Caterwauling

Every day I say my little mantras as I drive to work. Thank you, God, for keeping me safe from these Floridian death angels on the road. Thank you, God, for giving me a job to go to. Thank you, God, for the good day I’m about to have or, at least, for the paycheck I’ll get either way. 😉

I don’t have bad days, though. I have days that have parts I’d like to light on fire, but I don’t let one or two (or five) crazy things taint the day.

Today started off with me not really dressing up as I tend to. I felt really blah and I certainly look it. The one thing I asked God for today was, “I know I ask to run into a certain person. Today, I’d be really happy if we didn’t cross paths.”

And God laughed heartily.

I was feeling and looking like hell. And I was exhausted and couldn’t even talk. I explained, “No verbal ability at this hour!” and that was that. He showed me his venti Starbucks and nodded knowingly.

Then I made the mother of all boo-boos on a subject line that was only seen by about a quarter-million people. I let the right people know about it — I put a word in that didn’t belong; it was an easy fix on the Web site but DAMN this was an amateur mistake. GAH.

I’ve been trying to unload one of my freelance gigs. By rights I should unload both, but I feel very insecure right now and like knowing I have the ability to pay rent next month. But the third gig, I’ve been begging for them to replace me. It’s easy work and they pay well enough. But I realized that it’s not work that’s sharpening my skills at all. It’s not adding to my enjoyment of life or giving me a feeling of achievement. Ergo, in this case time is worth more than money.

They finally heeded my pleas to let me go … under the condition that I find my replacement. *headslam* Because I don’t have enough time to DO the work, I have to hire a replacement too?!?!

They love me. They really do. They tell me they can’t replace me, so the next-best thing is me naming a replacement. I don’t have people like that, falling all over me and telling me how fabulous I am. That’s because I’m not DOING anything fabulous. I get a panic attack when I take on an ounce more work — like, hey, I’m prone to fucking up right now … you sure you want to give me that, too?

I think about all of my friends with kids and wonder how they do it — how do you work all day, do other stuff at night, spend time with your family, lose sleep and then get up and do it all again? Toss in all the other worries (financial, vehicular, familial, etc. — and all at once, I might add) and how do you put in a productive eight hours at the place that pays you to be your best?

I can’t be the only one who’s this nuts, right? Other people have managed, yes? This too shall pass and wonderful things will happen when everything starts to “come together.” But how do you keep from falling apart, day after day, in the meantime?

CityPlace Snowfall 2011

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.”

— Trace Adkins, “You’re Gonna Miss This”

I had my perspective rattled a bit this week. I was working hard at my new job and heard through the grapevine that the side job is covering its bases for when (not if) they think I’m going to either flake out or give up or whatever.

And that killed me. Because yes, I’m a little stressed and overwhelmed right now. But that was the one company that thought (and treated me like) I walked on water.

I’m so bogged down in everything that’s going wrong right now … or, at least, in what’s just not going my way.

The problem is always perspective. And today I need to turn the challenges into opportunities.

One, the commute to the new job is fine, if not a little long. (And my guardian angels have to be on hyper-alert with all these crazy Floridians on the roads!)

But I am grateful that my little rattling deathtrap gets me there safely. And that I have a destination to go to that offers a paycheck in exchange for my time and efforts.

I struggle, too, with how much I have on my little plate. But what do I do when I’m not engaging my brain? Usually surfing the iPad while the TV drones in the background. Which is my little happy place right now. Although it’s not enough.

So I mentioned that there may or may not be a boy. And a part of me just wants to know, you know? Is this something that might have a prayer of unfolding or should I just get it out of my head before it takes root?

But this … this is where I appreciate the universe taking its time. Maybe I don’t want to know the outcome just yet. Sure, I hope it’s favorable. And maybe it actually will be. However, the “not knowing” is at least keeping my brain engaged and not letting me get lost in everything else that is or isn’t going on.

I guess I get into the Billy Crystal mode in “When Harry Met Sally” when he says that when you find the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you want forever to start right away. But I ain’t asking for forever here. A date would be good.

I say all of this to say that at least there is the possibility of something, right? Even if it ends up like all the others. (God I hope it doesn’t end up like all the others.)

Today is the fifth anniversary that my grandfather left this earth. And I’ve changed so much. I spend probably the first four years after he left just begging God to get me through this phase (where Mom moved in) … just get me to the part where she’s independent and moves out.

Well … we haven’t quite gotten to that phase yet. So in the last year, I’ve accepted that at least I have my mom. She’s still on this earth. She’s my No. 1 fan and loves me like none other.

In other words, all the time I spent begging, pleading and negotiating with God to make time go quickly until things go my way … well .. was pointless.

They haven’t gone my way. Lord only knows if they ever will. But I spent a lot of time being miserable when I could have instead found ways to be happy.

