Caterwauling

Photo says it all. Ask and ye shall receive … a big, fat pimp-slap.

A friend sent me this awesome blog post, on how advertisers should be licensed.

And while I HEARTILY agree with the post on principle, this part was what really reminded my friend of me. …

“I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now.”

Wednesday is fired. In case that wasn’t clear. And Thursday’s not looking very safe right now, either.

I need to do some writing this weekend, as a self-preservation measure. And yet, procrastination once again gets the better of me, and I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the Wonderland otherwise known as Teh Intarwebz, seeking the inspiration that has yet to come.

I’ve had a thought toiling in my head for about 20 seconds, that who I am today is the result of who I’ve become during thousands of yesterdays.

I say this to provide myself some comfort that, for anyone who resents me because of what I’m not, well, it’s because those qualities, skills, knowledge or feelings either never arose or never registered on me enough to impact the Goddess of today. And that if you feel the need for me to be versed in any of those things, I’ve never been opposed to being taught.

I have a couple of suitors out there. 😉 And I find myself in a very strange situation. Whereas, once upon a time, if I didn’t feel it right off the bat, I’d dump the whole lot of them and keep going … now, I wonder if at my advanced (biological-clock) age, perhaps either A.) I stop being so damn picky and get to trust someone on a deeper level, or B.) can’t I just pick one from this batch? I mean, how many more opportunities are going to walk up to me with the intent of romancing me?

Desperation No. 5, in stores now!

When you’ve waited so long, the way I have — and when you’ve made a couple of really bad decisions in your day, the way I have — you get caught on this tightrope of, perhaps not insecurity, but definitely indecision. When things just don’t turn out the way you thought they would — or, if you’d just had the gift of hindsight, you would tell your younger/less-jaded self to just choose differently — it’s easier to let things happen to you.

Now, I don’t leave things up to fate — perhaps, not as often as I should — because if God is truly in control, then just keep in mind that He has a full tank of gas and your ride doesn’t slow down to a complete stop just because you’re out of Dramamine. I’d rather blame myself for action than inaction.

On the other hand, it is all those yesterdays that have made this day my today. Someone else’s yesterdays — or a choice made differently 5, 10, 15 or 20 years ago — would not have led me here.

As I always say, “Some people would kill to have my problems.”

I’m emerging from an a fallow season. The harvest isn’t here yet, but the foliage is starting to come to life again. As it happens every few years, of course. I guess my ultimate struggle with faith is the doubt that I’ll ever see paradise. Sure, I find beauty in almost everything, and appreciate it more when there’s nothing but darkness and evil to be found somewhere else. But if those beautiful moments of life that have long since passed are the best it gets, well, count me out. The struggles are too great for how small the rewards have been.

But what if…

I don’t have too many more years left for do-overs. I saw some new wrinkles yesterday and it reminded me that I’m not going to age very well, so I’d better move on to the next phase of my evolution before it’s too late.

I don’t want to pick wrong this time, if I even have to choose at all. Which I do. I know I do. I feel it in the depth of my soul that this is it. This is my moment. And all my experiences, and even the lack thereof in some other cases, have brought me here.

But I guess, before I do anything, I still wonder whether a dark-horse candidate will enter the race and when I see him, I’ll just know.

If that’s the case, I hope he comes soon. …

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

When you ask for abundance, you get it.

Note to self: DEFINE abundance before you ask for it.

I’ve got it both good and bad, so I’m not allowing myself to complain.

I’d rather have too many choices than too few.

But I also don’t want to blow a choice because I pick wrong (again).

Because you just don’t get it back, you’ve got to do it right the first time. Or, the second time, as I’m finding.

All the stars are aligning when it comes to friends and fun and boys. I guess I finally understand when people marry someone and wish they’d chosen someone else. I mean, when you can’t have them all, you go with what works for you right now.

I want it all, damn it. Why can’t I have it?

So, allow me to enjoy this brief moment where I’m not worrying about the bullshit, because the bullshit will not matter in five years from now.

And indulge me as I envision all the possibilities and, for one shining moment in my life, feel like the prettiest girl at the dance. Does our heroine pick the quarterback or the president of the math club … or the loner who’s smoking a cigarette behind the school?

Or is there a way she can have them all … and will she figure it out in time?

“I’ve got nothing on my mind: Nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. And I’ve got nothing to regret,
But I’m all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I’ve got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I’m not anymore.”

