“I won’t be far from where you are
If ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone
That I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you
This is what I have to do.”— Missy Higgins, “Where I Stood“
OK, first of all, if you’re going to buy that song, get the live version that I linked to. Because it Rocks. Socks.
And second of all, because good news travels fast and I’d like to actually be the one to deliver it, I’ve accepted a job offer a thousand miles away.
I hadn’t thought much about sharing it here. I mean, of course I let my friends at work know — I shouldn’t even call them “friends” because they’re SO much more. This has been my family.
And unlike my blood relatives, I am having a very hard time reconciling with the fact that I’m saying goodbye.
Well, as one of my boys said, it’s not a goodbye as much as a “ciao for now.” And I haven’t told all my boys. Just the ones I’ve been through war with the longest. The newer soldiers will know in time. But what’s breaking my heart is leaving the people with whom I spent my days, nights, months and years.
And, in that, tells me that it was time to go. I wanted to go while I could walk; I didn’t want to run.
And I’m definitely walking … toward something.
I haven’t had much chance to get really excited — I gave my notice and I have projects to wrap up and, oh yeah, an apartment to toss into boxes at a rapid pace.
And I have friends to see before I leave.
I had kind of left the “goodbye to friends” as a footnote in my mind. It’s denial, pure and simple, that I can’t just wander over to Arlington on the weekends after my move date.
But that’s the thing, I haven’t done a whole lot of that in the past few years. I “see” my local friends online more than I do in person. So, what does comfort me in large part is that we’re so connected on the Web that I will never lose touch with the ones I love the most.
And what burns me is that I never had the time to give them while I was still here. But I can’t change the past. I type this note as a general “I suck” to all those who came into my life whom I never cherished the way they deserved to be. I think you all understand that what little free time I had, I used to recharge and self-preserve. And I thank you for loving me anyway.
I wasn’t sure where this “coming out” blog entry was going to go. I had spent the day with Tom, Tiff, Ian and Ian’s mom. (Seriously, I would consider marrying Ian because I’d have the best mother-in-law ever! that and he’s a catch, too, but still! All right, back to the subject at hand. …)
And Ian had commented like, OK, what’s up with all these Tweets from “undisclosed locations” and all these random beach photos with no real locations/stories attached to them?
So I thought, yeah, I should probably out myself here and tell you that there’s a reason why Will Smith’s “Miami” has been an earworm for the past week since I accepted my new offer. 😉
(Actually, I just came across a Counting Crows song of the same title. Buying it now, in preparation of becoming a Southern girl.)
There’s a lot to say, but I am exhausted from bursting into tears every hour, on the hour, as my work family members visit me to first yell at me or to ask me to say it isn’t true, and then as we hug and cry and reminisce and promise to go out to lunch or dinner before I blow out of town.
I was really worried that the news wouldn’t be taken favorably, since I’m going to work for a company we’ve done business with for years. But that’s the thing in mine or any field — there’s a finite talent pool, in a finite specialty area. Lots of lily pads in the same pond.
My fondest hope, and I do see it coming to pass, is that we’re all on the same traveling-circus circuit — ergo, “ciao for now.” We’ll cross paths again. I have a real opportunity to grow and change and learn a boatload of new things and to … gasp … have a life! On the beach!
I admit, I’m in love with the possibilities. I wasn’t looking to leave, but I was courted by three different companies. I told them all I was fine where I was. But I did my due diligence and at least listened. And I realized how complacent I’d become.
Well, complacent isn’t the right word. I’m antsy. I have been for a while. I finally got into a routine after a long time of whizzing around like a boomerang, and I learned that I hate routines. It’s like the boomerang bonked me on the head and I felt disoriented while in maintenance mode, waiting for the next interesting project to come along.
I also felt a lot of guilt and loyalty because my company gave me every opportunity under the sun to shine. I’ve become a whole different person under their care. I have a whole new, specialized (marketable) skill set that few in my field possess, thanks to them.
And what I came to realize as I had my shiny new offer in-hand, was that I took all those opportunities and ran with them. I gave my heart and soul and life to be the best I could be. And even though what I still do is pretty damn special, there’s a whole lot out there that I haven’t tried yet.
I just hope that I thrive the way everyone thinks I will. I admit, a bitch is exhausted from this emotional roller-coaster, not to mention all the out-of-state travel for these interviews. 😉
But just think, I get to press the “reset” button on my life. OK, I know my demographic — I get to hit Apple-Z. 🙂 Who gets to do that? Do you know how many people have told me how lucky I am?
My boys are all telling me they love me and they know I’m going to do great and that I should go with their blessing and make them proud.
And everyone is saying that, really. I knew they’d all be fine without me, whether they want to believe it or not. 😉 But I couldn’t let go until I knew they’d be OK.
In fact, I may just have a contender to replace me. The circle of life, I suppose. And I loved it when one of my girls said that no one will ever be truly able to fill my shoes.
A selfish part of me hopes that’s true, although I really do hope they can come close. What we all built together is just too special for it to not head in the direction it needs to go, with someone who’s got the energy to take it there.
As for me, like I told my boss, this could either be the best decision I’ve ever made, or the worst. But I am a journalist at heart, and I need to get the story. It’s my story to tell, and my story to go after. And not having the story to tell, no matter how it turns out, would be the real tragedy in all of this.
I’m going to get my scoop now. 🙂
“‘Cause I don’t know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand
Another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood.”