Boy have I been in a mental state for the past few days.
Money is the root of all evil, I’m just saying it now.
Money is the reason why my mother spent the last two years living with me. (Clarification: because of the lack thereof.) Money is the reason why she has her own place now because I have more than I did.
Money is the reason I harbor a world of resentment because instead of banking my money or using it for things that would make my life more enjoyable, I’ve now got two full sets of bills to pay.
Yet, my space would not be possible without money.
It’s such a Catch-22.
Five-ish years ago when I had no job, money was my curse because I was able and willing to work but couldn’t get hired to save my life and, thus, couldn’t earn any money to stay afloat. In this fucked-up economy, money is still elusive because what you have today can go up in flames in an instant.
I had a rough night last night. I realized that Mom was right and that my financial problems (the latest round) all started when I decided I HAD to get my own apartment again. That I HAD to get some shred of sanity in order to keep having a reason to continue my journey through this world.
Ergo, the conclusion is: Goddess is not meant to be happy in this world, and will be punished severely for even trying.
I don’t believe that to be true. But the little demons in my head that refuse to be quieted when I’m stressed out really made their case on that front.
But I’m no Mother Theresa. Sure I make sacrifices all the time. But if I don’t squeak in something for me in there once in a while, there will be nothing left of me.
Last night I went to the beach for an hour or two. I paid for my access and the check luckily cleared five days before my bank hijinks ensued (yay!).
God, it was good. Really.
I took my iPod and got soaked by renegade waves.
I sat on a lounge chair and watched planes prepare to land in Fort Lauderdale.
I texted with one of the best friends a girl could have. And I tried very hard not to lament the fact that I have no friends within a 1,000-mile radius and that all my favorite people are no less than a two-hour plane ride away.
I did come back when Mommy tried calling me because she was in my apartment to feed the cat and my shit was there and I wasn’t.
Sigh.
And even though I had sand between my toes, I lied about my whereabouts when I invited her back for us to eat the last two Lean Cuisines I have in the freezer because I haven’t been able to get us food.
I’m very much in a position of mental weakness right now, and I believe wholeheartedly that this is why bad thing after bad thing keeps happening to me.
I just want something good to happen, you know? ANYTHING. Anything that will give me a sign that it will get better.
Because otherwise, you end up with nights like I had last night where I was up NOT even worrying about my own tidal wave of suck, but how to ALSO find the strength to shoulder my mother’s as well.
I totally understand the midlife crisis now. I mean, really. I get it.
When you’re earning enough that you SHOULD be living all right, and when you’ve got the whole world strapped to your back and you simply cannot get out from under it … when the one thing you own (i.e., my car) — the thing that always took you far and fast away from everyone and everything that sucked — is nothing but a pile of junk …when nothing is really yours and you’re just tired of sharing your toys because you have to … when you have to put on a happy face (or at least one that doesn’t convey how fucked-up things really are) and keep pushing forward … I can TOTALLY see why someone goes out and buys a “penis car” or divorces their lifemate and goes in search of someone half their age. ANYTHING to recapture what it was like to have hope again.
I realize I probably sound like a nutjob on this blog. But it’s my only friend right now. Probably has been my only friend for a long time. At least, the only friend I confide in.
I often think I’m getting too old to blog. Especially with this existential horseshit that’s better left unacknowledged. Maybe the blog is my solution to MY midlife crisis.
I dunno. I guess I’m looking around right now and seeing no chance of retiring, no chance of Mom NOT being dependent on me, and no real reason to think that things will ever change.
But I also know that, the second my damn check card arrives, my whole outlook will change and I will be dancing on the ceiling with absolute and utter joy.
As I said, money is the root of all evil. But it does buy peace, as fleeting as it may be. And I’m not one to pass up peace anywhere I can get it.
Think about how much money I would save by not paying for Mommy to live elsewhere. And while I may not be able to sustain it for more than a year, I know to enjoy it while I have it. Because what’s left of my mental health? Is worth any price tag you can put on it. …