Caterwauling

Yes, I do read my horoscope every day. Funny you should ask.

Courtesy Astrocenter.com: Something is changing inside you, and in the way you react to situations, and the desire to incorporate the more unpredictable aspects of life into your personality is the basis for these changes.

I have feared making changes in my life for some time now. “Don’t step on a crack …” yadda yadda yadda. I used to dance on ’em; now I tread carefully as I seem to have absorbed everyone else’s problems. If I run too far and too fast, it’ll upset the proverbial apple cart.

Pfft. I say let’s take those apples and make some hard cider!

I want to sing and dance and laugh and create beautiful things and love and be loved. I have the power within me. I’ve had it all along. I’ve just chosen not to use it.

To hell with that. I’ve missed too much already. I was always used to outshining the competition — and if they can do it, why the hell can’t/haven’t I? When did I become the very person I swore I wouldn’t, and how soon can I shed this old skin and fly?

Am still slightly blown away from yesterday’s memorial service for Leanne. I was fine — cheerful, even — but once I heard the first sentence out of J’s mouth (and saw him cry), I was done for.

I’ll never forget what he said. And I’ll never forget how I felt. I’ve had two friends ask me to reconsider my reconsideration of my epiphany. After yesterday, I might.

What I will say was that here was this beautiful person that many of us only knew peripherally. And yet, there was a venue overflowing with people whom she had touched in some way — some lucky enough to have known her well; the rest of us getting a glimpse of the person we missed out on knowing better.

And what I know I loved was that, not only did they play Bon Jovi in her “favorite songs” soundtrack, but that the celebration was equal parts tears and laughter. Maybe just a shade more laughter. As it should be.

The overarching theme in my head for the past two weeks was solidified. I want a love like theirs. Not transient, of course — but the easy soulmate-type compatibility that he described to us. I barely knew them as a couple but what I did witness was downright effortless. It clicked. It worked. It was strong and real and natural.

And as I look around for those natural connections, well, it makes you wonder why you spend so much time on forcing what just doesn’t fit with all the other ones. And not only maybe pretending to be something you’re not, but also pretending they’re something that they, simply, are not, as well.

Do we think we’re noble or do we congratulate ourselves on being overachievers? Who taught us that it’s supposed to be difficult? And is anyone ever going to show/prove to us that it doesn’t have to be?

Oh well. Time to get ready for another harrowing week of work. Besides, at times like these, the story is best told through music. Click to play; lyrics are below the fold.

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