Caterwauling

Working at home this morning

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

One of my Facebook friends shared a thought along the lines of the fact that God doesn’t put you in any situation that He also doesn’t give you the grace to get through.

So not only did I just drive home from getting groceries for the Exiled Houseguest and myself, but the town was flooded AND I came home to the roof leaking in my apartment again.

And don’t get me started how the dimwits put two high-wattage bulbs in my brand-new fridge, causing all my food to spoil. But when I dumped out my curdled milk this morning, guess what? The sink backed up and the garbage disposal died!

*sigh* Oh, the glamorous life I lead — don’t you wish you were me?

I had gotten to thinking today about how I am too trusting, whether I believe the hype or simply just get caught up in some excitement and forget to put on my “jaded” sunglasses.

I guess I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m so damn lonely, I look at everyone as a potential friend or ally. As my adventures in high school should have taught me, that’s just not the case. Everybody’s out for something, and that something is probably blood.

I would hate to lose my trusting nature, though. I really do want to believe everyone is good. But everywhere I turn these days, I seem to be finding only the contrary to be true.

It occurs to me that I get so damn frustrated with my mom because she’s the one person I can count on to have my back. And she always has, and always will. But I get so upset that I can’t always communicate with her because she’s being a Negative Nelly or otherwise causing stress for me. And I don’t know quite else where to turn for a confidential venting.

That’s the thing. I am so bottled up anymore that the weirdest things come out of my mouth at the weirdest times. And I want to take them back five seconds after they’re out, because I don’t mean a word I say sometimes. I just need a “safe place” to just carry on and then move on with my life.

That place used to be Twitter. Sometimes Facebook. But nothing ever beats a good, old-fashioned bitch session with a friend. And when I don’t get those, I end up carrying around a case full of crabbiness that shouldn’t be given the time of day, and yet it consumes me when I don’t have an outlet. Hence, a whole lot of snark and maybe even some misdirected aggression.

I was talking to someone lately and noted how I tend to diagnose people when I don’t know what to make of them. That tends to help me to approach a situation from another angle.

My own diagnosis is that I am as passive-aggressive as it gets. When given the opportunity to say my peace (or is it piece? My grammatical skills are in the toilet today), I clam up and get hopping mad at myself for missing a chance to really have an honest discussion.

I feel like I should be on-guard at all times, and I hate that. I don’t do the “guilty till proven innocent” thing. I trust and I reward trustworthiness. I feel like I’ve really been missing out on the relationship front — of having one reliable partner who will keep your secrets and screw your head back on straight before you face the world.

That’s probably why I’ve never shut the blog down. It’s my one chance to empty my brain and maybe even get some validation that I’m not completely crazy. (And people will e-mail me privately to tell me when I am.)

I just want to thank everyone who’s been incredibly patient for me during this stress-filled summer. I’m hoping that what one of my new “friends” (in quotes till proven otherwise) said, and that’s that my little black cloud has burst and it’s all sunshine from here.

Maybe that’s what I need, for that stupid raincloud to go the fuck away, to free up some energy to find some like minds in this area. Because I really don’t have a lot to complain about — I just wish I had more to brag about (not that I’d ever brag!), so that the little crappy crap would remain at the small size that it was always intended to be, and the awesomeness will be magnified the way it should.

Another day for the record books.

The morning project went swimmingly. Day went downhill midway through. Saved the day with a “Mini Spa-cation” package at the local Marriott, which was a 20-minute massage, 20-minute facial and another 10 minutes in the sauna. Beauteous.

Genius got out of her relaxed state when she jumped in the car and slammed straight into another one. *sigh*

I’m OK. Not relaxed anymore, but OK. Car’s fine. Maybe if I ever get money to fix the air-conditioning, as it is SUCH a joy to drive in the 94-degree Florida heat with NO AIR, I’ll get the newest batch of white paint off my car. But it matches so nicely with all the other white paint I’ve acquired over the years, really, it’s no big deal anymore.

But the real kicker today was when I got in the elevator at my new apartment building with a couple of guys. They hit the second floor. I hit the penthouse button and just felt so weird about it, like, what the hell am I doing with a penthouse when I was born and raised as close to the bottom of middle class as is humanly allowed?

It occurred to me when there was another move taking place on the day I arrived here, how the other people’s movers were killing themselves to pick me up. I was dumb enough to give my number to one of them. And he has called and texted every frackin’ day.

I guess I was in a state where I was feeling ballsy and bold … and hey, moving into a new place, I thought my social life was turning around on the very first day. 😉 But when rationality prevailed (a half-hour later. Damn), I realized that people must think I’m rolling in cash or something, to have a beachside penthouse.

They clearly don’t know that ALL my money is going into renting right now!

This is a very weird place for me right now. I’ve always been the poor friend who didn’t have enough money to go out to eat, to buy a car, to live in a nice neighborhood, to be able to afford a concert ticket or to go out with the gang as regularly as they liked to go out.

And as I’ve started to earn better wages, I *could* go out more but never had the time.

And here I am, doing well enough to support myself and my mother (although I pray to God I don’t have to do it for much longer. Two-plus years is quite enough, thanks), and it occurs to me that I’ve risen to maybe the middle of the middle class. Maybe even upper-middle-class.

It’s just freaky, you know? I don’t have a square to spare right now. But once I recover from my current financial nightmare and get back on track, and Mom actually gets herself a job or something, I guess I have to start watching out for people who are only out to take advantage of what they think I might have. (Which isn’t much, if you look at my 15-year-old furniture, what’s left of it!)

I wonder if I will always feel like the poor kid. I wonder if I’ll ever feel like, “Hell yeah, I work HARD to afford this penthouse, bitchez!” I mean, I DO. But in my head, there’s a small war going on, between “who the hell do you think you are?” and “hey, other people this age have husbands and kids and since you have NOTHING to show for your 35 years, enjoy the condo!”

So yeah, I have an oceanfront condo on a prestigious island. But I can’t afford the gas to put into my dented-up car. The good news is, I’ll never get a swelled head at this rate. 🙂

Hello, Hoomin

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

That’d be “clusterfuck,” on the off-chance that you had a good day and can’t fathom a day like I had!

Maddie’s been gone for a month now, so I expect that’s why today has done nothing but SUCK.

Chaos reigned before I even left the house. You think you’d think of all the details, but nope, not so much. Let’s say I dropped a very small ball but another ball got not just dropped, but bounced out the window, and even though all was well in the end, there was a very tense hour that sort of set the tone for the day.

A few other dominoes fell over, but I surprised myself at saying, well, dem’s the brakes. No situation was ideal today, but I have too much to do and not enough time in which to do it all, so I will sleep well (actually, it’s too quiet here to sleep) knowing that I did everything I could.

What I wouldn’t give to have my Maddie curled up in my lap right now, purring loudly and lovingly, and taking all the pain away as only she knew how.

Just not the same here without you, puss. …