Caterwauling

This is it … my last day of working from home.

I’m wrapping things up as best I can, and worrying about some barely started (or unstarted) projects that I haven’t yet gotten to.

I’ll know my schedule better once I put in a week or two at my new homestead. I’m kind of torn between “I need to focus every available resource on learning the new gig” and “I need a side income in case these people go as nuts as the last ones.”

I wrote my Dear John letter to the faraway prince. It hurt my heart to the point that I wondered exactly why, again, am I turning him down?

But I got a nice note from a future (and, also, past) colleague — the same person, actually — welcoming me and reminding me that we’ve got great work to do. And in that, I became OK enough to let the other prince go.

God has a funny way of putting you in the same exact situations, time and again, till you get it right. Back around this time in 2004, I was applying at a very similar company, with a competing offer from a prince I didn’t like all that much. I was rooting for the job I got. And I stayed there for five years. I’m hoping the same situation unfolds here.

But it’s got to be different this time. I mean, it’s the same hour-long commute each way, just in a different state. And I need to learn a lot and prove myself again. Which I am totally OK with. But when we joked at the old job that “we don’t know where we live,” well, that ain’t a joke. We really spent all our waking (and many sleeping) hours at the office — none of us should have been wasting our money on rent for homes we never saw.

My life is different not only since my mom came to live with me, but since I finally started to reconnect with her these past few months. I want to spend time with her. I don’t know how long we have together. I’m not happy to escape like I used to be.

Running away from my life made me a top-notch employee back then; I’m hoping that being a well-rounded employee, with interests outside of work and downtime to stimulate creativity, will make me a good asset this time around.

I think one worry I need to shake is that I don’t have any “extraordinary” left in me. Because I do. My freelance employers (the ones I haven’t grown to hate) are sad to see me go and hopeful that when their budgets expand, they can bring me back. That has to say something, right?

My new life begins Monday. Not just a job — but everything. I’m tossing out the cigarettes and I won’t be taking sugary snacky goodness to my new domain. I’ll be using the stairs and parking far away so that I can get some exercise. I’ll be listening to my self-help CDs along the drive and reconnecting with my inner goddess.

And I’m going to remind this world who, exactly, I was on the path to being before this unprompted-but-certainly-extended break for station identification.

Just you wait…

Beachside Wedding Cake Tasting

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

There are things I just assumed were never meant for me, with a wedding being one. I don’t know whether I just assumed I didn’t have time for all that love business or that I’m just not bride material, but it never crossed my mind that I’d love (and want) the experience.

Says she who spent four years planning black-tie cotillions and can throw a fabulous party on any kind of budget.

I guess I figured I’d always be a working girl. I’d always have a kickass job, always be leading companies and hopping on airplanes to secure unprecedented partnership deals. I never thought I’d be stuck in the house for a year (of my own choosing, I know) and missing out on opportunities.

I think I’ve become one of those girls who wouldn’t mind being a, well, not a housewife. But the lady of the house.

And what bugs me about the last year is that I didn’t have any leisure time. I rarely went to the beach. I saw friends intermittently and caught a few movies and festivals. But I might as well have been a cubicle slave, for as little as I got to go enjoy the day somewhere else.

I say all of this to share this: I’m getting “married”!

Yes, the prince on bended knee finally put a ring on it. Our happily ever after begins Monday.

FUCK. YEAH.

You just never know if anything is the right decision. But I’m happy with the way things have turned out. And sure, I worry that they will turn out like the last time. But that’s a chance I have to take.

And in all of this, maybe it was attending a lovely wedding but maybe it’s being 37 too, I’d like to open myself up to the possibilities on that front. Work isn’t everything. I’ve been divorced from it for almost a year, and frankly I’d like to just date it for a while.

It will be good to get out of the house and have a reason to, if not exercise, then at least NOT consume fudge-covered peanut butter Oreos like the world is ending.

I mean, I’ll never be at my ideal weight. No one will ever look at me and say, “Mangia!” Unless they’re Italian of course, because everybody’s too skinny to them. 😉 (And I took Mom out to a celebratory Italian dinner last night — mmmmm, puttanesca.) But I felt like I needed a reason to take care of myself again, and if it’s having a job, then so be it.

Till then, I’m buried in freelance work, and my freelance employers want to keep me on in some way, which is nice. I like money. 🙂 But eventually I’d like to replace all the work with someone who can distract me from it. Let’s get us a REAL prince next time around!

