Caterwauling

Just another perfect Florida Keys sunset

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

My dreams are just crazy these days. Last night the “love of my life” (LOL feels like an appropriate acronym here) circa 2000 made an appearance.

Which brings me to today’s lament … I miss love.

Rather, the “falling in” bit.

I miss “the giddy.” The wanting to wear makeup … the putting together of cute outfits just in case you’d run into him today … the “oh hey I didn’t know you’d be here” even though your ass stalked him to figure out where you could “accidentally” run into him. 😉

My friends are a brilliant cross-section of all stages of a relationship, but the point is that there IS one somewhere. They range from engaged to married to expecting to breast-feeding to trying for the next kid to divorcing to finding their way after all was said and done. But the common thread is having something to look forward to.

What bugs me most about re-adopting my old D.C. jobs is that I went straight back into the “who the hell has time for a man?” mentality. I think my dream reminded me of the exhilaration I’ve spent too much time without.

These days, I mostly only find “the giddy” when I see the “Leaving Miami-Dade County” sign … when I know I’m in Monroe County and Key Largo is just ahead.

Not that there’s any hope of meeting men in Florida — I want to kick myself for not meeting someone in D.C., although I am grateful to not be tied to that place.

I actually miss the D.C. douchebags. They at least had ambition on their side. Here, the boys are happy to live on a houseboat and not amount to a hill of beans. I need one who’s willing to power that boat straight up to Manhattan and take me to a damn Broadway show or something.

I don’t think that kind of captain exists — at least, not in my world. But then again, I live in a snowglobe outside of which I rarely set foot.

As if I needed any more reason to shake up my little snowglobe world, seeing my then-LOL in my dream last night and remembering what it was like (*aaah*) makes me want to take a hammer to the glass and let the glitter spill where it may.

Hmm. Where did I hide my toolbox again? (And not the battery-operated treasure trove…)

Backyard fishing pier

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

From the “everything happens for a reason” files:

— Had I never got fed up with my “life” (as it were) in D.C., I never would have moved to Florida.

— Had I not gotten sick of being medicated in order to exist at the first job I took down here, I never would have met my future boss at a happy hour where my friend Lady L brought me in hopes I’d benefit from the networking opportunity.

— Had I not mended fences with a person from that horrible adventure, and reintroduced that person to an old colleague, they would never have done business while I worked at my new job.

— Had the new job not tossed me out on the street, I wouldn’t have started freelancing.

— Had I not been available for work, I woudn’t have had the opportunity to work with the people I loved/respected from D.C. as they formed their own companies.

— Had I not realized I might have romanticized D.C. just a tad while I endured truly horrible situations, I wouldn’t have kept my eyes and lines of communication open for the next big opportunity.

— Had my two friends that I reintroduced NOT gotten together, they wouldn’t have had the billion-dollar business idea.

— Had I been chained to another job, I would never have been able to join them.

I have stories to tell, friends. Big, juicy, delicious and delightful stories.

“These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there’s only future
There’s only here, there’s only now.”

— Van Morrison, “These are the Days”

These are the days we will reminisce about. The calm days when the magnitude of what we were about to do wasn’t so clear. The giddy days when we could only dream about how our worldwide network was going to join forces and change the industry.

This was what we were put on this earth to do. And it’s almost time to put all other distractions out of the way and go warp-speed-ahead.

This is going to be the best year of our lives. …

Bubble

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ah, take me away, photo of the waters above the Coral Reef due east of Key Largo…

My brain is dead. My work is not done. I am back right where I was three years ago when I didn’t know where my house was because I worked so many hours. Now that I work at home, I don’t know where outside is.

It’s OK. Can’t complain, really. I don’t work the hours I used to, although the magnitude of each project is starting to consume me just a tad.

I almost fell over when I checked my e-mail today and got a note from another company that would like me to do some freelance for them. I was shocked that they approached me — it was one of those places that I make it my business NOT to, well, do business with.

