Caterwauling

Rainbow

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Four weeks of nonstop activity have ground to a sudden halt for one glorious day. Things pick back up full-force tomorrow and go on indefinitely.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I wanted.

I was at my wits’ end yesterday. I had come up with a catchy little ditty I liked to call “I wish I never left D.C.,” sung to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”

That was Teh Cranky showing itself, of course. I don’t really wish I hadn’t left D.C. Well, not all the time, anyway. I accept full realization that I can’t really be happy anywhere — at least, not right now.

So on my day off, I’m feeling overwhelmed with the ever-growing list of laundry and errands and finding car insurance since I got dropped and my guilt over just wanting to sit around and watch VH1 or maybe clear some shit off my DVR.

But as soon as I catch up, I have to work ahead. I’m going out Thursday night (win!) and leaving on an airplane at 6 a.m. Friday morning (West Coast-bound for two days).

In a normal world, I love this shit. But as I get older, my resources get depleted faster and are much harder to replenish. I’m dubbing 35 “Year of the Leg Cramp,” as I can live with getting drunker, sooner and not having the energy I once did. But this waking up in the middle of the night in pain all the time? Shit.

What would make today at least feel like a vacation day would be to get rid of the Over-Extended Houseguest so I can enjoy my overpriced abode. But noooo, no apartment to herself (for the past two years and counting) for Goddess.

I would love nothing more than to hit the beach today, but I just don’t have the time. And of course the OEH asked if I would buy her a new cell phone AND take her to the beach. I snapped and said to take her own damn self to the beach (we’ve lived here three months now and she still hasn’t wandered down the fucking BLOCK to the ocean). I mean, really, why not get out of my hair for a day? How much more apparent do I have to make it that a source of my frustration is your very presence?

I hate to ask God for strength and help when our world is in turmoil and streets are burning and children are going hungry and, well, life has been a little bit worse. But the older I get, I find that I ask for less and less. I just want peace, you know?

I want to feel alive. I almost wish I never HAD felt alive or relaxed because it seems like such an aberration — however short a period it lasted — because it makes me CRAVE it more. And I take it on my own shoulders that I don’t know how to get it back. I also take it upon my own shoulders that I’m the only one who CAN.

It’ll all be OK. I’m sure of it. I’ve heard a number of times that faith is seeing with your heart before it becomes apparent to your eyes. I guess I’ve always figured that, if you don’t ask for much, then you’ll get it because you’re not greedy, right? Maybe I need to shoot a little higher and get a little more than I was originally expecting — maybe that’s how it works.

And if anyone else knows the secret to “doing life,” and not the kind that involves prison, feel free to elaborate in the comments.

DSCN3584

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I know it’s impossible to tell from this blog, but emotions bore me. Not mine, of course. 😉 Just everyone else’s.

Most of my friends can tell you stories of how I head for the hills when things get too intense. I don’t know what it is about me — whether it’s that I’m a Gemini, or also that being a heartless bitch goes with having my real name, as I know another person with my name who also hates drama and being touched by strange people (unless I WANT them to. heh) and all that jazz — but maybe I fear emotion because I just don’t know how to deal with it other than to avoid it altogether or else get consumed by it.

Goddess haz a sad these days. I was fine with the recent state of affairs (think, “the more things change, the more they stay the same”). But then yesterday, I saw my friends Tweeting that they’d arrived at their vacation destination. (A place that I have been DYING to go to, and I had fully planned on being on this trip.) I also saw it was other friends’ wedding anniversary — and, having known them as a couple since, oh, their first date, it’s as much an occasion for me because my friends are my family.

So, yeah, I was pretty freaking bummed out yesterday.

I mean, I can live with my self-exile to Siberia. But I guess the feeling — true or not — that not much other than the weather had changed REALLY snuck up on me.

And even as I enjoyed a rare night off and spent it with a glorious gaggle of new friends, well, what I wouldn’t have traded to be with my old ones right then. But don’t get me wrong — I have fallen into a REALLY terrific group down here. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that there are GREAT people in Florida, and they’re all transplanted from Manhattan. 😉 I guess I was just tired and incredibly bitchy and doing everything in my power not to break down into exhausted tears.

Which I did on the drive home, of course. As I parted ways on the highway with a friend who’s going back home — a friend who was part of my old world AND my new one — I just gave in to the stress and let the tears flow.

