Caterwauling

One week gone

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Got the call to come pick up Maddie’s ashes today.

Dear God.

She’s really gone.

I sat outside the pet hospital for I don’t know how long, just clutching the little vase wrapped up all pretty in a tiny gift bag with tissue, just sobbing.

They gave me a beautiful white urn, tightly sealed, with “Maddie” engraved in black. And put her in a little gift bag with a simple ribbon with her name on it.

Oh, the humanity. This was SO not the plan. I want an undo button on this.

When we cremated my great-grandmother, they gave us a lousy cardboard box. Yes, my cat got better than a human.

I needed for it to be special. I had prepared myself for a tiny box. Instead, I got a tiny urn. It’s not pretty enough for my gorgeous baby, of course. But something very nice till I find the right resting place for her.

My big, bouncing ball of fur now fits in the palm of my hand.

She’s next to her favorite Garfield toy on my bookcase right now. Garfield is bigger than her now.

But nothing’s bigger than the hole in my heart.

And that heart just broke all over again.

It’s yet another “woke up screaming, realized it wasn’t a dream, and kept on screaming” kind of day.

God didn’t put me on this earth to be miserable. And yet, everyone who meant anything to me is either with Him or too far away for me to hug.

But there are plenty of assholes still mouth-breathing their way through this earth. I saw this firsthand yesterday when a particularly loathsome twat from high school showed up in my list of friend suggestions on Facebook.

Now, I’m grateful for Facebook for putting me in touch with all the “good” people — the ones I liked and respected and even found that I missed. I’m glad to see how they turned out, and I wish them all the happiness in the world.

Then I see a rotting twat like (name removed) showing up with a husband and kids and, basically, she didn’t die in a crack den like she SO rightfully deserved, and I ask the universe, “Where is the justice?”

I mean, how can this miserable asshole, who is responsible for years of torture on my part, be allowed to have a good life? Meanwhile I work my ass off, everyone I love is gone and I’m struggling just to pay the bills right now. Fuck that. Fuck HER.

I know I can’t judge whether she’s happy. But the fact that some pimp didn’t smack her into 2012 irks me. That she looks normal and happy and that life has treated her well. Nuh uh. Forget that shit. She doesn’t deserve it.

I know we all do things in life we regret, and maybe she regrets the things she did to me. I doubt she has enough brain cells in her widdle noggin to achieve that sort of realization, though. I vaguely remember the boys thinking she was pretty. I remember her grating voice, her very loud mouth, and the ugly, ugly facial expressions on her puss as she was being such a royal cunt that I couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to see/hear her when they could put their face into a meat grinder for a more pleasant experience.

It’s the people like her who made me so driven to get the fuck out of where I grew up. I might be miserable most of the time now, but so many people tell me I’m living the life they wanted, so maybe all is not lost after all.

But what I wouldn’t trade for a husband, maybe a kid, a little freelance job to keep me busy during Junior’s naptimes, and the weight of the world to come off of me already.

I’m sure Rotten Twat’s dumb ass can’t form a thought, let alone have the stamina to live my life. I don’t want to be her .. ugly from the inside-out. And even though an apology would mean nothing to me from the likes of her, I’m just looking toward the universe to wonder why the hurt and disappointment avalanche is always barreling toward me while others who DO NOT DESERVE SHIT seem to be ambling along OK.

Anyway.

She had a partner in crime of course. By the fact that THAT twat nozzle hasn’t surfaced anywhere keeps my dream alive that she became the crack ho she was destined to be.

And don’t get me started on the cunt whose future hopefully involved a mental institution.

God, it’s funny how far you can go in life, and how one ugly face can unleash a repressed flood of memories. I never cared what this miserable wretch thought or said about me, or even why she did the things she did to me. I wasn’t looking to live down to her standards.

But when all was said and done, I guess I thought my suffering would end at some point, and the happiness would eventually start. I mean, really, haven’t I been through enough?

Six days without my Maddie and an ocean of tears later, I just wanted to send a little prayer out there for another “gone too soon” friend, as Leanne left us a year ago.

I made this whole Florida move in her honor. No, I’m not blaming her for it. 😉 But I was looking to celebrate life the way she did every day.

