Caterwauling

It’s been a great weekend, minus that speeding ticket I got on Friday night. Who knew that going 85 in a 55 is frowned upon? See, my problem was that I kicked out my staff early in preparation for Hurricane Sandy. (Which mostly turned out to be a non-event.)

Word to the wise? If you want to stay safe in a hurricane, MOVE TO FLORIDA. Yes, ponder the irony.

Irony also exists in the fact that our cops and firemen were on the evening news the night before, telling us that if winds exceeded 45 mph, don’t even bother calling them. You get yourself into a jam, YOU figure it out.

So why the fuck weren’t these assclowns at home when I was trying to get my own happy ass home (to watch a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids Edition”)?

I told the cop I should have worked till 8 like I usually do — nobody pulls me over when I’m going 85 THAT late!

I deserved that ticket. But damn, it hurts to think about ALL THAT MONEY. That, and the fact that I have so many tickets from this year alone that I can’t do anything but go the speed limit for a LONG LONG TIME.

Oh well, the real point of this entry is to say that YES, it has been a great weekend. Had a lovely lovely alcoholic brunch yesterday with one of my nearest and dearest. Which was completely worth the swim we had to take across the parking lot, since we decided to drink our breakfast on the ocean.

And I had a wonderful night, too. Spent it with my favorite local boy. (*waving smelling salts for those playing along at home*) I don’t know … I think we might finally have this “friend” thing down pat.

I had such a good time. Seriously, I really really really enjoyed myself. And I was honest about a few things that have been troubling me. But now that I’ve had the chance to say them, I feel like I am finally at peace. And that we can, if we do continue being friends — which I sincerely hope we do — move forward from the same place.

I may be severely behind in my work, but on a personal level, I could not be happier with all the progress that took place in just the space of one day.

Thank you, universe. Maybe not so much for the ticket, but for giving me the glue known as friends to put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Well, the highlight of my evening was certainly NOT getting pulled over as I turned into my apartment complex, just for the cop to tell me I have a headlight out. Sigh. Everyone came out on their balconies to watch.

Good thing I’d only had two glasses of wine. (And a huge, delicious dinner to absorb it.)

Of course, I saw the cop flash his lights at me and I figured I should just go pull into my spot and start taking my leftovers and other goodies out of the car. He didn’t know what to do with me because I was organized and put all my paperwork in his hand before he even asked for it. It was great. 🙂

Anyway, hallelujah to no ticket. But I wanted to remember a line from “Looper,” which we saw last night … which wasn’t half-bad, actually. Not my cup of tea but I’d rather see stupid movies on the big screen and wait to buy good movies on DVD. (I’m looking at you, “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”)

There was a part where “future Joe” came back to the present and told his current self all about the woman he meets who basically loves him back to life. He said how this amazing person gave up everything to love his miserable, pathetic ass — he didn’t deserve it at all, but he would never have become a better man without this selfless and amazing creature.

My mind wandered for a moment there. We as women beat ourselves up constantly for everything we’re not. But we never really do stop and credit ourselves for loving with every fiber of our being. Sure, we tend to love the ones who don’t deserve it and/or can’t find it in themselves to try to return it. But if I put as much heart into my job and friendships as I did into the men I’ve loved, I could have achieved something pretty damn amazing in my day.

Needless to say, work isn’t my first love anymore. We’re in a nice “like” stage and I want to keep it that way. Since, you know, I tend to go from love to hate, and back again, in five seconds flat.

Right now I’ve got a wall around my heart. I am not sure if I’m just looking for an affair (not with anyone married. I’m not a whore, thanks. Just … looking for proximity but not necessarily closeness) or how long this phase of not wanting to give all of me again will last. But it feels good to be somewhat in control of my feelings again.

What I wouldn’t do to have a man like “old Joe” being so passionately in love with me that he’d travel back from the future to make everything right so that he could be with me again. Now THAT would be worth tearing down those walls for. …

Oh, this day. Good and bad, it’s been one for the record books so far.

I did something charitable this morning, which made me VERY happy to be able to do.

I’m also planning to take some time off in December and I’ve been doing my research for the trip, which involves coordinating with a couple of people in a couple of states. This trip is going to rock and I am booking it as soon as I hear back from one more person.

Of course, then the universe decided to take a crap in my hand. I’ll spare you the gory details but I always tend to stop and have that moment of, “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?” when it comes to trying to be a good person, since it usually results in instantly BAD karma. But whatever. As soon as I buy that plane ticket, I have something important to look forward to.

