Caterwauling

Brownie and me

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Let me preface this entry by saying that I haven’t seen my favorite guy in a week, and I’ve managed to question everything. Because, that’s what I do. And to say I’m frustrated is a bit of an understatement at this point, not with him but with my inability to just BE already.

So right now, I am dog-sitting this lovable pup. She barks a lot, although not as much as most dogs, and she drives the cat crazy. Which drives my mom crazy. And when Princess is crazy, I’M crazy.

I got invitations for New Year’s Eve and Day, which was awesome. (Not from the guy … you see why I’ve gone all paranoid, yes?) But I always have to build in time for Princess, so I will probably say no to something.

Of course, I got the guilt trip that “We need to go out Friday night because you have plans the rest of the weekend, and I don’t get out of the house unless you take me, and you’re always busy and you don’t ever have any time to look at me, and if I lose out on Friday I will be stuck in the house for a whole ‘nother week WITHOUT ANY FOOD.”

Hand to God on everything I ever say that comes out of her mouth!

So I thought my friend was picking up the dog today. But we’ll have another day together as far as I know. Which drives my mom crazier still, how WE DON’T PLAN SHIT.

You know what … friends help each other. This friend is off having a wonderful adventure. And I know she would be the very first one to come look in on my mom when I get a hot date who whisks me out of town.

So, the problem is WHAT exactly here?

I know mom is sick, and some days are worse than others. Today is a “worse” day. I don’t begrudge her being sick. What I do begrudge is coming home to this barrel of sunshine who’s resentful toward me because of ALL I PUT HER THROUGH.

You know, the dog (or any pet I’ve ever brought in here because I happen to like having the extra critters in the house) DIDN’T MOVE IN HERE FIVE YEARS AGO AND STAY RENT-FUCKING-FREE EVER SINCE.

Just sayin’.

So, I love my apartment and we know I have to give it up soon. It kills me … five years ago I had the cutest apartment in Maryland that I had JUST MOVED INTO. Then I inherited mom and had to take a way-less-cute place so I could accommodate her.

And it feels like history repeating, you know? To keep affording this home life that brings me so little joy anymore, I have to give up my private beach and my Intracoastal Waterway DIRECTLY UNDER MY BALCONY so I can support us better.

It’s necessary, but it’s heartbreaking all over again. I know a couple of guys who have downgraded to cheaper places recently so they can save up for retirement, for an engagement ring, for a life with someone special.

Now THAT’S a reason to move. Not … this.

But I need to find my grace and suck it up. Even though I know she’s going to BITCH AND MOAN the whole time that I am inconveniencing her and taking her out of her comfort zone.

Speaking of where I came from, I’m feeling hella homesick lately. For Virginia, mostly, and the people I knew there. Mostly for the life I should have built while I was there … before the workaholism set in and I destroyed through neglect every friendship, relationship and anything that could have been a potential SOMETHING.

I had lunch with a gal at work yesterday. She’s a couple of years older than me and was asking my experience with dating sites. I said I always get lots of replies but I never write back to them. Usually they figure they won’t get a response so they don’t bother being clever, and I don’t care to talk to someone who doesn’t take the time to BE clever.

And besides, after the rejection I’ve faced over coming with my own personalized baggage named Mom — or, hell, maybe I was the one who pushed them away first — I don’t really put myself out there anymore. And I haven’t in a very long time.

Which is why it’s easy to be coy and cautious with the new guy. I FORGET HOW TO DO THIS, PEOPLE!!!

She said, well, don’t you want the happily ever after? I said I would be happy with some good dates that lead to a functional relationship. I can’t even think about the kids and the ring and the what-the-fuck-ever that she was alluding to.

It’s sad how many dates and dreams and outings and such that I’ve felt compelled to give up. Not that I was ever really swimming with them in the first place.

And not that she’d WANT me to give up a chance for love and happiness — she’s not like that at all. But … the fact that she “reserves” me — which I HATE — pretty much reminds me that I will pay for it one way or another if I dare to do something else. And don’t even THINK I do anything by myself. That, she just finds insulting.