I often crab about being new at my job … that I just want to learn this stuff already so that I can make a difference and move up in the company.

I just have to remember that I have my health, I have my mind, I have my experience and I have a voice that I should use a little more often.

In other words, it’s all on me. I’m sick to everloving death of the pressure — everything is life-or-death — but I am grateful that I have the opportunity to choose “life” … and pursue it with all I’ve got.

When I was wishing for a real job, I forgot about expenses like gas and makeup, aggravations like wearing pantyhose and shoes that aren’t flip-flops, and working in a building where you have a ridiculous little crush on somebody and you have absolutely no occasion to run into them and all you can do is try to figure out how to stage a meeting (like you did a few days ago, clever girl).

Yep, here we go again. 🙂

Anyway, I read a great blog entry today that stuck with me, as I come home exhausted and have to fire up the piece-of-crap computer for other endeavors. Of course, I’ve gotten my side workload down to near-nothing. Which means the pay is down the toilet too, but it leaves me more time to unwind and daydream about boys and such.

From an entry called “Every Little Thing”:

“EVERYTHING you do, no matter how unimportant it might seem to other people, should speak as a reflection of who you are and what is important to you. For me, that’s God. For you, it may be something else. The point is, if it is worth your time to do it, you should do it well, in a way that speaks to who you are. And what’s more, if you don’t have time to do it well because by the time you get there you are too sleepy to enjoy it or complete the task, what good is it?”

Too sleepy … can I get an amen?

The post is so honest — I swear, I need to be friends with the ladies who write that blog. I too hate to disappoint everyone and not avail myself. Because the opportunities will dry up and it will be because I didn’t have the time/energy to accommodate them. On the other hand, I don’t like to half-ass things, and lately I’m trying to put two half-assed efforts together to make one complete pudgy pork-roast ass. And that ain’t cuttin’ it.

I was talking to an officemate today about pay cuts, as we both took a step back both in title and compensation from our last formal gigs. But what’s also true for both of us is that we also worked from home from the past year, so what we’re doing now is a HUGE step up in comparison to that.

Funny how our brains like to let us forget sometimes where we really were. He ran his own business and told me that you’ve never truly run a company till you’ve sweated payroll. I guess I had the other side of that equation — you’ve never worked for a small company till you sweated THEM making payroll.

I’m still waiting for a check, by the way. A big one. But this holiday I give thanks for being rid of the “Va Twins” (whom I called Vajayjay and Vagina), and there ain’t no amount of money that made dealing with them worthwhile.

And while I’d never wish ill on anyone, but when that business gets thisclose to making it but it seems like there’s always something holding them back, I wonder if any of them will remember me and wonder if maybe the reason they never managed to get God’s best might have had something to do with the things they said and did to me that made me shut down and walk away.

Probably not. But I like to wonder. I mean, what else do I have to do during the 70-odd miles I spend in the car every day? Other than think about the boy, of course. … 😉

Apparently the pot o’ gold is next-door

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I know I’ve only been at my new gig for two weeks, but I’m sick of being new. I’m ready to shine. I accept that now.

But how?

Mom pointed out to me that they hired me partly based on who I can be, but probably mostly based on who I was. And we all know that riding on one’s prior successes is a short-lived ride.

I need to top myself somehow.

But, again, how?

I’m starting to form a plan. I’ll get back to you on whether it works.

I thought I could be average for a while. Yeah, “average” doesn’t agree with me. And I’m dangerously close to falling — and staying — in that trap.

And being comfortable was never my style, as though “gnawing at your leg that’s caught in a set of steel jaws to break free” indicates “comfort” in any way.

Lord, give me strength. And world, look out.

And frankly, I think it’s high time to manifest, if not a soulmate, then at least someone I can like. Oddly enough, I think I did that anyway without even trying. Time will tell, but my mind is suddenly wandering to a specific place.

If I were the Goddess of any other year, I would say hell no — focus on work. But today’s Goddess says that being well-rounded doesn’t apply just to one’s pudgy pork roast ass.

Yeah, I’m definitely up to something. A few things. 😉

Who says you can’t have it all or, at least, try like hell and see what happens?

No molesting the wildlife

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Honest to God, this is the sign right by where I park my car. I have since changed parking spots. 🙂

Let’s say you had a choice among three things to pick from. You are ALWAYS going to think you picked wrong, aren’t you? Even though everything in you told you what choice to make … whether it was gut or logic or convenience or whatever … you are always going to stop and say, “WTF?”

Yeah, cognitive dissonance is setting in.

It’s not that I dislike anyone or anything. Quite the contrary — I am always pleased that, wherever I go, there are some truly extraordinary people whom I never would have met otherwise who become a big part of my life.