Sloppy fries at Sloppy Joe’s

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Thanks to a great deal of thinking and some expert advice from someone whose opinion I respect tremendously, I picked my prince.

Now to wait for the ring — er, in this case, letter.

This is the point that I need to be telling people that their princess is off the market. But I’m funny about that. What if things all go ka-plooey and, come that magical start date, I find that I need those gigs I’m giving up?

I’ve pretty much told everyone who needs to know except one. I will have to do that this morning.

I’ve also been working hard this week, minus just giving up early Monday afternoon and zoning out in front of the TV. I was kind of hoping for an easy couple of days. It’s not bad, mind you — just not exactly a vacation. I’ve been at this stupid computer all day, every day, for a year now. I’m just annoyed that I have nothing much to show for my time “off.”

On these same blog pages a year ago, I was ranting that freelance was the only way to go. Boy did I get my comeuppance. *points and laughs*

For the most part, freelancing has gone fine. Really, it’s the “where the fuck is my check?” shit that’s made this impossible. I can count exactly two people who paid on time, every time. (My favorite ex-boss, and my favorite ex-company.)

Other than that, I learned the hard way that money and friends don’t mix. Nobody ultimately gives a shit if you’re out on the streets … even if you earned every penny and more that you were promised but haven’t received … even if their unfulfilled promises are what got you to this absolute breaking point.

It’s also slightly amazing how people will let others treat you, too. Barking you around on a Saturday. Threatening you with “repercussions” when they already haven’t paid you — what, are they gonna kick you in this shin, too? Questioning your hours worked. Lying the ultimate lie: “The check is in the mail.” Lord.

THIS is why I’ve agonized so hard about moving on — I question my decision-making ability, after two failed full-time jobs and a baker’s dozen of hit-or-miss freelance experiences. What if the next full-time gig is another in a seemingly endless series of bad choices?

I take comfort in what The Daily OM said in yesterday’s e-letter:

“It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. …

“It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems—the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present.

Everything will be all right, one way or another. Or I’ll find a way to make it so. I always do.

Kadie loves clean sheets

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Sometimes life goes by too quickly; other times it can’t go quickly enough.

Still waiting for resolution on the princes. The faraway prince basically said he knows what ring he’d buy and he’s prepared to do a whirlwind wedding upon an enchanted meeting. The nearby prince didn’t call yesterday. I’m losing my mind in the meantime.

I explained the situation to my faraway prince. That I want to make the right choice. But that certain freelance decisions I’ve made have taken away the luxury for me to make a well-thought-out choice now.

I was so certain I wanted the nearby prince. But then when I woke up this morning, I thought, hmm, I really like that faraway one.

Here’s my dilemma. I could see myself becoming fast and easy friends with everyone in his kingdom. And that is something that’s very important to me.

But … let me tell you a little something about working with/for friends. DON’T DO IT. I think certain friends of mine are counting on me always being nice, never putting up a fuss, always acquiescing when it comes time to fighting for what’s owed to me.

Speaking of which, I could tell you the story about when I got an e-mail that sent me straight over the edge. (I remember it like it was yesterday. Probably because it was.)

But the moral to the story is this: Suddenly, the nearby prince became more attractive in that nobody knows thing one about me. I can reinvent myself here.

Not that I’d give up being patient or understanding or even nice. I’m not changing my character at age 37 here. But I have the chance to remove the “sucker” tattoo from my forehead and start anew.

I want the faraway prince. But I think I need the nearby one.

Head or heart — who wins?

I often curse the day I left D.C. I KNEW Florida was going to be a disaster. I mean, I hoped otherwise. But in my gut, I didn’t have a good feeling. Yet I embarked on the journey anyway.

And as I was telling one of my bestest friends in the world yesterday, I needed to come here to meet my new best friends. I wouldn’t have known them if I hadn’t taken the chance on something entirely new.

And maybe I am thinking out this decision as much as it needs to be, and I simply just don’t have an answer. Either one is a leap of faith. It comes down to which one gets me out of the house (I already bought some new dresses — these people dress up, yo) and which one gets me working with friends who pay.

I figured yesterday would bring resolution. Maybe today it will. I need to pull it together in the meantime; but I’ve had enough uncertainty and I want to just know what’s next. There’s plenty of time to regret whatever the decision is later. 😉