God, I hate myself for complaining so much. My date Sam Adams is loosening up my tongue (er, typing fingers) a little more than I anticipated. 😉

Oh well, I keep praying for success at work. And when my friend re-enters the picture (and he will. I am NOT letting go of the one thing that has made me so happy these last three weeks), I have a lot to look forward to.

And somehow, it will make everything else OK, like nothing else has or ever could. …

My balcony *aaahhhh*

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ever burn the candle at both ends and end up with your ass on fire? That’s about the status quo here these days. Goddess is burned out.

It’s been a mostly quiet week. I got the notice that the market rent on this dump is going up into the two grand area. *hahahahahaaa* So, it’s time to move somewhere I’ll love less but that I can afford.

The person I abhor second-most in this world tried to contact me yesterday. Until there is a check (for two grand-ish — hey, I know .. that’s RENT!) and a BIG FAT APOLOGY coming my way, that person can lose my number. Or at least be standing in the street when the Karma bus loses its brakes.

I told my mom the other day that I want to be a DINK — Double Income, No Kids. She said, “Well, you have two jobs — you got your wish!” Grrrrrr. How about me not being the only asshole who works and drives and works and drives and volunteers and is BURNED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT?

I cannot sustain this pace. And by saying that, it almost sounds like I’m actually keeping up.

Not so much.

I’m doggie-sitting right now and playing referee between her and my very annoyed cat. But at least that’s fun, you know? My eyes aren’t burned-out sunken holes in my skull from staring at a computer, trying to make sense of stuff that takes forever to make sense to me.

I often wonder why I stay in my field when I find it so boring, most days. It’s the people, I guess. It always has been.

Oh, hey, the dog is eating the cat’s food. And another day begins…

Christmas services 2011

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

What a wonderful Christmas Eve. Unexpectedly, I got to spend it with a dear friend. That’s what Christmas is all about, yo.

I’ll spare you all the subsequent exchanges with the Houseguest since coming home, because I have a Christmas story that is far more important to share.

So, I was out picking up a couple of little items for said houseguest. And waiting in line, because it is Christmas Eve and all.

The woman behind me saw the three tiny items in my hand and asked if I were finishing up my shopping. “I never started,” I said.

She had two beautiful little candle holders in her hand. I inquired whether she were finishing up her shopping. She said she was, and added that I’m smart to not do gifts — it’s too easy to go overboard.

But, she wanted to know, “Did you buy something for yourself? Because you simply must do something special for you.”

I said that, well, I’ve only just started a new job, so it’s a low-key holiday. I said I was freelancing, and it was OK but it wasn’t always easy making ends meet. Besides, I really don’t need anything right now — I made it through the year and that’s a blessing, in and of itself.

She asked about the new job, whether it’s in my field and how I got it. I said yes, it’s in my field, and it’s the damndest thing — they found ME, not the other way around.

She remarked about one of the items in my hand, and I said it was for my mom. I lightly explained the whole “lives with me” thing. (And spared her the rest.) Her eyes filled with tears and she said she lost her mom last week. She was 90, and lived a great life. But still…

I said I understand. And I was compelled to reach out and hug her. She gladly took the hug and squeezed back tightly.

We kept talking; she wanted to know about my mom. I said she’s 54, poor health, dependent … that sort of thing. She said she’s only a couple years older and that’s just crazy. Does she sit in the house or does she get out? I said yes to the former; she needs me for everything.

And she said mom needs to do some volunteer work — she needs a social outlet other than me and she’s sure I need my space.

God bless this woman. But wait, there’s more.

I got to the cashier, and she said she was going to pay for my items. I said that was lovely to offer, but I was good. She said, no, she really wanted to give me a little Christmas lift.

The candleholders, she finally told me, were for her mom’s house. (They were absolutely beautiful, by the way.) She said the house still smells like her mom and she’s going to burn some candles to try to temper it a bit. It’s too hard to walk in there every day and feel like her mom is still there because her scent is everywhere.

I had found out her name is Pat. When we got outside, she asked my name. And I thanked her for being my angel this Christmas. We wished each other Merry Christmas, and she said to buy myself something special when I can. And that was that.

Wherever you are, Pat, I wish you love and strength and light. I needed to run into you when I did — I truly am at my wits’ end with my own mother. You let me see that it’s that easy to lose her, but that it’s also perfectly normal to be cranky about the whole situation, too.

