We have a saying in my world, that we need to take time to get “back to neutral.” That time is usually no longer than a few minutes or hours, but you take it when you can get it, and you maximize it.
I spent an hour at the beach today, and it was lovely. I spent an hour by the pool yesterday, and it was almost as good. At the pool, there was a very large bearded dragon lounging next to me. Kind of freaky, but he was harmless. I guess he crawled out of the Intracoastal and wanted to get a tan. He was the only one there and he didn’t talk, so he was welcome in my space.
I’ve been crabby of the highest drown-me-in-drawn-butter caliber the past few days. Mostly about money and all the bills I have to pay, particularly those that aren’t mine. I’m mad that because I didn’t make time to see my mother all week, she didn’t eat. There is always something in my fridge, even if it’s just cereal and yogurt, so this self-punishment by starvation shit bores me to tears.
She said something to me after church today, when I wanted to go have someone pray for me and she refused to come along (and I decided to say fuck it and leave because the only person who needs a prayer more than I do is her), she said she wasn’t going to come to church with me anymore. OMG, drama. But she did say something interesting, which is that she’s no good for me. Which is pretty true right now; I ain’t arguing. It’s hard to keep it together for two of us.
And this is why I need church. To remind me to stop thinking about all the money I’m not saving, to forget about all the free time I don’t have, and think bigger. To remember that this life is all I have and I can either worry it away or find the good things and hold on tightly. That there are people SO much worse-off than me and I need to be doing something to help them. That my impact on this world has yet to be begun and I’m not leaving this place without rocking the globe off its axis in one way or another.
It’s funny how just an hour and a half of amazing worship can tilt me back into the right direction. Imagine if I made time for Sunday night worship or other school-night events like feeding the homeless and other projects my church does.
I hold myself back from committing to anything because I don’t want to be a no-show. But I really feel like my calling is to volunteer in my community through my church. I’ve also held back because it’s kind of clique-ish. At my old church, you could not get through the door without all the pastors zeroing on the fresh blood. I’ve been going to the new church for months, and not a soul has noticed my presence. But that just means I have to make myself stand out and, unlike at my old church, here I am ready to do so.
And in that, I feel I won’t get too far from neutral, or at least I’ll have more than just a prayer of snapping back to it much-more often. And maybe I won’t leave that state once I feel like I’m doing the right thing, whatever that might be.