I remember every company that ever screwed a friend over. I’m loyal to an extent. I mean, hell yeah I will take a paycheck as long as I am worshiped as the goddess I am. But it does get a little icky when there’s a backstory that I’m not supposed to know.

And I ALWAYS know.

This field is already small enough without eliminating opportunities based on past (and future, no doubt) dick moves. Shit, I am pretty sure I’ve already run out of places to work and/or people to work for, if I adhere to the “no buttheads” rule.

This was a hard week. Not excruciating but DEFINITELY frustrating. Either I’m going to get used to it again or I’m going to fling myself off the next glass-bottom boat I’m on and onto the nearest living coral reef. (If I’m doing myself in, I’m doing it in such a way that it hits at least the local papers.)

We’re doing another Keys weekend next weekend. (Fuckin’ YAY.) And I do have some plans this weekend. (Drunken pedicure? Hell yeah.) But my hottest date is with the ‘puter.

There’s SO much to do. SO VERY MUCH. These are the days we are going to look back on, as the cusp before absolute and utter greatness. Either that or the days I remember fondly as I gnaw on the restraints as I whack my head along the wall of my padded room. Whichever.

Glad I have wine. Lots and lots of wine. Because “adult fruit juice” is about the only thing that’s going to keep me healthy enough to keep at it till there’s something to show for it all…

Kitty is not pleased with your offering

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Another set of weird dreams is plaguing me, making my nights just as bizarre as my days. (Which are neither “all that” nor a “bag of chips.”)

I dreamed I was traveling with my first roommate. She wouldn’t tell me where we were, only letting me take guesses based on architecture. (My iPhone and therefore ability to research on the Internet were taken away.)

We were in what I believe was Alaska (no, I couldn’t see Russia) when we were joined by a motley crew of men I, ahem, *knew* one way or another from college.

I had to laugh — the neurotic hypochondriac of the bunch came in and prattled on endlessly about his conditions, pretty much to himself. The one who wanted to be a comedian told jokes to himself. And another one did whatever his habit was, to himself. (I don’t remember anything other than leaving at that point.)

The funny part was they were all sitting at a table, existing together but not noticing that the other guy wasn’t paying an ounce of attention to him.

It was kind of like I was there!

That gave me a good giggle and a GREAT insight … that I could very well leave and put someone else in my place, and nobody would even notice the difference.

Meanwhile my friend and I went out photographing glaciers and enjoying the quiet.

These days, I find myself remembering why I came to Florida. It wasn’t that the people doing the hiring were impressive. I didn’t even care to impress them. That I got a job offer was downright baffling. That I TOOK it is suddenly so very understandable, though.

Today is the three-year anniversary (that word seems so inappropriate) of a brand-new friend passing away suddenly in her mid-20s. Boy did that rattle me. I think it’s a big reason why I left my old life behind in such a hurry. (That and being sick of only being lauded for my lightning-speed Swahili-to-English editing jobs.)

I was so tired of my life then. I probably would have switched places with our bright, beautiful and charismatic friend, would only the universe have asked. I’m not saying it’s much better given that my being a walking Rosetta Stone for the Swahili-to-English set is pretty much what’s paying the rent these days.

But it does come as a stark reminder that these days are so precious and finite. And if what I really want to do is market my friends’ businesses in exchange for a little piece of unincorporated land in Monroe County (the Keys), then I’d better hop right to that. (Or, waddle, these days.)

Mom hears me hollering at the computer all day. I told her I only have two Rosetta Stone assignments right now — you missed the days when that number exceeded 10.

All that said, it’s looking like the time has come around again for another leap of faith.

And our heroine has failed enough in the last two years that this one should be easier than most to make. But the stakes are much higher — I at least had people, places and things to run back to. Next time around, it’s full-steam-ahead or full-on-faceplant.