God put you in my path today. And I’m grateful to Him that magic seems to follow me wherever I go. Thanks to you both for this brief exchange that will stay in my heart for a lifetime.

Cigarette palm trees

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

You see lots of trees like this on my street. They remind me of cigarettes, with the green glowing tips at the top. And it reminds me of the cigarettes I keep in my armrest, and I have just enough time to smoke one of them before I pull into my parking lot.

So, every day this week was better than the last. And every night, worse than the one before.

I had some really good interactions with my boss this week, both on the professional and on the informal levels. He’s awesome in so very many ways. And I feel like I’m not performing at my usual level (I realize I’ve only worked there SIX WEEKS), but he’s somebody I want to be in my social circle. Maybe not now, but definitely down the road as I start to figure out what the fuck I’m doing and make him look good and, therefore, trust me.

There’s someone else I’ve been hoping to impress, and we all have read about him in the last few blog entries here. And I think my master plan is working. *muahahaaa*

Actually, I’m relying a lot on faith with this one. Just, asking God to put me in the right place at the right time, to give me the right words to say (and gag me before I start to stick a lovely high heel in my mouth).

Let me tell you, God IS listening. And answering. I could not have asked for a better week on that front.

Anyway, I’m pretty certain this is what the “falling in” feels like. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before. In fact, I can say with certainty that I am in WAY unfamiliar territory. Ergo, God’s direction here? Is more priceless than usual.

I can look in his eyes and see that this is going somewhere. And I don’t care how long it takes to unfold … this is going to be worth waiting my whole lifetime (so far) for.

The way I figure, I love having a good story to tell. I’m pretty sure I will with this one. 🙂 I already have a few that I’m keeping to myself!

Now, I go from awesomeness and fabulosity and dreamlike wonder during the time I’m not at home … to gloom, despair, and agony on me. (Hee-Haw.)

I thank God for at least there being a balance, as it used to be just round-the-clock misery between bad jobs, no good men in my life and the Houseguest (yep, I’m back to that today) being such a pain in my ample ass. Balance is good. We can work with balance.

I invited my lovely Greek goddess to spend Christmas with me, and I’m looking SO forward to it. And we were all set to just figure out what to cook, oh, today. But Houseguest has been yelling at me for two weeks because there is no menu, no plan, no ANYTHING SHE CAN CONTROL WITH HER OVERBEARING OCD.

I thought I was doing her a favor, telling her NOT TO WORRY — WE GOT THIS. But my nerves are absolutely shot and she’s holding the smoking gun.

My fellow goddess and I are confounded. We figured maybe we’d just roll through the store today, see what’s left and whip up some magic. Why stress about CHRISTMAS of all days, yes? All we need are smokes, a few bottles of wine and a whole smorgasbord of cheeses … as long as we have good company, everything else is secondary.

But after a wonderful day (whereupon I got a Christmas present! From him! Do you know how long it’s been since ANYONE has given me a Christmas present? And one I like! That showed me he was thinking about me! That he’s listening to me!), I came home to the black cloud of “You’re mean! You don’t include me in anything! You don’t do anything around here! I do EVERYTHING AROUND HERE and you’re no help!”

She is lucky to be alive after that. If I weren’t floating on a WAY higher cloud, you’d be sending my Christmas card to JAIL.

In order to preserve my own peace of mind, I cried uncle. If she wanted to know what we were eating for Christmas (the source of the whole fight), she could cook it her damn self. After all, it’s ALL MY FAULT that she didn’t know what we were eating. (To feed three fucking people. And I already had a fucking Honeybaked Ham in the fridge so that we’d have protein.) ZOMG.

So finally I wasted my whole night yesterday taking her to a whole bunch of places to shop for food. Fine, I said. Buy what you want. I can’t fucking take this anymore.

Of course, now the response is, “YOU WAITED TILL TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS TO TAKE ME SHOPPING AND NOW YOU’RE MAKING ME WHIP UP A 10-COURSE MEAL? YOU’RE MEAN!!!”

Aaaaand … we’re back there again.

Look, I like this guy. He likes that I’m fun and positive and upbeat and, according to him, that I’m nice. Fuck. If he only knew how “mean” I am.