It’s just …. I used to be THE BOSS, you know? And I took a step back, which means doing all that stuff I used to delegate. That’s been a rough transition. 😉 Like, who me? *looks around* Shit!

I did this once before … stepping back in order to springboard forward. And in the long run, it may be a wise move, as it was when I reached the top of my food chain that my head got cut off. Maybe not having my head sticking out of the cube farm isn’t a horrible thing.

I just hope it’s enough for me.

I have been resisting the urge to shine. Which probably means I’ll end up on the non-employment (because unemployment implies getting benefits, which I never have) line again.

A former friend once gave a brilliant reference about me to a potential job. That individual said that I’m one of those people who sort of slides into a role unnoticed. But then when you go to figure out who’s getting all this stuff done, you realize your company WILL NOT RUN without me in it.

And that’s kind of what I’ve been doing. Just, feeling my way and finding my place. Making friends with the people who will help me get that stuff done. You know, the usual.

But after years of working with superstars … people who trust me in ways frankly they just shouldn’t (but they’ve never regretted it) … it’s weird to be backing-and-filling. Like, it took me a few weeks, but I popped off yesterday in my head with a “Don’t you people know who I am?”

And I realized, nope — they don’t. Because my dumb ass hasn’t been tooting my horn or showing any inclination of wanting to shine like I used to.

Hrmph.

I need therapy. Retail or otherwise.

My new view

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ever the overachiever, it’s not enough for me to fail at one job … I have to bomb at three!

I think I’m a wee bit overcommitted right now. I really need the safety of multiple income streams. But I’m taking half-assing things to a whole new level. Why can’t THAT count as “excelling at something”?

Tomorrow is my very first payday in a year. Sweet merciful Jesus. Please, God, let me make a habit of getting those again!

What I really want is someone to talk to, and go out and have fun with. (And yes, I’m aware I owe ALL OF YOU a call, text, e-mail, smoke signal, gift, edit, article or whatever else.) Just, someone who knows everything and doesn’t need a backstory.

I lost that person this summer and I’m feeling the void. (Of course, I have also gained two hours a day that we’re not on the phone, so there’s my daily commute.)

Actually, I’m thinking it’s time to think about meeting someone special. Of course, every time I start to think about that, I put it aside and focus on everything else. Because, let’s face it, that means having to do some work on myself. And I’ve put off that work for WAY too long to keep delaying it.

I guess that would mean having to give up a job. Oh well. 🙂 It would be worth it, to have something to look forward to other than payday.

Even though I blather in this space about the New Job, I haven’t told all that many people about it.

I explained to some friends the other night that it’s my equivalent of a pregnancy. I am excited but I also do not want to jinx it. I do not want to find myself in the position of having to explain where it went should it happen to not work out.

So for now my social media status is still freelance. And I kind of like not having too many people know where to find me, you know? All anyone needs to know is that I will be OK.

I just wonder what it will take to make me feel secure. Probably a favorable annual review. Or a decade anniversary. 😉 Good thing I do not have a kid — I’d probably introduce it to the world when it turns 33!

Big paw

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Work is great. I look forward to starting my second week tomorrow. I could see myself being there for quite some time.

A whole lot of new expenses have just arisen, which makes me reticent to withdraw from all my income sources right now. So I’m exhausted all the time with a schedule that isn’t sustainable.

I figure, other people have kids; I have jobs. But why do I still feel so scared about money? How do other people do this?

I also have a little project that Mom and I do together sometimes. Now that I get out of the house daily, I do it on my own, too. It involves a little time and a little money, on a daily basis.

I’m sick of donating to a system that doesn’t take care of everyone who needs something. So I’m adopting my own little corner of the world to take care of.

I cry every day at how unfair life is for so many — truly I do. And sure, maybe I shed a piteous tear for myself in there sometimes. But even when things have been at their hardest for me, I’ve been able to pay forward some good, even if it’s just a little tiny bit.

Life’s been good to me. Even if I’m too paranoid to see it sometimes.

Mom reminded me tonight that I have a hard time feeling like I deserve anything good happening to me. I’m always looking for the bucket of water over the door frame, to ruin it all. Even though you’ll never meet anyone who tries harder than me, I always feel like I fall short.

It’s funny. I hoped and prayed so hard for this next phase of my life to arrive. And now that it’s here, the uncertainty has only just begun in earnest.

Oh well. I’m not the smartest person or the quickest learner or the most clever or creative, but I am the sincerest pumpkin in the patch. And I’ll do the best I can. Maybe someday, for someone, that will be enough. Perhaps even for me, too. …

Having a job is lovely. And it seems like a wonderful place. Yay Goddess. It’s like the southern campus of Ye Olde Employment Establishment from D.C. — thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. (I can’t say it enough!)

