Caterwauling

Lovely yet ominous. Like the photographer

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

While trying not to be entertained by the fact that I accidentally (I promise!) locked out the over-extended houseguest last night, I was out running my 10,000 errands today (I have another billion more to do) and, oh gee.

Guess what? I locked myself out of my car.

With the ignition running. *facepalm*

Luckily I had just parked at the beach. It’s usually treacherous to get out of the car because of the traffic, so it’s always a quick exit. Usually I leave the sunroof open and I can reach for the keys when I forget them. (Yes, this isn’t the first time I’ve locked myself out.)

But with the pending storm, I figured I’d just take a quick walk to the water. Hahahaaa. Not so much. 🙂

Luckily, AAA was quicker than normal, although I had to stay on the scorching-hot sidewalk while I waited. But alas, one wonders whether it’s God’s retribution for last night. Or, as Scot said, just a run of bad “car-ma.”

*ba DUM bum*

Beach, post-evacuation

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

When I see my friends going from one hazardous relationship to another, or making the same mistakes in innovative and awe-inspiring ways, I always write off the common denominator as, well, them.

Then as I start wrapping caution tape around my world for the umpteenth time like I’m dancing around a goddamned maypole, I have that moment in which I realize, hunh, what is the common denominator here?

I often find that I feel so out-of-control in so many domains of my life that when I do have a choice — say, whether to guzzle a gallon of red wine or smoke a cigarette — I often choose poorly. Why? Because it’s my choice. Nobody can take that away from me.

Sure, I could choose right (say, instead of abandoning my diet for a month now). But in my world, exhibiting control doesn’t always mean doing the BEST thing.

I’m starting to see why instant gratification rules those tiny pockets of my life. It’s because I’m sick to goddamned death of waiting for everything else to pay off or at least mercifully end one way or another.

I often wonder whether I left my heart in D.C. But I think I did my best to take my heart with me when I left. Even if I did have a great dream last night in which all my friends from Arlington and I were at a big dinner, celebrating my return.

I don’t see going back — at least, not for any extended stay — as being in the cards. And a part of me is almost afraid to go back, in wonders whether some of the ones I want to see most wouldn’t make an appearance.

Dear Lord, one day, please let me be as happy as everyone else seems to think I am and/or that they seem to think I deserve. Because I still feel like I’m doing this life thing all wrong. Again.

“Tides and waves have kept me
Kept me going
I’m longing for the calm
I’m heading for the pastures
I can see on your dry land
Let the sea that once did take me
Bring me back safe to your door
For I long to touch the dry land of your shore.”

— Joan Armatrading, “Dry Land”

Adding to the epic failure that is my life, I locked the over-extended houseguest out of the house last night. And not even on purpose!

She’s been after me for a new phone. Yes, that person whose phone service is paid by yours truly. I had bought her a phone awhile back that broke, so I gave her the phone I had before I got my iPhone. And of course that isn’t working right either now. So she’s been asking me to buy her a phone. Which of course I had responded to with some vitriol about how other people get jobs and buy their own.

So last night, I dragged myself in after a whole month of working with exactly one day off. And I locked the door. I normally don’t lock the “chain” lock (less a chain than a hunk of steel) but because it was late, I did. Because it has always driven me nuts having people in my house because I can’t ever feel secure without all the locks being fastened.

I got out of bed around 9 a.m. today — very late for me, but again, SECOND DAY OFF IN A MONTH. I was outside on the balcony with my coffee and I saw her out there, asking me from the first floor to unlock the door. Uh, whoops. There are several messages from one of her friends. Which, I keep my phone on silent at work all the time.

I just handed her $500 because she needed money from me anyway to pay some bills this month. (It’s not guilt over this; I was planning to do it anyway.) But yeah, something tells me that I have to go get her a new phone today, not like I would have picked up had SHE been the one calling!