But then again, the good karma prevails. This week, the landlady magically found a package for me that looks like it was delivered A MONTH AGO. (Oh? And grrr…)

It came from Amazon and it was a movie I’d been wanting to buy for a while. And for the past few days I have been scratching my ass, trying to figure out not just when I ordered it … but IF I ordered it.

I know I’m an impulsive (some would say compulsive) person and all. But I genuinely did not recall making this purchase. Which … stumped me but I wasn’t ambitious enough to go check my debit account.

So I finally looked at the receipt today and … it was a gift. A GIFT!

I don’t recognize the name, and there is no return address. I hope it will come to me so I can send a proper thank-you. But for now, if you are a beloved blog reader, I just want to say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU for your kindness. *sniffle*

Seriously, I’m sorry it has taken three weeks for me to even obtain this special delivery, and another week to realize I wasn’t the buyer. But this random stroke of generosity arrived at just the right time. *mwah!*

God is good. Life is good. People are good. And I cherish you all for being good to ME.

Heading off to a movie shortly and looking forward to some good company even if it isn’t a movie I’d normally want to see. (I prefer chick flicks, what can I say?) And I realized that I have a free movie ticket that I got from donating blood, so even if the movie doesn’t agree with me, nobody had to pay for it.

So, I am mostly winning today, and documenting it for all those OTHER days so that I can remember that good things really do happen … and on a day like today, they happen all at once.

I got kidnapped this past weekend and taken on a grand adventure to Orlando, which was exactly what I needed, exactly WHEN I needed it.

Since my cars have been behaving, um, not well, I haven’t been jumping in the car and going on my usual odysseys. So when I got a call to jump on the Disney Express, I was going to say no (for health reasons) but I said HELL YEAH and it was the greatest weekend I’ve had in a long time.

Like a Cinderella weekend after a butt-ton of Daffy and Goofy days!

I’ve always made it a point to get to Epcot every year. For the past several years, I’ve come to Orlando every February to attend the Money Show. And even after I moved down here, I always drove up to the show to network and see my friends.

This year, of course, I was supposed to go to a concert that weekend with a boy who asked me to go back in December and whom I had to stalk up until the day BEFORE the concert to figure out our fucking plans. Which fell through.

So NOT ONLY did I miss out on seeing my friends this past February, but most of them got laid off from their jobs and WILL NOT BE COMING BACK this coming February.

So, I got double-fucked on that one. Thanks EVER so much. Which was probably why I fell over when he did finally ask me out again and actually showed up! (I admit, I was afraid to get excited about that one. I think, in these here parts, that’s called a SIGN.)

Anywhore …

SPEAKING OF THE WHORE, I saw she put a new profile pic on Facebook. Which, well, yeah. I’m keeping my opinions to myself about THAT but damn, I have a few zingers if anyone wants to sidle up next to me and let me share them without them being in writing. 😉

But my point here is, I saw her doppelganger at Epcot. Well, a pretty version of her. (Note I don’t say “prettier” because that would indicate having something to work with. Bless her heart.)

That threw me a bit. I wondered if she lights up if she smiles, like that pretty lady at the park did. I can’t imagine her smiling, hence the “if.” It’s a shame how, even though my feelings of anything other than frustration have been dead and buried for months now, I still try to figure out what the deal is there.

Right after I saw her, I had a mini-meltdown at the souk in the Morocco section of the park. Over a damn necklace.

So this lady in front of me picked up this necklace that I was trying to work my way over to see. And she walked off with it even though we were near the register. Hmm.

I couldn’t find another one exactly like it — she grabbed a blue-and-silver one, and all I could find was a pink one that wasn’t as striking. And it bummed me out that someone else took what I wanted without me having a fair chance or a first refusal.

I’m sure you can see a parallel starting to form here.

As I wandered through the rest of the souk, I saw the necklace. She had just discarded it somewhere random. I picked it up and, while it was lovely, I didn’t want it anymore.

Was it because she didn’t want it? No, it was because she’d had her grimy mitts on it and I wasn’t as enamored as I originally was now that I’d seen where it had been.

Again, PARALLELS, people.

Anyway, I got my head back together right-quick after that. After all, why waste a second on someone who wants you ONLY when they want you, when you have someone five feet away who genuinely wanted your company for a whole weekend and who wouldn’t rather be alone than be with you?

Had an unexpected bout of kindness touch me as I was driving to work.