Oh, hell. I know what I am going to do. I have the “why.” And I’ll figure out the “how” later, like I always do…

Yesterday was not a bad day. Today, however, will be because I was so exhausted/frustrated I didn’t have any energy for my other jobs.

Yeah, my new project? Is going to be the death of me. My half-time “job” — which kept me busy about a quarter of the time, at best — is going to be a near-full-time excursion.

Can haz razor blades?

I gave up around 4 p.m. yesterday — had to get the car out of the shop anyway. And stayed far from the computer afterward.

Oh, the car. It actually sounded really bad as the mechanic was running it. I didn’t want to part with the beaucoup bucks I was quoted over the phone. But he did well and explained why it still sounds like a rattling deathtrap. And I have to say, driving it was almost like having a brand-new car. The violent shaking is gone. Whee!

He had told me he was terrified, driving my car on the road test. I would have called him a pussy had I not seen the crucifix hanging over the door. 😉 But he was impressed that it still has all its original parts … and even that some of them still work!

Anyway, yesterday was not a total fail, but I had a migraine from hell and pretty much retreated to my “couch-and-iPad” happy place for the duration.

Today I hope to have time for my side project that makes me happy, since that was where Tuesdays USED to go. But I did get a message about the new project that it would also consume my day today. I almost cried.

It’s funny — over the years I’ve had every combination of either liking the people, liking the work, both or neither. This time, I dig the people but the work is not what dreams are made of. Too bad for all those jobs where the people were assholes when I liked what I was doing. Maybe I would have done it better had I been treated with a modicum of respect. Of course, what can you expect from a workplace? Not much. Not much at all…

Oh well. If I go ballistic and quit and have to end up living in my car, at least I know it will safely get me to the Keys…

Dropped off the car at a new mechanic today. Nothing scares me more than living with my mother for the rest of my life than having her drive me somewhere. Oy.

Going to the mechanic reminds me of why I hate going to the doctor. I think I’m fine, but as soon as they look under the hood, I just KNOW whatever they’re going to find is going to be expensive to fix.

A full-time job opportunity came my way yesterday, with an invitation by the company’s CEO to apply. I’m tempted, although I’m afraid that an “easy” fix now would mean bowing to the “Trade Alert” gods and forever sealing my fate as “alert bitch.”

I think where all my fear comes from in life is having nowhere to turn. (A self-induced state, I’m aware.) I have friends with WAY worse problems than I ever *knock on wood* will. But they have kickass partners — they have teamwork. It’s a little different for the rest of us who are a bit lacking in the support system area.

I was thinking about the last battle I walked away from, last year. I should have hired a lawyer. I should have unveiled my notebooks full of documentation. I should have gleefully and graphically shared my story with anyone who would listen. I should NOT have accepted the equivalent of blackmail.

And I am determining whether there is still some recourse.

But for today’s near-drama-free existence — which I never would have experienced had things not gone so horribly awry — I think I am OK without disrupting that.

By moving on, I’ve been blessed with good friends, peace of mind, and a near-constant exposure to entrepreneurial spirits. Nobody’s clinging desperately to roles they were never qualified to fill in the first place. No catering to everyone else’s whims that are squarely designed to create tension because that’s the only thing others know how to operate in/manage.

Sure, I’m chained to my ‘puter all damn day and don’t have anything to show for it. (It was one thing when there were two feet of snow on the ground, but to be locked up all day looking at the ocean from behind glass? Not so fun.) But it beats dressing up and being torn down.

So, anyway, the job opportunity. I know the people doing the hiring. They aren’t like that. Of course, that’s what I thought the last dozen times around, too. Besides, I’m just not ready. I may never be.

Of course, that depends on how today goes, as it’s the start of another new product for a current project. I may be begging for that interview by 4 p.m. We shall see. Based on past experience, though, I just don’t have enough lips for all the butt that is required to be kissed.

That’s why companies have to provide healthcare … the people they put in charge of you are the ones who CAUSE all the ailments!