On my taxes this year, I’m not even claiming her as a dependent. I’m claiming her as a co-dependent. Because once again, I let her have her way to keep the peace. I should have stood my ground and said we goddesses have this. (Which I’ve said for two weeks.) I mean, since I don’t do anything around this place, wasn’t that a step in the right direction? *simmer*

Oh well. I’m going to keep thanking God for bringing me the joy I find outside of here. He makes me happy. He really does. (I mean the guy, but God is pretty awesome too.) I can’t wait to see where this goes. I am both excited and yet patient; I want this to go right. I have NEVER felt like that before — there’s no rush at all. We got this, yo.

My eyes are on next Christmas, and my feeling is that it will be pretty amazing. If this is the “falling in” part, then I imagine I won’t want to be anywhere else once I’m fully there. …

Christmas at DCA

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

When I took the new job, I was a finalist for another job up near the Canadian border. Yeah … like I was gonna move THERE just in time for winter!

The job sounded lovely though, and I figured whomever got it would be happy there.

So I wrote to some old friends at stupid o’clock this morning because, hey, I was up and thinking about them. One wrote back to me to announce that he’s moving to the middle of the Arctic tundra TO TAKE THAT JOB.

Hah. He’s way more experienced/qualified than me. It might even be a step back for him, although this does show me that it probably pays exceptionally well. Damn it. 😉

Anyway, I used to work with this guy, and I love him to absolute death. He said in his note to me that I’m one of the rare ones that you come across in life … that I’ve always been true to myself and to the people I’ve worked with/befriended.

That warmed my heart. And we’ll probably be able to work together, as we are in similar capacities in the same (oh-so-small) field.

One of his statements is my quote of the day, which is, “You know, you never really leave this racket; you just get new business cards.”

A-freakin’ men.

It’s been a very busy and challenging week at the new job. But I am really feeling like I won Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday. My boss is awesome. My colleagues rock. And there’s a guy who makes it worthwhile to dress up every day, just in case we run into each other. 😉

I’ve been pretty blessed — to say the least. I’ve traveled these roads with some awesome folks. And I’ve picked up one or two more on the new path whom I hope will be with me for the rest of the journey.

Now all I have to do is answer some e-mails from some of my beloveds from throughout the years, and I’d say I’m in the absolute perfect place right now.

My prayers are full of gratitude these days. As they always should have been, I suppose. But I recognize now more than ever that I have a LOT of props to send God’s way. I may not have everything I want, but He’s got my back and is good for the rest. I know that now.

Palm trees and evergreen

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

My mom says a lot of weird things lately. She seems to get confused sometimes, and the words don’t always come easily to her anymore.

Not sure what’s going on in her noggin sometimes, but every once in a while, she says something so brilliant, even I have to take pause.

I was telling her about some of the recent developments in my life. And how there’s something that I think I really want but I have NO IDEA how to make it happen.

It baffles even me how little I know about relating to people, considering my age and where I’ve been in life. I mean, my work has revolved around motivating important people (mostly men) to bend to my will. And from what my boys say, I’ve been rather successful at it!

And yet, for all my (past) career success, I haven’t been able to translate it into interpersonal relationships. i’m not even talking about relationships per se … I mean, I don’t know how to act other than to be myself. She’s not always “on,” unfortunately.

Of course, I’m kind of “off” in work mode of late. So I’m kind of hoping the brilliance I once exhibited in that realm may seep over into the other part of the hourglass and help a sister out.

I was kind of lamenting the fact that, if I know what I want, why can’t I just go after it already? (I wish I would do that at work — I just don’t know what I want there yet. But wild horses couldn’t drag me away from it once I identify it!)

I guess what I’m saying is that life is short, and all we have is right now. Why not go out, guns blazing, and move things along?

She reminded me that I’ve recently encountered another gal who does just that. And it turns ME off, and I’m not even the object of her affections. (Whom, I’m a cross between amused and sad to say, we share.)

The competitor in me wants to be noticed … or, at least, not forgotten. Not that I *think* that’s a problem, but one can never be too sure, eh?

Alas, my momma reminded me that “right” takes time. Let other people be pushy. I don’t have to do much beyond being a calm, cool, classy Goddess.

