Caterwauling

I was supportive of Hillary Clinton’s initiative as first lady to bring healthcare to people like my family who didn’t have any.

I voted for Obama twice so maybe my mom could get some coverage.

I cheered when a friend who’s gone 40 years without healthcare finally got an affordable plan for the first time in his life.

And then I filled out Mom’s application and not only did she, with zero income, get denied for Medicaid, but the system determined that I could afford to pay $700-plus a month to get her covered.

Well, way to go, Obamacare. You turned the liberal into a Republican overnight.

My mom is so weak and fragile and frail. And I think the hope of getting some care was all she had left. Now, I could almost see her fall apart overnight. And I can’t seem to stop crying, wondering if this is what does her in. The end of hope.

At work, people worry that something’s going to happen to her and I won’t be able to grace them with my 70-ish hours a week because I’ll have to take care of her. All the while I get the “oh we wish we could help” lines. Which, they could. They just don’t. All I want are ideas, leads, avenues to pursue that I haven’t … and TIME TO PURSUE THEM.

But as long as THEIR families are taken care of, why would they?

I think they fear something really big is going to happen and I’ll either become a nursemaid or, worse, all by myself in this world. Because, what would the reason be to go back at all?

Maybe I shouldn’t type this sort of stuff out loud. But I’m crying for help here. If I could free up $700 a month (like if they let me do freelance somewhere else), that would help.

I always figured Hillary Clinton could see from a thousand miles away what was wrong with Obamacare, and that she was too busy doing her job as Secretary of State and now busy preparing to become our 2016 president. And besides, she can fix this mess and become the hero for making things right.

Only … Mom doesn’t think she’ll be able to see that day. And that’s so not fair, I cannot even put into words the absolute evil that is running through my mind.

In this America, no matter how hard you work, it’s never enough. Something always suffers. And in my case, it’s some*one*.

And let’s be clear. Nobody’s ever loved me more than my momma. And a world without her, frankly, isn’t one I can imagine being in.

Thanks, Obama.

1. A friend asks me Monday, hey, could you help me with a cover letter? I say sure. She sends me the job posting. As in, I am supposed to read it and write the cover letter for her.

2. Another friend is applying for a job with the FBI, apparently, because I get papers in the mail asking me to provide a detailed reference. In case you’ve never given a reference for someone in law enforcement, they investigate you, too. Thanks for the surprise.

3. You know what I did today? Met a potential candidate for a job I’m hiring for. Because I don’t have time during the week for this.

I say all of this to say, I don’t have time for this. I don’t mind working to keep a friendship going. I do mind working during my rare non-working hours. I mind it even more if there’s no benefit to MY career.

I was texting with Jupiter today. Not really missing him at the time, just saying hi because something reminded me of him today and I knew he’d find it thoughtful of me to share.

Then UF decided to reserve me for a day exactly a month from now. Because, I’ve said no the last thousand times he’s asked with little to no notice. Now let’s give me a month to carve this blessed event in stone, eh?

It’s a pub crawl. Which, people at his age (he has seven years on me) still do? Classy.

I even said do you notice I never contact you? It’s always you coming to me? And I never say yes? Do you want to put it together or shall I?

I was talking to Mom about it all and she said, “Jupiter spoiled you.”

It’s true. No pub crawls for him. He planned nice romantic dates. He was old-fashioned in all the good ways.

Jupiter took me to fun places. Dressed up and smelled good. Was pretty to look at. Always came prepared with conversation topics I’d appreciate. Opened my car door. Always walked on the exterior side of the sidewalk. Paid. Always polite. Always generous with a smile and a compliment, for everyone — even those who didn’t deserve it. That sometimes included me.

(Oddly, I just saw an article that the more successful the woman, the less the man spends on dates. Because, we are self-made and all. But he always did it up as big as he could — or as much as I’d let him, which I honestly tried to keep it low-key. Since he wouldn’t ever let me pay.)

Anyway, funny to hear from them in the same 20-minute span. So different.

Wonder if Mom’s right and nobody will ever impress me like Jupiter did. I’m open to meeting someone new and better for me, because he wasn’t without his challenges.

But someday, I’ll have that again. Better, even. I can feel it.

As luck should have it, I got to hear from another colleague from days of yore, also with kind words to say to/about me.

