I believe lots of things. Not usually what anyone tells me (a hot stove will burn me? Gotta feel for myself. OK, ouch, heat hurts), and definitely not what the right-wing nutjobs are selling (we’re different than George Bush!! We’re only using his speechwriters; they’re not going to script out the next four years. No siree, not at all!).
But I do believe in me, in fate, in God, in good things someday coming to good people, in love. I am trying to keep up these beliefs through faith, as life hasn’t really shown me evidence of most of these things yet. But I can’t go on if they aren’t out there, so I’m just waiting my turn.
I thought I’d heard everything, but recently I learned that my body has gone into starvation mode.
Humph.
How the hell is that possible?
I seem to have plateaued in my de-pudgifying efforts. Apparently eating a salad a day, along with some rice cakes and maybe some yogurt, isn’t enough nourishment. Who knew?
It’s very strange, because a few weeks ago, I was the one championing the fact that you’ve got to eat to lose weight. Because I was still eating pretty well — just healthier. And I don’t know if I’ve gotten too busy, too apathetic, too broke or just too “I know better than you,” but the less I eat, the less progress I make.
Damn it.
It of course occurs to me that my problem never really was overeating. Poor food choices, sure, but not necessarily always a quantity issue. Cheap food isn’t exactly the healthiest.
And now that I won’t put anything in my mouth that doesn’t have some redeeming nutritional value, well, that means I may not eat at all.
It’s weird to be sitting here at 10 p.m., just home from work, with no appetite whatsoever and mostly feasting on all the thoughts flying around like a weird combination of butterflies and hornets inside my head.
I mean, I’m annoyed because I haven’t felt well enough to do my work at my usual speed. I’m agitated because I got a resolution (more or less) and it just ain’t what I wanted it to be because, hey, maybe he’s just not that into me. I’m thrilled that I stood up to someone for something I desperately need that I may never get. I’m curious about the boy from long ago and far away who seems to want to be in the here and now. And I’ll never stop wondering about something else I just cannot say to anybody.
But …
I’m so much better off than I was. Twenty-five pounds ago, I wasn’t swimming in my clothes and buying new ones. Well, I’m definitely getting new bras, since I seemed to drop a size there. (Damn!) I’m the proud owner of a new workout wardrobe (although my dumb ass still hasn’t bought proper workout shoes).
Twenty-five pounds ago, I wasn’t taking photos of myself just to monitor my progress. I mean, if I’m losing boobage (yaar), then I am clearly losing weight faster on top. Fine. So each week, I’ve snapped a photo of my face. Nothing exquisite — just for comparison’s sake.
And you know what? The girl who hasn’t posed for a photo in years suddenly sees a new light in her eyes. She’s actually picking a photo or two to put on her profile. She’s getting e-mails and private messages from boys she knew from college and beyond who simply take a moment to tell her she looks hot.
Hot. Me!
*blush*
And let’s face it, 25 pounds ago, I would never have called that boy back. I think I stopped taking myself seriously for a long time. And then I had my stupid epiphany in which I realized the heart, she’s still beating. And maybe beating a little faster when it comes to someone in particular. But then the beating stopped, cold in its tracks.
But there’s a new boy, and he jumpstarted it. Now, I’m not going to claim that it is anything or that it will be — it’s still early, and we all know what happens when I get my hopes up. (There goes that “seeing by faith” thing again.) But this is a story that I thought was over, and maybe the book was never totally closed.
In any case, people are seeing me again. And maybe they always were. Maybe I was the one who assumed no one was looking.
If there’s a good kind of wrong to be, then this is it. 🙂
Anyway, so that’s my journey that I’ve been on, and the one I will continue along. With some modifications, of course. The de-pudgification process feels like the only thing I have any control over, so of course I’m frustrated to be stuck in neutral right now. But at least it’s not in reverse, and I can get it moving back in my favor again.
After all, I’ve got a lot of adventures ahead of me. And the ones I can have RIGHT NOW are motivation enough. …