*deep, zen-like breaths* I am Kate Middleton. I will have my king someday. *deep exhale*

I’m not saying I haven’t been a little pushy. I fell straight into that, “Let’s get this show on the road already, shall we?” mentality.

Besides, if you put things on ice for too long, will the heat cool off?

I think I just felt God tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me that rewards come when He’s ready, not just because I say it’s time.

This is teaching me so much. Because, when the train leaves the station (and it will, I feel it), I’m still going to have to slow my roll on other things.

Milestones take time to happen. And if they don’t, well then they weren’t mean to be, right?

I dunno. I’ve just been feeling so different these days. To the point that I am picking up men like my ponytail is made of static electricity. My Triple A guy asked me to dinner, and I met a guy on the beach who lives in New York and flies home to Amsterdam every Christmas.

And I tell myself, hey, have some fun. You’re allowed. The universe wants you to be distracted right now. LET THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR OWN TIME. Quit forcing it.

Of course, what he doesn’t know is that if I don’t stay on top of something, it fades away. Not that I think he will hop off my mind anytime soon. But for as impulsive as I can be, I’m a planner. If I don’t put something in my iCal, it’s going to drop right the fuck out of my mind until a month after the fact.

Just one of many things I hope he’ll discover about me someday. 🙂

Man, this guy got inside my head. I told him so. (Bad move?) He thought about it and asked what he’d said. (I think he was more than OK with it — then again, there I go being ballsy again.) I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to. It’s mine right now.

And it’s the stupidest fucking thing, too. He was getting out of my car and into his. I drove away and noticed that he had locked the door for me. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT. I take my friends out all the time and it usually takes a couple of rides to realize the door won’t lock itself. He figured it out ON THE FIRST TRY.

There are a million stories I can tell that can demonstrate the strength of his character. And like I said, that may be the stupidest fucking thing on earth. But to me, it said here’s someone who thinks of everything. Someone I can trust. Someone who will add to my life and not, like so many others, take away from it.

I got to thinking about ghosts. You know, the ones that stay with us even though we don’t remember inviting them. I like to think most of mine are buried. (Except those bitches at the Evil Empire — they haunt me still.)

And I realized that we give permission to things to haunt us, whether we realize it or not. I think that’s why I get *thisclose* to success in business and never actually succeed.

I think that’s why I have lackluster relationships — I remember watching my mother fuck up her life and go from asshole to asshole and telling myself, “That’s not for you.”

Perhaps I should have told the universe that I didn’t want BAD relationships, instead of NO THANKS, KEEP THE BOYS AWAY SO I CAN FOCUS ON MY CAREER.

All right, Universe. Sorry about that. Can we start over and let me say that I want it ALL — great job, great relationships and great success?

It’s so hard to go from not dreaming at all, to wanting to dream big … and having to rein yourself in along the way.

I’ll trust that God will let what’s supposed to happen, happen. Now, I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t do something here and there to try to help Fate along. 😉 But I’ll take this chance to do some much-needed work on myself till such day that I’m free to BE that new-and-improved version of me.

OK, so I have a dead vehicle in my parking lot, as Mom hasn’t driven her car in months and the fucker won’t start.

And so OK, I left work today late and MY car wouldn’t start.

I called AAA and had to explain seven ways to Sunday that I work IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE and no, I don’t have any landmarks to tell you where to find me.

But then I got a call from the tow truck guy and he DID in fact know where to find me. But … he was an hour away.

Thank God I keep an emergency pack of cigarettes in the armrest — I went through half of it while I talked to my Greek goddess friend and waited.

I had joked with the tow truck guy that I wished there were a Starbucks I could go hide in. So when he came to my rescue, he brought coffee.

I think I’m in love!

Wow was he cute. So friggin’ cute. And he brought his little boy along, as it was quitting time for him when my call came through. I loved that kid.

Anyway, the guy gave me his number. It was subtle and all — he put it on the business card of a local garage he recommends.

Oh yeah, the starter is blown. It probably won’t start in the morning and if it does, I’ll probably need to call AAA AGAIN after work tomorrow.

I texted one of my colleagues who lives in my area. And I will have to hoof it two miles to Starbucks to meet him to get a ride with him. I’m hoping my car starts. *crosses fingers*

So anyway, I took advantage of my guy’s phone number. I texted to thank him and his son for rescuing me and getting me home.

