Caterwauling

I didn’t do any work last night. Went straight to bed after dinner. So this is what having EIGHT HOURS OF SLEEP feels like.

Life took an interesting turn this week on the crush front. I got asked two questions that someone would have had to have stalked me online to know to ask. Which made me happy. 😉

I figure nothing ever goes the way I want it to, but it’s fun to wish anyway.

And I’m willing to entertain the fact that life has been so stressful and all about money that maybe I allow too much daydreaming time. But I’m quite grateful to the universe for the distraction.

I just need to remember to focus on what gets me paid. And after all the anxiety and tears of the last year, I’d like to not always have to worry. But I probably always will.

I don’t just think; I obsess.

So I have a favorite dress. Never wore it before today. And now I have the (metaphorical) crap of today permeating the fabric.

Don’t you hate it when you ruin a perfectly good outfit with everything that went wrong while you were wearing it?

Well, off to make the (next batch of) donuts. In mah jammies, of course.

Cookay

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

The highlight of today was a yummy salad I made for lunch in the employee cafeteria. I’m gonna watch me some “Charlie Brown Christmas” shortly and then start in on the second shift, and that will be that.

Mom had wanted to take a walk tonight. I just laughed. Sure, I guess I could give up Charlie Brown, but when do I ever have time to do anything on a weekday anymore?

I was kind of musing about my little half-crush that I entertain to keep myself motivated. And I thought, hah, when would THAT take place? I mean, really. Something would have to give. But … what?

I’d feel better if I felt I were achieving anything at the daytime gig. I think things will perk up after the Christmas party this weekend — it will be good to get out of my cubicle and actually interact with people. Lord, please help me turn on the charm and let me shine. Because if my fate were to be decided on achievements alone at this point, I don’t know that I’d make the cut.

Of course, I know I’ve got it good. Just scrolling through Facebook and seeing this person laid off (by the same damn company that tossed me on MY ass at this time last year), that person’s house being broken into and their Christmas decorations/presents being stolen, the first person’s wife finding out she’s pregnant when her husband is out of work, and everything else makes me VERY happy to be me right now.

I think my problem is (and has always been) feeling like I’m just not enough. I don’t want to say “not good enough,” because I am that AND smart enough. 😉 But … just not what people want/need/expect.

Frequently, I have to remind myself that God made me the way I am. I can only work with what He gave me. I can develop it or I can live with it or I can overcome it. But good, bad or indifferent, it’s mine. And I need to quit kicking the crap out of myself psychologically when I just can’t be or do or learn quickly enough the rest.

What I wouldn’t give to A) have more than five hours to sleep a night and B) to not worry for at least two of them. Perhaps my performance during the other 19 hours would be a little more spectacular or, at least, inspired.

It’s beginning to look a lot like…

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

(H/T to Brad Paisley for that title. It’s like he KNOWS me or something.)

When I take 2011 out behind the woodshed and shoot the pathetic bastard, it will be after I hogtie his ass and roast him over an open flame while he begs for the mercy he didn’t do such a good job of showing me.

This was the year I got off the antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds that I started taking over two years ago. It is also the year of the highest highs and lowest lows. I’m like the fucking stock market here.

You want to know where the world indices are heading on a given day? CALL ME and find out my mood. I am my own technical indicator!

Today is all about rage. It is what I determined to be my one day off this week, and EVERYTHING I TRIED turned to shit. So much for relaxation.

I have this one job that I’ve quit now four times. I can only give it maybe two hours a week, but then they didn’t use the work I turned in this week. The hell? I lost sleep over this?!?!

I’m still pretty fucking angry at the people who owe me well over two grand that I was supposed to get on Sept. 15. Seriously, I have stopped bugging them in the last couple of weeks because I am SICK OF THE EXCUSES AND LIES. Don’t insult my (dwindling) intelligence.

It’s not that friends and money don’t mix, but FRIENDS WHO DON’T PAY THEIR FRIENDS THE MONEY THEY OWE THEM FOR SERVICES RENDERED that should be avoided at all costs. Live and learn.

I miss the place where this photo was taken. As I contemplate where to move next, I know the destination would be further away. I dunno. I guess I am craving familiarity right now. Even if what (little) is familiar is also contributing to my discontent.

Or maybe it’s that everything is deja vu. A good friend called last night as I was getting into my car, and it was wonderful to have company on the long drive home.

She pointed out the obvious, that ever since she’s known me (since the day I first set foot in Florida), I’ve been under IMMENSE stress and pressure. She said between the job(s) and the mom and the apartments and the yahoos who don’t pay and cause me financial grief, I’ve never actually had much in the way of peace of mind. That my so-called “break” between jobs was just as stressful as any workplace I’d been in up until that time.

This is why it’s good to have friends. And why I should call (or pick up the phone for) them way more often.

I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going or what what I even WANT to be doing. All I can do is trust in the fact that God is with me and even though I fail myself on every level possible, He can’t let me be a hot Southern mess forever. (Can He? …)