve never even noticed?
I’m starting to get some of my old sass back. I really retreated into myself for a while. The whys and hows and especially the ways I’m overcoming it don’t matter. I think I’m easing out of the survival mode I’ve unwittingly been thrust into for so many years. Survival is for wimps — it’s getting your groove back that’s the real challenge, and it’s the only real reward. Surviving sucks. Enjoying waking up (even if it is only to go to work) is what really takes some skills.
I think I found one of my new callings today. Again, it’s better left in my head to plot and strategize over for a little while longer. But I had one of those rare moments of clarity when it’s like, hmm, maybe this is one of those reasons why I was put on this earth.
Anyway, I’m having a string of good luck and I’m not even going to knock on wood (mostly because my desk is wrought-iron). I’m just going to expect for it to continue. This is a new approach for me, to not wait for the other proverbial shoe to drop. Just throw it across the room, if that’s what you’re waiting for, and look forward to the great stuff that’s destined to happen afterward.
No, I’m not in therapy or even reading self-help books. I’m just finally coming into my own. And no one or nothing can stop me. That’s the best feeling a person can ever have, and it’s great to feel good.