Caterwauling

Saw the Steve Jobs movie yesterday. My friend and I had a lot to talk about when it let out.

It was an OK film. Intriguing in places and lacking in others. I never knew about Lisa as anything other than a computer — didn’t realize it was his daughter and definitely didn’t realize what a dick he was to her mother.

My friend said he wished the film would have focused more on the Bill Gates/Steve Jobs relationship. It was only covered in one heated, one-sided phone call.

I appreciated the focus on the shareholders through a very tough board of directors that tried to shepherd the very stubborn company founder. It makes sense that they could spend a lot of time developing an ingenious product back in the day, but now it’s all about rushing it to market before your rival does. Because, well, you snooze you lose in this world.

I have the Jobs autobiography but I’m sad to say I haven’t read much of it. It took my friend explaining to me that the big drop in Apple’s share price toward the end of the movie, thanks to a “big buyer” dumping more than $1 million shares, was Steve himself preparing for his return to the company.

Anyway, that’s all fine and good but what I wanted to learn more about was developing the Apple dynamic.

I saw him recruit brilliant and hardworking people in the beginning. I saw him reward some (not all) of them for their loyalty.

I saw the boring years between the IIe’s success and the Lisa’s failure. I saw the cool new Macintosh team shaking things up and, unfortunately, letting down the bigwigs initially.

What got my heart was toward the end when the industrial-design director came up with the sketch for the first iMac … the little gumdrop that I used to own. How he felt that working at AAPL meant something. That he knew, like Woz and all the other early guys, that they were about to make some tectonic shift in an entire industry happen.

I was saying to my friend that I’m on the ground floor of something like that. But that I’ve exhausted myself so much during the “salad days” that I don’t know how much heart I have left to give everybody as we keep having to meet financial goal after financial goal. That I hope it’s the Apple of my industry’s eye but that I’m running out of steam and wondering what will become of me if A) that happens or if, B) the company runs out of steam (or cash) first.

My friend said it’s as simple as having a visionary at the helm. Sure Jobs was an absolute pain in the ass. But if you don’t have vision at the top, something big to work toward every day, motivating you to get out of your funk, then you have nothing.

I think we have plenty of vision. I guess I just need to go recharge somewhere for a while. I see a lot more that I can’t write here. I guess what I’m saying is that revolution is, indeed, in the air. I just hope we all get to see it … and celebrate it … at the same time together.

A.Ma.Zing weekend.

Killers concert last night with my lovely fellow Goddess of the Greek variety.

Today, yes, I went to brunch with the boy and the girls. And I have to say …

They. Were. Fabulous.

They were as nervous to meet me as I was them. They said he speaks so highly of me that they wondered what I’d be thinking about them. (Heh, let’s erase some blog entries, shall we?)

The girls were about 45 minutes late because they got lost. Which, I can’t figure out U.S. 1 to save my life down here either so it’s totally understandable. He and I got to catch up and connect, and I told them both it was fine because I had some time with him. They were visibly relieved and said it was so nice of me to include them (lol).

The one gal mentioned something about his quirkiness to me — something she said, “Oh I KNOW he’s inflicted that on you.” lol. It was generous of her to say what she said. Again, since this is The Short Version, I will leave it at that, but it really was good to hear that I’m not crazy, basically.

The girls invited us back to their place to hang by the pool. But he and I went in search of a few more rounds of drinks, then to a movie, and then out for a nightcap. But it sounds like I have an open invitation to hang out anytime. The one said, “That he introduced you to me, that means you have to be pretty extraordinary.” I will take that as a compliment. 🙂

I couldn’t have had a better weekend. Maybe the short version of it is all we really need. But it’s good to have friends … old AND new. 🙂

The theory of “lousy Friday, lousy weigh-in on Saturday” holds true. Up a half-pound. Seriously, I barely eat. And I barely get off my ass. The way I figure, I don’t consume enough calories to have to be active!

This week’s theme in my life is “accommodating others at the expense of yourself.” Oh wait that’s every week.

This week I am reminded that relationships are a pain in the ass — your own AND others’. I long for people to do things with, and then when I do, it’s all about their schedules and their wants and their quirks. I’m exhausted.