I’ll be back to my hardass bitchy self soon enough. But right now, I just want to fade away for a bit and not have a spotlight shone on my own inability to deal with shit right now.

And here’s to hoping that Sabre and I can make our extended weekend in Seattle actually happen as planned. (Lachlan and Bayou, care for a houseguest?) 😉

In the meantime, you know where this is going …

“Do you dream
That the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care
About all the little things
Or anything at all?

I wanna feel
All the chemicals inside
I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn
Just to know that I’m alive
To know I’m alive

Don’t tell me if I’m dying, cause I don’t wanna know
If I can’t see the sun, maybe I should go
Don’t wake me cause I’m dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.”

— Thriving Ivory, “Angels on the Moon”

‘Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose’

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Starting to get into the groove a bit more than I have been. I swear, it’s because a friend is in town and we actually got to see each other. AND I got to talk to an old friend a couple of days ago and another one tonight.

The visits and calls are never long enough, but they’re always more than worthwhile. My soul is feeling more sated. I’ve sort of been running on empty, to which I am no stranger, of course. But just hearing certain people’s laughter makes my emotional bank account overfloweth.

And I can’t believe I’m typing this, but I can’t wait to find time to exercise again. I’ve put on six pounds in the last 10 days. Yeesh. First free minute I get, I’m walking on the beach until I collapse. Right now, however, I’m so out of shape that I’d probably collapse while walking to my car.

I have plans to see my friend again tomorrow night. Yay! It’s the little things, I tell you. I’m hoping she decides to move here so that I’ll have a friend here permanently. (Maybe my little guilt trip will work! *haha*)

Dancing

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Since I haven’t been to church in awhile, I figured it’s as good a time as any to consult my Higher Power and ask for help in “rising above.”

I ask others to do it; now it’s time for a prayer for myself.

Pray along if you’re so inclined. 😉

“This town thinks I’m crazy
They just think I’m strange
Sometimes they want to own me
Sometimes they wish I’d change
But I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It’s lonely but it’s sweet.”

— Melissa Etheridge, “Talking to My Angel”

I was trying to type in my e-mail address into our Webmail server and think it’s pretty fucking appropriate, given my mental state, that I accidentally typed dot-coma. I just can’t make this shit up.

Another late night. Am making such fucking dumb editing mistakes, I’m so tired. Not that it’s *all* my fault. A little more time would equal even-better quality work. Just trying to remind myself that I make the best of what I’ve got. But when the two things a girl is good at are editing and knowing the stock market, and I’m missing details on them both, well, I’d better hope it’s not too late to find a new career. …

Gemini from Astrocenter:

All aspects of love and romance will go especially well today, Goddess, and you might take this opportunity to make a bold move toward the object of your affection. Go with an unconventional approach and move strongly without fear. All relations with other women will go exceptionally well today. Call your mother. Nurture your romantic side and communicate your feelings to others. Love will act suddenly and unexpectedly. Go with the flow.

While I am spending my days locked in rooms with various men (all married, and thank God!), I suppose this horoscope has nothing to do with me. And I ain’t calling my mother. Who is very annoyed that I don’t have any free time to take her to an appointment an hour north of here. Because the minefield that is my life, is all my fault. Of course!

I did make a joke with the boys on Monday night. I said if we got all our shit done on Tuesday within a certain time frame, I’d happily provide blow jobs for everyone! Sadly (for them), we’re behind schedule. Happily for me, of course, if only on THAT level. 😉

If I could only describe myself in one word, I think “exhausted” is the winner-take-all. Despite working more than 50 hours this week by Tuesday night, I’m still behind the curve. I had Tweeted that I’m dropping balls like a pre-teen boy. I don’t feel satisfied after a long, hard day. I instead wonder what the repercussions will be that I forgot to do this thing or that thing that I had full intentions on crossing off my to-do list two weeks ago.

Of course, as I found last night, a dozen shots of sake can wipe away any sliver of emotion like that. 😉 But as I also found, exhaustion + “truth serum” + melancholy = my current state of affairs (er, and the lack thereof).

“How would you feel if I said I hate you
What would you dream if you’d get some sleep
Who would you blame if the world would listen
What would you change if a change was all you need
A change was all you need.”

— Mono, “Get Some Sleep”