I would have had my “up North” interview today. I’m glad I didn’t go. Maybe I took the path of least resistance, but I also could have NOT gotten the job after the trip, nor had this one, for that matter. So, I win.

Today I had to deal with a sorta-not-really friend-type on Facebook. So I made a stupid comment about that dumb fuck Michelle Bachmann. So he thought it was “ugly” and that “I should be ashamed of myself.”

Um, fuck him.

I deleted his comment, since I really don’t give a fuck about what he thinks. So he left another comment reminding me of what he said and commanding me to either defend my comment or delete the original post.

So I deleted HIM.

Who the hell has time to go follow up on people’s pages to see what they did with your comments? Dude, I have a JOB again. Perhaps I can recommend other people getting one and not poking the penguin?

Seriously, nobody tells me to be ashamed of myself. That puts you right on the “dead to me” list right next to the person who told me that work I did (for which I haven’t been paid, BTW) was “sloppy copy.”

I do enough to beat myself up, thanks. I don’t need to hear unsolicited opinions, especially when they REITERATE them in hopes of — what? — provoking a fight? Not worth it. Another body on the pile. Zee end.

I recall a friend who got mad at me a few years ago for referring to certain Republicans as “Repugs.” Which I thought was clever. But at least my friend said, hey look, you’re smarter than an insult. You can defend your position without resorting to name-calling. Don’t stoop to their level.

I love him for that.

So who is today’s yin-yang to egg me on? Fuck him. Really. Hope he doesn’t tell his kids he’s ashamed of them. (Another damn Repug … er, yeah, fuck it. Repug.)

Anyway, job. Yay job. I still have some freelance on the side. I stay up late, wake up super-early, do the long-ass commute both ways and actually achieve some tasks while I’m out there. I rule!

I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this schedule, though. I guess some people come home and spend time with their kids or whatever. I spend it trying to make up for the jobs that are apparently never going to pay me.

I’ve lost a lot of friends in the past few weeks. More like, they lost ME. None of them will ever get it. It’s not the insults or the money or the lack thereof. It’s the lies. That’s why I’ve deleted some other folks from my circle, not for reasons THEY seem to believe. Of course, not that I feel like explaining that, either. …

And that’s why I have no patience for anyone or anything. If you’re gonna waste my time, just leave. Here, I’ll show you the door. Wait, let me get my shitkickers on first…

If bad things happen in threes, consider the first job I got when I moved to Florida, then the second one, and then the last year spent freelancing. Ergo, my next employment endeavor should be paradise, yes?

I just got the plane ticket cancellation notification for the faraway prince. He’s none too happy. And I don’t blame him.

There was this new freelance gig that surfaced when I was at the nadir of my interviewing spree. And I told him upfront that I was on the job warpath. I also purposely dropped off the earth for long periods of time between e-mails — I didn’t want to say yes to him when I really wanted to say yes to anybody else.

And now he’s furious with me. Which was a bad bridge to burn. Not to mention the guy who put us in touch — I don’t ever want to disappoint him. Which I have. And that bothers me.

I hate that I go from feeling like I can conquer the world to feeling like I can’t make a decision to save my life. I don’t regret, per se, blowing off Freelance Guy. (I didn’t have a good feeling about working with him, and after having friends screw me over in Freelance Land, I don’t have a lot of faith that a perfect stranger would treat me any better.) But I feel like I could have handled it better.

The problem is that my field is so small, and my reputation is my everything, that I don’t want people out there thinking I suck.

I’ve spent the weekend with lots of friends, being stuffed full of good food and pumped up with stories of what makes me awesome to them (and what would make me awesome to the prince I’m about to wed tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.). And yet I still manage to reduce myself to the failure pile over someone I didn’t even feel the need to impress in the first place.

I need to snap out of this funk, and fast. Because life really isn’t all that bad. I was in line behind a guy at CVS who was trying (for like 10 minutes) to buy photos. The cashier was telling him that he only had $9 left in his account and the cost was $12.

I whispered to him that I wanted to pay for it, and he ran out of the store. Again, I don’t know if I did the right thing or, if I did, whether it was in the right way. But I realized that even though I’m “broke,” I’m ridiculously lucky to have more than $9 in my account.

I wish I didn’t feel so icky. I’ve made a lot of choices, good and bad, with the best information available at the time. I try to take into account my larger goals when dealing with the minutiae of the day. I guess I’ve just had so many questionable outcomes that I will never stop, well, questioning how I arrived at them.

But right now should be a time of hope. Tomorrow I’ll figure out whether I made the right move or not. Today I should be sitting on top of the world that nothing but possibilities lay before me.

Everything I’ve done (or haven’t done) has gotten me here. And what I do next remains to be seen. I just hope I can get over the heartache, doubt and exhaustion enough to do it well. …