My mom says a lot of weird things lately. She seems to get confused sometimes, and the words don’t always come easily to her anymore.
Not sure what’s going on in her noggin sometimes, but every once in a while, she says something so brilliant, even I have to take pause.
I was telling her about some of the recent developments in my life. And how there’s something that I think I really want but I have NO IDEA how to make it happen.
It baffles even me how little I know about relating to people, considering my age and where I’ve been in life. I mean, my work has revolved around motivating important people (mostly men) to bend to my will. And from what my boys say, I’ve been rather successful at it!
And yet, for all my (past) career success, I haven’t been able to translate it into interpersonal relationships. i’m not even talking about relationships per se … I mean, I don’t know how to act other than to be myself. She’s not always “on,” unfortunately.
Of course, I’m kind of “off” in work mode of late. So I’m kind of hoping the brilliance I once exhibited in that realm may seep over into the other part of the hourglass and help a sister out.
I was kind of lamenting the fact that, if I know what I want, why can’t I just go after it already? (I wish I would do that at work — I just don’t know what I want there yet. But wild horses couldn’t drag me away from it once I identify it!)
I guess what I’m saying is that life is short, and all we have is right now. Why not go out, guns blazing, and move things along?
She reminded me that I’ve recently encountered another gal who does just that. And it turns ME off, and I’m not even the object of her affections. (Whom, I’m a cross between amused and sad to say, we share.)
The competitor in me wants to be noticed … or, at least, not forgotten. Not that I *think* that’s a problem, but one can never be too sure, eh?
Alas, my momma reminded me that “right” takes time. Let other people be pushy. I don’t have to do much beyond being a calm, cool, classy Goddess.
*deep, zen-like breaths* I am Kate Middleton. I will have my king someday. *deep exhale*
I’m not saying I haven’t been a little pushy. I fell straight into that, “Let’s get this show on the road already, shall we?” mentality.
Besides, if you put things on ice for too long, will the heat cool off?
I think I just felt God tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me that rewards come when He’s ready, not just because I say it’s time.
This is teaching me so much. Because, when the train leaves the station (and it will, I feel it), I’m still going to have to slow my roll on other things.
Milestones take time to happen. And if they don’t, well then they weren’t mean to be, right?
I dunno. I’ve just been feeling so different these days. To the point that I am picking up men like my ponytail is made of static electricity. My Triple A guy asked me to dinner, and I met a guy on the beach who lives in New York and flies home to Amsterdam every Christmas.
And I tell myself, hey, have some fun. You’re allowed. The universe wants you to be distracted right now. LET THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR OWN TIME. Quit forcing it.
Of course, what he doesn’t know is that if I don’t stay on top of something, it fades away. Not that I think he will hop off my mind anytime soon. But for as impulsive as I can be, I’m a planner. If I don’t put something in my iCal, it’s going to drop right the fuck out of my mind until a month after the fact.
Just one of many things I hope he’ll discover about me someday. 🙂
Man, this guy got inside my head. I told him so. (Bad move?) He thought about it and asked what he’d said. (I think he was more than OK with it — then again, there I go being ballsy again.) I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to. It’s mine right now.
And it’s the stupidest fucking thing, too. He was getting out of my car and into his. I drove away and noticed that he had locked the door for me. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT. I take my friends out all the time and it usually takes a couple of rides to realize the door won’t lock itself. He figured it out ON THE FIRST TRY.
There are a million stories I can tell that can demonstrate the strength of his character. And like I said, that may be the stupidest fucking thing on earth. But to me, it said here’s someone who thinks of everything. Someone I can trust. Someone who will add to my life and not, like so many others, take away from it.
I got to thinking about ghosts. You know, the ones that stay with us even though we don’t remember inviting them. I like to think most of mine are buried. (Except those bitches at the Evil Empire — they haunt me still.)
And I realized that we give permission to things to haunt us, whether we realize it or not. I think that’s why I get *thisclose* to success in business and never actually succeed.
I think that’s why I have lackluster relationships — I remember watching my mother fuck up her life and go from asshole to asshole and telling myself, “That’s not for you.”
Perhaps I should have told the universe that I didn’t want BAD relationships, instead of NO THANKS, KEEP THE BOYS AWAY SO I CAN FOCUS ON MY CAREER.
All right, Universe. Sorry about that. Can we start over and let me say that I want it ALL — great job, great relationships and great success?
It’s so hard to go from not dreaming at all, to wanting to dream big … and having to rein yourself in along the way.
I’ll trust that God will let what’s supposed to happen, happen. Now, I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t do something here and there to try to help Fate along. 😉 But I’ll take this chance to do some much-needed work on myself till such day that I’m free to BE that new-and-improved version of me.