We weren’t close (yet) but we had literally just become instant friends. But instead of seeing her again at one of Tom and Tiff’s kickass barbecues, we convened at Iota to have a memorial service. *sigh*

I remember that her death had an instant impact on me; that I found this sudden compulsion to tell (name removed) that I was blindly, stupidly, head-over-heels hot for him. And now a year later, the sentiment seems so strange and far away. I miss him. A LOT. But maybe my heart has been so trampled in the last 365 days, it forgot how to love another human.

What most don’t know is that the dent on my passenger’s side of the car is what reminds me every day of Leanne. In the parking garage in Clarendon, as I tried to get my car into a spot so I could go to her memorial, I guess my mind wandered and I sideswiped a pole.

I never got it fixed.

I had another dent on the driver’s side (same thing: D.C. too-narrow parking garage hell), so I had a reason to get both fixed. But yet, every time I look at my passenger-side door, I smile and remember the vivacious girl who loved human and animals and even adopted the latter despite being allergic. 🙂

And today, I hope she and Maddie cross paths so she can give Maddie all the hugs I wish I could.

Missing both of you girls. …

Hugs and Kisses

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yes, it’s the “all Maddie, all the time” channel here at Caterwauling. Suck it if you don’t like it. 🙂

I’m beat. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, with enough baggage under my eyes to get me overseas for a month, and wondered whether I’d ever be whole again when I wasn’t even half a person to start with when I lost my little girl.

I realize I haven’t had a hug in weeks. I hugged the shit out of Maddie. But even in the waiting room at the vet, before she even passed, my mom tried to hug me. I shoved her away. I don’t do affection. My way of saying “I love you” is the fact that I haven’t smothered you with a pillow. That goes for about 98% of the population.

While I can go on about how I keep thinking I hear Maddie, and all the cute things she did that I tried not to take for granted, what continues to amaze me are all the e-mails and notes I’m getting via social media not just from my friends, but from perfect strangers who read Maddie’s blog once upon a time and checked back in on her.

I’ve gotten e-mails over the years, asking if she were OK, since stopped blogging as her. I never really thanked everyone for their concern, but I loved them for it.

So, to get so many encouraging notes with prayers and memories of laughing with my precocious puss has been as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking.

I’d said I’m done with pets. And yet people ask me when I’m going to get another one. I’ve already put out the “I’ll punch the next person who asks” press release on that topic. But I got a nice note from a stranger who asked me to think about someday going to a shelter and saving a critter from euthanasia.

To imply that I have a good, loving home and that some pet won’t live another day because my heart is too broken, well, I got the hint. I guess I was honored that people would read her crazy stories and think I was a fit pet parent. 😉

So, I’ll table the issue for now. I tried to swim the other night and my heart was too heavy to let my pudgy pork roast ass float. But I did see a Maddie-shaped cloud, complete with fluffy tail and bunny-rabbit ears, and I figured that was the universe’s way of telling me she’s reached the Rainbow Bridge.

I loved this photo and wanted to share it tonight. I had just gotten my little Washington Nationals bear a couple of weeks ago. I planned to take it to the office to place him with my thinkorswim gorilla and my Steelers teddy bear.

I was afraid to let Maddie near it, with the fleas and all, but since I confiscated all her other toys, I thought I’d let her sniff him. She immediately wrapped her arm around him and gave him kisses.

And while I’ve got a million briliiant — better — photos of Maddie, this is the way I remember her most clearly. She always sat on the back of the couch with her butt behind my head and a paw on my shoulder. When she wanted love, she’d butt her head against mine and purr louder than my rattling deathtrap of a car.

So to see her loving on my bear, I was glad to know that he was something she loved, since I have nothing left of her.

Mom and I had done such a scrub-down on the house that nary a cat whisker or hair from her poor little body was in sight. And all I want is some piece of her, other than the ashes arriving in two weeks, to hold in my hands.

I know she’ll be in my heart, but the only thing I saved was her collar, which I’d been tempted to toss because it was too big anyway, but it’s all I’ve got now.

A friend of ours who’s a funeral director, who took care of both of my grandparents’ funerals, pointed me toward a wonderful pet memorial site and I intend to order these adorable angel kitty charms for Mom and me.