He texted back right away that I’m sweet and I can call him anytime.

I think I might!

I dunno … I have been feeling all giddy and stupid because of another wonderful man who has found his way into my life, my head and, I’m thinking, my heart. But he may want to accelerate his game just a little. 🙂

Thank you, God. This has been the absolute best seven days of my life!

Too much inside my head. Too much on my plate. Too many emotions in my heart.

Well, I gotta say this. God really does deliver three times what was taken from you. In my case, all at once!

I used to rue this particular day because of a birthday I once associated with it. This year, I actually found someone who agitates me more. So the day is just another one on the calendar again.

Speaking of what comes around, I sent Karma a big fat Christmas list. That’s because yesterday, I got forwarded an e-mail via a dear friend from a no-longer-dear friend, who was pimping out work I’d done THAT I HAVE STILL NOT BEEN PAID FOR.

My dear friend had sent to me to say hey, do you understand this subject matter? Because we will pay you to work with this stuff.

I replied back, oh yeah, I WROTE THAT SHIT. And I realized how SAD it is that the only way I will get paid for it is to repurpose it for someone else.

*cue Ben Folds’ “Song for the Dumped,” particularly the “Give me my money back, I want my money back, give me my money back, you bitch!” line*

Yes, somebunny’s trying to capitalize on what has, in effect, become my volunteer work. Not that I expect to see a penny from it. But damn, some people have some nerve, eh?

Let’s chalk it up to charity work. Because that business? Is going to FAIL. I am in a position to help right now and there is NO WAY IN HELL I will do anything that will put money in that pocket EVER AGAIN.

Another body in the “dead to me” pile.

If I didn’t have such a good day yesterday before I saw that, I’m sure I would have launched a big passive-aggressive campaign that I’m sure she would have countered in 10 different ways. And to not have to hear another story, excuse or half-assed “explanation,” I’m writing off that last $2,200. That’s my charity donation for a cause that isn’t going to last. Merry Christmas.

“And don’t forget, to give me back my black T-shirt…”

Winter in Florida, sort of

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

One year ago this weekend, I was up north in my old homeland at the “Prom.” Like its high-school counterpart, it signified a series of endings to come — a job, the move of my best friend/partner in crime to northern climes, a relationship and, in effect, life as I’d known it.

Ah, to be 18 again … at 36!

Normally I’m a huge fan of change, but even that was a bit much for me. Even if, to be perfectly honest, I was more than ready to move on from most — if not all — of it.

Fast-forward to this weekend, where I found myself at a lovely holiday party, in the state I’ve come to love, on the cusp of nothing but beginnings. New job, new friends, unexpected (but very welcome) reconnections with many old friends and, well, let’s just say hope. Cautious hope, but hope nonetheless.

The 18-year-old me would look at 37-year-old me, though, and bop her over the head with a blunt object. What’s with the caution, she would ask. How can you doubt yourself at a time like this? Blaze your trail, sister — ain’t nobody going to do it for you.

Sometimes I wish I could hang out with that version of myself. I wonder what she’d say about how I couldn’t come up with a million-dollar idea even if someone fronted me the money … how nervous I am that the new (so far wonderful) job will put me out on my ass like the last one did (and I even know that the decision wasn’t exactly performance-related) … how afraid I am to blog anymore because everybody to whom I owe work will ask why I’m not working on their stuff instead … how terrified I am of not having multiple income streams because I JUST DON’T KNOW if it’s going to work out with the primary gig … and, hell, let’s face it — I’m out of practice with this “matters of the heart” stuff — what am I going to do to keep that moving along in the right direction when I’m at both the highest point of my life with the lowest amount of confidence?

And what’s funny is that I’m OK carrying that load. Well, not really, but God and I have a deal that I will willingly accept the minor inconveniences and the uncertainties as long as I don’t have to deal with the “big” unspeakable things. I’ll keep being as good a person as I can be, and I won’t question Him unless it’s to ask for grace and some favor when He can spare it.