— Don McLean, “Crossroads”

I went from a wonderful weekend to one of the most frustrating weeks of my life. It’s almost too embarrassing to explain, but it’ll be in my book someday.

Mark my words.

Till then, I’ve let it go, and look forward to a better today without the burden of trying to change the world. “Operation: $@#%@!” is stalled and I am crying uncle for the moment.

I’ll get right back on that tomorrow, though. 😉

“You know I’ve heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.

But there’s no need for turning back
`Cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I’ll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.”

Gaylord Palms

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

GREAT weekend. Just rolled back into beach land from Orlando for what I like to call our “family reunion.”

Got to see lots of former colleagues — those who weren’t sent home to be captive to the crapload of snow that dropped on our D.C. motherland. Several folks are still stuck down here, while their families haven’t had electricity or an ability to, oh, burrow out of their houses in days.

What’s great about these “family reunions” is that not only do current employees at my old job show up, but all of us ex-employees come back to visit. What’s greater still is NOT having to work at the conference, and wearing comfy shoes/clothes and coming and going as you please. 🙂

Anyway, what a great group that showed up at this event. And wow, did I feel like the prodigal daughter, coming home for a visit. A Bon Jovi lyric came to mind (I know, shocker, right?): “There’s only one place they call you one of their own.”

And wow, how true is that? Everyone’s like a long-lost parent, aunt, uncle, cousin, brother or sister. Even the regular customers who always used to walk up to me to chat — it was wonderful to be remembered fondly. 🙂

Don’t get me wrong — I made the right move to hit the road when I did. But after having so many ex-employers treat me like crap because I dared to defect from the camp and try something else, these guys have nothing but love and support.

Never felt so good about myself, either. It’s amazing what people remember, and share with fondness, respect and maybe even reverence. And those feelings, I clearly return.

So, I’m home and I’m sort of homesick, but it was never for D.C. It was always for my “family” and friends.

But knowing they’re trapped here for a couple of days makes me a little bit selfishly happy to know that everyone’s in my area. 🙂

This was exactly what I needed — just a couple of days with people who know me better than I know myself. My one friend kicked my ass about still supporting my mom and I promised to adhere to her timeline to change that!

I’m just glad I didn’t miss out on this event. Everyone has changed a lot in the past year. Maybe I’ve changed the most. And the Goddess of a year ago wouldn’t have been able to make time for friends and fun.

This Goddess has finally realized (courtesy of said friend above) that everything in life will come and go, but you have to nurture what will be with you forever.

And seeing that we can all grow and change and still pick right back up where we left off did my heart and soul worlds of good. It’s much easier to move forward without feeling the need to look back every once in a while.

I’m already putting next year’s family reunion on the calendar. And I’m counting my blessings for my fan club, for NOT living in D.C. anymore, and for having a world of opportunities right where I am to look forward to.

And as I wrap this up from my computer that overlooks the ocean, I say, “It’s good to be me.” And, “Thanks, God, for everything.”

South Florida Fair, Royal Palm Beach

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

What a melancholy little day. Could be the cubic foot of rain that’s descending upon the Palm Beaches. But whatever the symptom, it’s merely a cover-up for the cause.

A friend and I were just discussing how life’s lessons have to be expensive. What, is it that we won’t remember them if we aren’t paying dearly, whether out-of-pocket or with our souls? (Or both?)

Even though we have a lot to complain about, we know we have a lot for which to be thankful. It’s just, gah, why does it feel like we’re always paying not just for our own decisions/mistakes, but everyone else’s as well?

We do our damndest to keep up the smiles and the spirits. But on days like today when the cloud cover is gray and heavy, it’s too much to put a cork in it.

I dunno. I guess we all move forward not just with the best of intentions, but also with great expectation. You buy the house that’s just outside of your price range because your income will “grow into” it. You hide your neuroses and your teddy bears to show that awesome new guy that you’re not crazy — honest!

And once your sea legs stop wobbling so damn much, you get ready to take a few steps unassisted. But you just assume that there will still be ground to walk upon and that you’re not at the end of some metaphorical plank, ready to go swim with the fishies because you thought you were on “Gilligan’s Island” but it’s really an episode of “The Sopranos.”

But it’s the little things. The promise of a new tomorrow. The knowledge that karma owes you three times’ worth of good things than the bad things it’s given you so far. The possibility of living the dream, just as soon as you identify it. The sparkle in that boy’s eyes when he sees you next.

The world wants to take all of that away. And I’m not going to let it. It’s already taken away enough.

The game is on, my friends.