The highlight of today was a yummy salad I made for lunch in the employee cafeteria. I’m gonna watch me some “Charlie Brown Christmas” shortly and then start in on the second shift, and that will be that.
Mom had wanted to take a walk tonight. I just laughed. Sure, I guess I could give up Charlie Brown, but when do I ever have time to do anything on a weekday anymore?
I was kind of musing about my little half-crush that I entertain to keep myself motivated. And I thought, hah, when would THAT take place? I mean, really. Something would have to give. But … what?
I’d feel better if I felt I were achieving anything at the daytime gig. I think things will perk up after the Christmas party this weekend — it will be good to get out of my cubicle and actually interact with people. Lord, please help me turn on the charm and let me shine. Because if my fate were to be decided on achievements alone at this point, I don’t know that I’d make the cut.
Of course, I know I’ve got it good. Just scrolling through Facebook and seeing this person laid off (by the same damn company that tossed me on MY ass at this time last year), that person’s house being broken into and their Christmas decorations/presents being stolen, the first person’s wife finding out she’s pregnant when her husband is out of work, and everything else makes me VERY happy to be me right now.
I think my problem is (and has always been) feeling like I’m just not enough. I don’t want to say “not good enough,” because I am that AND smart enough. 😉 But … just not what people want/need/expect.
Frequently, I have to remind myself that God made me the way I am. I can only work with what He gave me. I can develop it or I can live with it or I can overcome it. But good, bad or indifferent, it’s mine. And I need to quit kicking the crap out of myself psychologically when I just can’t be or do or learn quickly enough the rest.
What I wouldn’t give to A) have more than five hours to sleep a night and B) to not worry for at least two of them. Perhaps my performance during the other 19 hours would be a little more spectacular or, at least, inspired.