It’s the home situation that’s weighing upon me … making all the other things look so much smaller and, yet, magnifying them at the same time. It’s just another place I’ve failed, I feel. I’ve spent the last five years feeling like my grandfather must have, the way my grandmother treated him and put him down for being worthless. (He was the opposite of worthless — the man was a saint, and at least Mom and I worshipped him accordingly.)

But yeah, I’ve been a “husband” of sorts since Mom moved in — and where I’ve managed to be a provider and a problem-solver and the social director (albeit barely, this past year), her health continues to decline and I still haven’t found a way to fix it. I spent the last four years rallying against that role — she needed to advocate for herself. But she hasn’t and she won’t and, let’s face it, she just can’t.

Now I swear I need to get her a psychologist, too, on top of everything else. I mean, I had SUCH a good night last night. And I take one look at her and it’s not that I feel guilty for having fun, but that I can’t maintain that warm-fuzzy feeling for more than two seconds after walking in the door. It’s back to reality and sadness and stress. Lots of love but it’s a challenge every day for the frustration not to try to bubble to the surface.

I had thought getting the job would change all of that … that I’d be back in my old groove in no time and that I’d get some “wins” under my belt right away that would revolutionize my mindset and give me back my, “I am Goddess, hear me roar” power.

Meh. Not so much.

Right now I’m at the point of “Oh God, please don’t let them fire me” street where it intersects with “God please help me shine — I know I can shine. How can I show them how much I can shine?” avenue.

The rest will fall into place, once I get that figured out. But fear isn’t motivating me. It never really did. Deadlines do, of course. 🙂 But right now I’m working around the clock, not doing anything to change the world, certainly not sleeping enough, and ALWAYS feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, more, more.

I’m not sure what will happen with the new glimmer of hope in my life. Hopefully not “the usual,” wherein “the usual” means I find some way to sabotage it before it can go anywhere because there’s that part of me that doesn’t feel like I deserve anything good because I don’t know how to take care of it.

Eighteen-year-old me, by the way, just asked me when that feeling cropped up in my life, so she can squelch it when she sees it. Oh, to have told my 30-year-old self that life isn’t fair but it’s not worth losing your joy over it…

Today I finally deleted old flames’ photos from my iPhone library. (But not Jon Bon Jovi. He stays!) That was too long in coming. I guess I liked having proof that I’ve been loved. But I don’t want the old energy to hold me back. Goodbye, boys. I can’t meet my future when I’m carrying around the past.

Thirty-year-old me just said, “Um, yeah, hello? Might want to do that with all your old jobs, too. Trash those mental pictures and all the scars and strife that went with them. Can’t do well in your new job when your head is still stuck in what went wrong in all the prior ones.”

So anyway, I really like this guy. I want this to go right. I don’t want to look back and point to the moment where I could have done better but didn’t. I want him to meet the sparkling, charming, carefree, determined and audacious Goddess of yesteryear — I think he’d really like her. Right now I just can’t imagine him digging what’s become of her because, most days, I really don’t.

If I could just get some free time back … if I could just find time to go to the beach (although I did today — at his urging, go figure) … if I could exercise and eat right again … if I could just come home and not feel like the weight of the world is on me or that I could at least handle it … I could do so much better for everyone who’s counting on me.

Like I always tell my mom, worry brings about what you’re worrying about. And I believe in manifesting what you want. I manifested this guy. I would like to manifest a way to keep the conversation going — I like this feeling I get and would like to feel this way a lot more.

Anyway, I think this may go somewhere. I hope so, anyway. Maybe everything else will fall into place once I know what happiness feels like.

I used to be a girl who never minded waiting to see what my Christmas gift would be. Never needed any hints, never bothered shaking the box to try to figure it out. And now, I’d give anything to know what next Christmas will look like. Maybe that’s what will get me through right now.

Failure is not an option, Goddess. Not on any front. Just don’t let everything get (and keep) you down. Eighteen-year-old you is counting on you to make her dreams come true. So’s 38-year-old you, who’s counting on you to make next year’s Christmas the best one of her life.

You know that moment when a little schoolgirl crush turns into an all-consuming cyclone of “oh my God, this could actually be real”? And while you want to enjoy this moment because it will probably never be this giddy and silly and yet so intense again, you just wish you could peek at the future to see what’s coming next because you’re too excited to wait?

Yeah, that.