I was running late today (as if you can call being in the car at 7:30 a.m. late) and waiting at a light when my phone rang. It was one of my current colleagues whom I’d known at my previous job.

She said she was on 95 and saw a car just like mine on the side of the road. She wondered if it were me, if I were OK and if she could give me a ride to work.

As I was at the light right before I turned onto 95 myself, obviously I was OK. But I was just so overwhelmed with love right at that moment — that someone cared so much about me to want to help, if I needed it.

It meant the world to me.

I saw her later as I was talking to one of my friends in the courtyard. I was kind of stressed out during the conversation. I saw my friend walk toward me, and I smiled at her. She smiled back and put her hand on my shoulder and kept walking.

I felt healed in some way. I really did. It dawned on me that she probably knows a lot more about me than I might believe, and that she understood me right at that moment more than anyone else in the world ever could.

When we worked together the last time around, I was convinced she didn’t like me and/or thought I was an idiot. But we had connected — I mean really connected — last Friday night, and I realized I had an ally on my side all along. We both just tend to keep a wall around ourselves in the professional environment, and we realized we think the same things and feel the same ways about things that we otherwise wouldn’t even talk about.

Anyway, it felt good to be “gotten” today. That someone out there quietly has my back. That I don’t have to stick to so-called friends when there are genuine people out there in the world who like me just fine the way I am and don’t go out of their way to drag me down to the level where they insist on living their lives.

Thank you, God. I felt Your presence today. I needed that. Bless her wonderful, wonderful heart.

It’s funny how, when I decide to be OK, I really become OK.

Health notwithstanding, of course. Damn cold is back and raging worse than it was before. It was a nice week and a half without it!

As I said on FaceyPages, I’m climbing off the cross, giving this particular burden back to God for the last time and looking forward to all the new things I’ve freed up my time to do that don’t involve worrying or fretting or being pissed off, sad, homicidal or otherwise out-of-sorts.

Speaking of getting out of my head, I was supposed to animal-sit this weekend but it turned into an invitation to go on a road trip instead. Long list of unfinished work aside, I said hell yeah. Look out, world!

My ass looks 8 pounds smaller. That’s because I’ve finally pulled my head out of it.

I really think I’m going to be OK this time.

*big smiles*

“I’m trying to put this thing to bed
I’ve drugged it in its sleep
There isn’t many memories
I’m comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It’s heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes.”

— K.T. Tunstall, “False Alarm”

I rarely move published posts back into “draft” mode. (Because, let’s face it, the posts continue to live in people’s RSS feed readers.) Nor do I ever feel bad about anything I say because if I was driven to feel it, then I was driven to write about it.

Yesterday I felt like I compromised my plausible deniability. I aim, at all times, to be able to say, “No, that wasn’t about you!” Which, let’s face it, if you need help picking someone out of a police lineup, you’re going to want to choose me because I remember and analyze every last detail. But, I don’t want anyone ELSE to pick these people out of a lineup. Because, hurt aside, I don’t want it to come back and bite them.

And by them, I mean him. She’s still not my favorite person, but him? Don’t fuck with him. 🙂

I got to thinking this morning as I drove in early to catch up on work that I abandoned before 7 last night. (And now, I shall pay for that. Right after I finish blogging!)

Anyway, I wanted to make him my everything. He presented as everything I wanted — handsome, intellectual, generous (with money if not necessarily with heart or time), well-spoken. The kind of guy you want your mom, friends and colleagues to meet because they will go “Damn! Jackpot!” And you (i.e., me) will thank God for not forgetting about you after all, as you were so certain that He had before this incredible man entered your life.

And really, my problem is with the party I’ve never met. I have done exactly what most girls do and blame the other woman. Someone who barely knows of my existence, or doesn’t have the full story, or maybe DOES have the full story because I was, in fact, a part OF said story.

My problem with her is simple. My impression/assumption is that she’s a hot mess. Compare that to the fine male specimen that finds said package attractive … so much so that he gives up my greatness for it … and you can see why I lost a few screws in my brain over it.

As always, there’s more to the story, of course. I hinted at it the other day but it’s really not my story to tell. Not now, not ever. And I shouldn’t have alluded to one or two of the details; I need to keep my plausible deniability intact … for all of us!

Anyway, the thought I had this morning was simple. She has the heart of MY Mr. Right. And I have called her every name in the book — but that’s ME being an asshole. Not her.

I really can’t fault her because, if I were in her shoes, I’d be thrilled that he picked me. I’d say, wow, this great guy loves me? How fucking lucky am I? I’m not letting this go and I’m not letting him get away.