I just can’t believe that I’m shopping for urns when I was always out picking up new toys every week. (I would be the one who went into hysterics in the cat food aisle in Publix yesterday. Glad that was captured on the security camera. *waves*)

Oh, hell, I’ve gone so long without makeup, I can’t even tell you where I left my cosmetic bag last. Does it really matter? I mean, Mom was nuts because I forgot to lock up the house the other night. I’m like, “The most-precious possession I have is gone. Does it really matter?”

Kadie’s been nothing short of a dream. I think she knows her sister is gone. Before we left for the emergency vet on Saturday, Mom put a towel down on the floor and placed Maddie there for a moment. Kadie ran up to Maddie and licked her ears.

Since Maddie stopped cleaning herself, Kadie always seemed to take over the ears. And Kadie gave each ear one last lick, and it’s like she wished her well.

But even now, when the humans forget themselves and tell Kadie, as they always had, “Go get Maddie!” at mealtime, she runs around in circles like, “Oh, cool! She’s here!” And then she gets disoriented and gives us the stinkeye.

Kadie has been sleeping in Maddie’s spot on my bed. She NEVER slept on my bed. EVER. She also listens to me way more with far less (if any) complaint.

I wonder if she were always wanting my full attention. She never had it. Not even the bulk of it. So maybe she was rambunctious for that reason. Now that she “has” me, I don’t want to say she’s happy because ain’t nobody happy here, but she’s reaping the benefits of being an only child.

*sigh*

I got nothin’ right now. Just overworked, overwhelmed and over this cosmic joke. I miss my lil’ Muffin, but I’m glad to have heard from everyone who hugged their kitties extra-tightly at my encouraging.

Now if only I could find someone to hug *me* and not just tell me I’ll be OK, but also make me actually believe it. Only Maddie was ever able to heal me. That was perfect love, yo. I’m honored to have been the recipient of it for as long as she had it to give. …

Mirror Mirror

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“Today my heart is big and sore
It’s tryin’ to push right through my skin
I won’t see you anymore
I guess that’s finally sinkin’ in.”

— Patty Griffin, “Goodbye”

I put one last post on Maddie’s blog. Thank you, Angie, for reminding me that what started out as silly and funny is truly a scrapbook of a wonderful little life with my beautiful little girl.

And thank you, everyone, for loving her, too.

Licky licky

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“I’m selfish and I’m sad
I’ve lost the best baby that I ever had.”

— Joni Mitchell, “River”

It’s been 12 hours since my baby died in my arms. I’ve never known grief like this.

Now that Maddie’s gone after 13 years as my best friend in the world, traveling companion and source of unconditional love, I feel like my heart went away.

Every time I’ve lost someone, there’s been other repercussions to worry about — mostly financial.

I think she’s the first I’ve ever really grieved. Not just first pet, although she is that, too. But I’ve lost so many people I’ve loved, and she’s the only one I didn’t necessarily *need* in my life, but 100% wanted.

Everyone may remember my stories of her crapping all over the planet. But other than that, I have nothing but praise for this beautiful Calico.

I could wax poetic about her a million times over. And probably will. But one story I want to tell is how I was leaving for work the other day, and I was in the doorway talking to my mom. Maddie left her spot on my bed in the next room, came up to me to rub against my legs and be petted, and went back to her perch.

She always waited for me to come home from jobs that suck all my daylight hours and then some out of me. Oftentimes, after a miserable day, I’d close my bedroom door to get a good, cat-free sleep. (It’s mostly her sister Kadie who gave me rough nights.)

Maddie always seemed to sense this, and most of the time, she’d sneak into my room between the time she greeted me and the time I closed the door. She was frail toward the end (which I either didn’t notice or refused to acknowledge), but she could run. Because she wasn’t going to miss a night of sleeping curled up at my side if she could help it,

Kadie tried to sleep in my bed last night. (I “slept” on Maddie’s slide.) My bed was always Maddie’s turf. Maddie would let Kadie eat first … let her have first crack at every new toy, litterbox, whatever. But sleeping at my side was the only thing she fought for.

Now, getting a good sleep is something I may never have again … at least, not for a long while. The house feels empty and everything else just feels so wrong.