I had occasion to text my friend I’m supposed to see on Sunday. He replied back with a heads-up that brunch for two is now for FIVE humans. (No mention of the dogs.)

Apparently the plot continues to thicken. The girls are bringing another guy.

You know, maybe I should just bow out. After all, this was me taking him out for his birthday. If it’s a family reunion of friends, what is the point of my being there?

On the other hand, my appetite for drama (and blog fodder) is too potent to ignore.

I have yet to reply …

“She looks good
But her boyfriend says she’s a mess
She’s a mess
She’s a mess
Now the girl is stressed.”

— Lady GaGa, “Dance in the Dark”

I had a weird thought today. Like, what if you’re really NOT supposed to be miserable … and that I’ve wasted my entire adult life so far?

We know I like what I do and all the FABULOUS people there blah blah blah CYA-cakes. LOL. But really, I know violent unhappiness. I know disgust and the near-inability to show even so much as tolerance.

I’ve never known indifference. But my absence of visceral hatred occurred to me recently. It ain’t happiness but I think it’s the closest I’ve come to it. Anyway, let’s hope it lasts.

I was thinking, I wish they’d pay me my vacation time. I’d go buy a car with it. Or move. Or something. Pay someone to take care of Mom, anyway. Instead of worrying that I’m going to lose that time, lose that money, lose everything that was probably promised to me to compensate for other things I deserve that I’m not getting.

On the other hand, I wonder if 21 days away wouldn’t be the big fat dose of magic that would help me to transform my department, my career, even my life even outside of the ranch.

I read somewhere today that you have to motivate all your staff differently. Some want money. Some want status. Some want praise. Some want more work. Some want work/life balance. So we should cater to each individual.

But … what do you do for the one who wants it all … and who is running out of steam working for it?

At my weigh-in yesterday, they told me I’ve lost more than 10 pounds since I’ve started, and did I want the meeting leader to publicly acknowledge that?

I said no. And I realized that this program has turned into a modern-day kiddie sporting event.

Last I did the program five years ago, you got a keyring when you lost 10% of your body weight, you got a charm to put on that keyring at 16 weeks to show you’d committed for a full fiscal quarter, and you got charms at 25 pounds and 50 pounds. I’m sure there were more charms, but I stopped at 65.

I think they still do that. But now they celebrate you at 10 pounds lost. They celebrate you when you’ve lost 5% of your body weight. They pretty much break out the damn kazoos if you raise your hand and share something during the meeting. (OK, maybe not kazoos. But they do hand out stickers.)

I get it. They want people to feel like they’re getting their money’s worth. And that their journey matters. And that if you encourage one good behavior, more good behaviors will follow.

And believe me, I never won a blue ribbon for anything other than academics in my life. I never ran the fastest in gym class or climbed a rope; if anything, my ribbon for physical exertion should have been for “Came Closest to Dropping Dead.” But I didn’t get a gold star just for showing up.

Of course, maybe I’m just bitter because I didn’t. Because, really, it’s easy to earn a star and to feel included. I just choose not to. I figure I’m basically losing a pound a week on average; nothing to sniff at, but nothing spectacular, either.

Those who lose five pounds a week get stickers; not the people like me who are just happy to be able to have beer and wine because we were on good behavior and ate 20 salads in a week.

Beer and wine ARE my rewards! Not spending an hour a day in a gym …

Had a quick chat with God tonight, regarding what’s left of my free time and how (specifically with whom) I choose to spend it.

And on the iPod suddenly came this little well-time gem:

“My moms always told me I come from God
And the stress, that come from y’all.”

— Queen Latifah, “Do Your Thing”

I’ve had a lot of exhausting experiences with friends over my lifetime, particularly in group settings. Whether it’s that some folks don’t pay enough or refuse to tip (and I compensate for it), or that they can only go to places THEY choose, or that they have to drag their annoying significant other or some other person I wouldn’t in my right mind invite anywhere … it gets old.

We all know I work a lot. And that I have mom in my constant non-office/-commuting hours. So, I live by the motto that if something is going to take energy or money I don’t have, I’d like to keep a respectful distance.

