Caterwauling

After chanting some mantras along the lines of, “The Universe really isn’t trying to fuck with me,” I found some level of peace yesterday.

So today’s Astrocenter.com Gemini horoscope is a simple: You may find yourself battling some of those same old doubts and insecurities.

Maybe that’s why I was broken the other day. I’d thought I was out of those woods. Like, oh come ON, haven’t I repeated this process 40 times already? What lesson can I possibly have missed after all this time?

Back in September 2004, I echoed a Zach Braff interview in which he said, “Somebody please send me an epiphany.”

Four years later, I got that moment of clarity.

Two days later, it was squashed like a bad little bug.

And one can say I only had 48 hours with it, anyway, so what’s the big deal? And I will keep telling myself this: What had previously eluded me, and suddenly made so much sense with very little need for convincing, really only lived on in my mind for a few hours.

But that’s the rub, that it made so much sense at the time.

But that’s the thing about epiphanies. They’re life-changing, mind-altering, perspective-shifting thought enemas. I like that, “cognitive enema.”

So maybe the whole epiphany thing was meant to open my eyes in general, as opposed to one isolated incidence of Goddess vs. the Universe.

But I guess the horoscope called it right — I have a default reason for everything. Or, maybe, I had one and it doesn’t really work anymore.

And maybe that’s the epiphany in all of this, that I was in more of a rut than a groove … that the right things will be revealed in time … that if you miss your window, it doesn’t open for you again … to stop wasting all this time under the guise of whatever excuse you deign to avoid taking the bull by its proverbial horns and riding it up the Beltway. I don’t know.

Once I get past the heartburn, and once we have the memorial/life celebration service this weekend for the gal whose passing inspired these moments of mortality ponderance, maybe I’ll get a clearer idea of how I can best honor the girl who loved life by finding ways to fully take charge of my own.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 15th, 2008 at 8:17 AM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.