You might wonder where “free will” plays into all of this. Well, I’ve asked God that question eleventy frillion times. Look, I can’t explain the attraction. I’ve said I would like to ask God someday to explain it to me in very small words so I can finally get it. He simply nods and says he understands that.

So have I made this into a melodrama? Probably. Well, yes. I have. But I am never, ever going to apologize for falling for someone … for being both intellectually and physically into someone was really new territory for me. Territory I’d like the chance to fully explore next time around.

I am never, ever going to understand what happens to those feelings when they’re gone. What I do know is that when he’s ready to upgrade, I hope he thinks of me. Even if he doesn’t call, I just want to know that his life changed in some way because of me.

And maybe if I can figure out how to be his friend again, and if we can actually hang in there long enough for life to happen and see whether we can keep our connection intact, someday I’ll find out.

I yanked down a post that I’d put up last night about the Little Whore on the Prairie. Which, I found highly amusing. But I realize that my acerbic wit is entertaining about things and places, but not people. Even those I don’t respect.

Not that I will ever stop having these thoughts about certain people. I just need to realize the line between articulating them for a laugh and articulating them and, in effect, “outing” somebody else’s secrets to set up my brilliant gags.

I still think she’s a bloviating fool until proven otherwise. But there’s no point in me keeping company with the riff-raff … I should ALWAYS rise above … even when I’m coming from a place of very deep hurt that tends to let my evil twin take over my tongue (or typing fingers).

In any event, I had left my dashboard open all day after I removed the post. And I accidentally just published a work article on here that was meant to go into ANOTHER WordPress site. Whoops! It would have been the most-intelligent thing you ever would have read on here.

Maybe it’s not the worst idea to not talk about my stupid feelings. Or, at the very least, this is a good reminder to me to feel free to post about my feelings and not about other people whom I love(d) and their terrible, awful, (w)horrible taste in women. 😀

Note to self: Get better at this “apologizing” thing!

I was sitting in the sun when my boy saw me and joined me.

We talked about politics and work and the economy. He told me about all the fun things going on in our county this weekend. Like he always did, really. The man was like dating the Pulse section of the Palm Beach Post. He knows everything.

Not that it benefited me much. Good luck getting him to agree to do any of what he mentioned, let alone actually keep the plans.

We talked haunted houses. Which, by the way, I would kill to go to a good one. He said, “We should go!” And the part of me that used to die inside, knowing that it would never materialize, felt nothing.

But the part of me that pretended to look through him as he said it longed for a “him” — someone who looks, talks, thinks and, for the most part, acts like him. Just, instead, a version that loves me.

The thing is, he does the best by me that he is capable of doing. I’m not saying that to excuse any of his words or behavior that has reduced me to tears and depression and chronic confusion. I’m saying that, of the emotional resources he decides to allot to me, he gives me all he has available.

At this point, I can only hold him to the standard he is willing to meet. And he could have done a lot worse by me.

It’s just that there’s so much I don’t understand and I’m tired of being the poised, classy Obama when I really want to pull a Romney (no, not turning into a sociopath) — I want to yell at him (theoretically) about his war on women and the 47% and Big Bird instead of being calm, slightly detached and on-message.

My hope is someday we CAN go to a haunted house or one of the other million events down here since, you know, it’s gorgeous every day of the year. It sucks knowing you have a friend nearby who is happy running into you and spending time with you, just as long as it’s not a pre-arranged outing.

In other news, I met a nice guy last night. An English teacher. Having mutual friends is the best. 🙂 I don’t see it going anywhere but it was so nice to spend a Friday evening with friends at a birthday party and to get a nice surprise of my own.

The world is bigger than we give it credit for, sometimes.

Thank you, God, for that.

“I find some sanity on the written page
Where life is worth more than a living wage
They say the battle’s over now it’s time to change
And I won’t ever be alone

And all I want is company
Someone to understand this misery
Send a reflection of myself to me
‘Cause everybody needs some company
I need some company
Company.”

— Melissa Etheridge, “Company”

Speaking of tragic accidents that you just can’t unsee, I got to thinking about that ugly old hag Whorothy.

Anywhore, she needs a new nickname because frankly it just insults proper whores everywhere to lump her in the same category. (How she got TWO and probably more men is beyond me.)

I decided she will henceforth be known as Home(ly) on the Range.

Would it be wrong of me to steal a photo of hers and post it here so y’all can agree with me? 😉