Even if it isn’t necessarily avoiding a particular situation, it’s not putting my delicate balance in jeopardy and dropping my guard a little too low. And I reserve my right not to have to justify it.

So, I asked God about some situations, not the least of which the brunch for two that’s now a party of four bipeds and two four-legged wonders. (I made a reservation for two so someone might want to tell me directly about the change, yes?)

Let me point out that I blame one of these people for jinxing a good thing with this friend. My perception of this person is “Shit Stirrer.” And I would not be surprised to be grilled and put on the spot and basically I see said person shoving her way in to figure out who I am and possibly how to intimidate me.

Sizing up the competition? There doesn’t have to be one. She made sure of that. I’m on guard now. After all, I think she revealed my existence on his FB page after a great date to stir up some shit with someone else he knows. And now that she mentioned my name on his FB page AGAIN, I think she’s trying to get that person’s goat.

And I would LOVE to get that person’s goat with her. LOVE. But I feel like I was a casualty and I don’t play games with people and I’m NOT a fan of those who do.

In any event, my friend should really call me and say, hey, some others may like to join. Would you mind? And truly, I wouldn’t mind in a different situation. Just … not this. I want to meet these people but not because they’re crashing the party. I don’t do bulldozers.

But alas, whose choice is it?

And that’s what I asked God. Is it my choice or is it my friend’s?

After all, I have another friend who got so sick of putting up with people’s obnoxious significant others that she won’t introduce hers to anyone. I’ve lightly expressed interest in hanging out with him; I’m not sure if she wants to keep him all to herself or if she’s so damaged from intolerable people that she doesn’t want to “go there,” just in case. (Note to friend: It will be OK. I promise!)

So that’s when I got that song and I also got the message from my guides that it’s perfectly fine if I decide that my mental capacity is such that I just want to hang with my friend. That being in groups has generally been stressful for me — I get super-quiet and kind of pissy. I like to be the center of attention and I don’t deal with aggressive people AT ALL.

And frankly I only like dogs marginally better than I like kids. Which ain’t saying much.

So, it’s still a coin-toss as to what will happen. I gave permission to myself to go just for the story I know I’ll be able to tell. But I also gave myself permission to be gentle with myself if I decide to make other plans.

I will hope that they butt out because I don’t understand their intentions and I really don’t want to be on guard with my friend, whom I haven’t seen in a long time and I really want to catch up with.

And that’s all it comes down to. There are people I really want to catch up with, and there are the rest I can do without. I spend enough time smiling for people who really don’t care about me — I just hope that if I’m investing that kind of effort, there’s a real shot at being part of a group of friends that make me a better person.

Remember, fly with the eagles. You are who you hang out with. Don’t run with turkeys or else someone will mistake you for one and you’ll end up on someone’s Thanksgiving table. Thank you to God and my spirit guides for reminding me of that tonight.

Went to a zombie pub crawl with an old friend tonight. After the misery-fest that was today, I looked the part. Alas, we had fun catching up and it was nice to forget everything that made me twitch today.

The twitching, however, has resumed. My nice buzz from Due South caramel ale ran away when I saw two of one of my boys’ female friends actively using my name on his FB page.

We have plans next Sunday. (The boy and I … Or, we DID.) And apparently he mentioned said plans to them, and they invited themselves and their dogs along. Last I saw, he said he’s calling the restaurant about the dog policy.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh ….

The place I picked is too special to want to risk a bad time.

Wonder when he will let me in on the changed plans?

Funny about The Thing I wasted time working on. While everyone was at lunch, someone else called and said, “Do you have any fresh content on X topic that I can use?”

Well as a matter of fact, I DID. Hah!

I think I just scored a victory today. Don’t tell anyone, though, or else they might find something else to make me nuts …

Just wasted an hour working on something I didn’t need to work on. Well, I did need to work on it but it’s not being used.

But the cycle doesn’t stop there. Now I get to miss a lunch out so I can work on other things I wasn’t working on in the first place that I SHOULD have been working on instead.

More to say, but I’ll just be happy if I make it to my evening plans within an hour or two of them starting.