I just never woke up knowing that yesterday would be her last day on earth … and that it would be the absolute worst day of my life, although today isn’t feeling any better, either.

Someone asked me recently whether I’d ever felt true love. I said no. I realize now that I lied. Maddie was the love of my life.

So, if you’re so inclined, please say a prayer for her and have a drink in her honor. And if you are enjoying a sunny day or even the rain (she loved both), wave to her up in that giant litterbox in the sky and tell God how lucky he is to have her back.

I never adequately thanked the person who gave her to me. She was just supposed to stay with me temporarily. But then I fell in love with her and there was no turning back. So, thank you for making sure my feline soulmate and I got a decade-plus together.

As for me, I learned long ago that we’re both in our sixth lives, if you believe in reincarnation. So I told her to wait for me because we have a million more adventures in store, next time around.

I just don’t know what to do without her in the meantime. She’s more like me than any human child could be. I fear, even if I do have the “real” kind, she’ll always be my favorite. God knows I’m done with the feline kind — I’ve already had the perfect pet.

Adding to the hurt is that I never got to take her to our new apartment. She would have loved it. If we weren’t in the late stages of Flea-a-palooza, I would have taken her for a visit. The bonus for me is that the place has linoleum floors — ideal for cats who miss the box by a room or two.

My plan was to give Kadie to Mom, and Maddie and I would finally, finally have our lives back. Just like old times, just the two of us. The way we loved it best.

While it’s been torturous for me to have Mom living here the past two years, she did nothing (literally) but love my cats. Always singing, dancing, talking, playing with them. Drove me nuts. I hated it.

But now that I realize just how alone I left Maddie to go sell my soul to pay the bills, I’m glad Mom was there to love her while I wasn’t around.

Thank you for loving me, Maddie. Gram and Grampy will take good care of you till I get there. …

IMG_2170

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

It’s been hell at Casa Caterwauling the past week or so. A mad flea infestation has made the cats miserable and their owner sad and exhausted.

I brought in the exterminators yesterday, which meant taking the cats for their billionth car ride this week. I was barely at work this week, which means I will be working fiendishly this weekend just to catch up. I’m behind no matter what I do and I admit the pile o’ tasks that are ahead (and the deadlines that I know I can’t meet) are daunting.

Can’t win for losing here these days.

Maddie hasn’t eaten in a week. Kadie went on a bit of a hunger strike, too, but she eats enough now to make me happy. Her appetite will return in time.

I trace it back to last Saturday when I flea-bathed them, flea-bombed the house and then took them to PetSmart for Advantage. It was once I rubbed that crap on them that their appetites disappeared.

Now that she’s been shaved and we see how tiny she is, the vet is of course looking at me like I’m a moron that I let her get so skinny and frail. Well, shit. She was always in good spirits, always had an appetite. Now she’s frail and shaky and God, she stares at herself in the bathroom mirror and your heart just breaks. And just two weeks ago, she was playful and social and hungry.

So, if you’re so inclined, say a little prayer for Maddie while we wait for her test results to come back on Monday. I just want her to eat something. Once she gets some food in her belly (other than the NutraCal and Pedialyte that I keep forcing on her), I’ll be more inclined to believe she’ll be OK.

As I’m now paying three rents, I’m wondering WTF I’m doing. I mean, really. Comma after comma after comma. My savings is shot and it’s only the first month!

I keep telling myself it’ll get better. But then that nasty little voice in the back of my head that pops up at times like these likes to inquire why I think I’m entitled to good things and a good life and makes me second-guess myself.

Of course, I tell that voice to go back to the hell from which it came.

But it does make you wonder why, just when you’ve gotten your master plan for happiness in motion, the world manages to throw every possible obstacle in your path.

I was just musing how I never wanted kids or a family or anything like that, and I’ve unwittingly found myself as the sole supporter of a family of four.

If I can just get through this hell period, I’ll be fine. I just don’t have the mental reserves to spare so I hope they regenerate soon.

I just hope that whatever is wrong with Maddie can be fixed, and hopefully inexpensively. I would never have agreed to rent-a-palooza had I known she was so sick. I can take a lot of crap in my life, and HAVE, but I love this cat more than myself and if we can’t make her better, chances are we can’t fully make ME better, either.