I have to say it’s really starting to smack me in the face that I belong back in Biz Dev. I really, really miss getting to talk to my friends all over the globe and call it work.

Of course, today I got to be a real product manager too. I worked with one of my editors for a good four hours on brainstorming.

I don’t know that we did a great job. But honestly, while it was exhausting, it was GREAT to be in charge of one of my products again.

Generally I’m just trying to plug my fingers and toes and elbows into the holes in the ship while throwing my body over the grenade someone tossed onto the deck I happened to be standing on. So, hooray for feeling somewhat alive again … even if my brain is DEAD after eight meetings today (oh yes, there were more).

In other news, I’m on Day 2 of 14 of medication my doctor gave me. No drinking, she says. For two whole weeks, she says. *bwahahaaahahahaaa*

Side effects of this are great. Not just the “may mess up your immune system further and make you resistant to future treatments,” but apparently “fatal diarrhea” has happened in some patients.

So far, no luck. But I think a poopsplosion is totally the way to go.

Rare
Atypical
Multi-drug resistant
Immuno-compromised
Urgent

You tell me how my day is going to go from here, considering I have a prescription waiting at a pharmacy about an hour away from where I currently am.

At least I finally have a doctor’s note to confirm that my office really might just kill me after all. We cannot move out of this building fast enough.

Drinking in Deerfield Beach

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

My boss asked me last night whether I miss D.C. I burst straight into tears and said I miss my friends there.

I wasn’t certain why I was so emotional. Now I realize it’s my five-year anniversary here in South Florida.

Five years ago today, I pulled into town with a mom, two cats and truck full of crap. Today I’m renewing my lease for another year.

My “last gasp” of D.C. was Grand Mariner french toast at the Boulevard Woodgrill with Tom and Tiff. I’d moved to D.C. with Tiff, and Tom was our first friend there. They are married now and have the most-adorable kid ever.

I’ve missed a lot there. And it’s been a strange trip here, to say the least.

I have stopped trying to figure out whether I *should* have come here, or even whether I’ll stay.

These days, I struggle mightily between “Jesus Christ, is this all there is to life?” and fighting against everything … and just going with the flow a la, “I guess this is the life I was supposed to live.” And back again.

A dear friend said to me recently that she really thought I’d found my fairy tale down here. And it got me to thinking, where might I find my fairy tale, if not here?

I don’t want to think a fairy tale isn’t in the cards for me. I just fear that I wouldn’t know it if I saw it.

My longest-term relationships generally tend to be with cities — Pittsburgh, Arlington, Alexandria, Key Largo, Baltimore, and even places I’ve never been (Paris, Tuscany, Dublin, Seattle). I fall the deepest and long the hardest for their promise.

Florida, I’ve felt kind of detached from. Like, afraid to love it because it’ll just be somewhere else that I’ll miss if I decide to go find myself somewhere else again. Maybe that’s a part of the reason I don’t have many friends here, or that my greatest loves seem to be lighthouses.

I do know one thing. I need to stop blaming myself for not being further along/ahead in life. If this is where God wants me, damn it, this isn’t so bad. I just … wish I could bring all the cool people I used to know into my new life. Now THAT would be a dream come true.

I’ve noticed that when I dwell on negative things, more seem to suddenly appear. Or maybe they were always there, but they become more prominent.

So today I want to focus on something wonderful that happened last week, at a time I needed it most.

What my current crop of colleagues doesn’t realize is how well-connected I am in the field. People’s names they drop, I could tell stories about. Good stories. Which I try to share if asked.

I used to work in business development as my “side job” to editorial, so I know a lot. But these days I work in “work we really need minions to do” as my “side job” at work, and others are starting to meet my old connections.

If I had my way in this universe, I would introduce people to each other. I really would love that. I miss Biz Dev and I hope to get back to it someday. It might have to be in a few years or maybe in another lifetime, but in a moment you’ll see why it has to become a part of my life again.

I was having a Bad Day and a colleague says to me, oh hey I just got to talk to a gal you may know.

She says the name. I smile. Yes, I have good memories of that relationship.

My friend says, “The girl knows you work here now. She said, ‘Oh, you work with Goddess? LOVE HER!'”

My friend goes on to list the compliments the gal paid me.

Most notably, my friend said, “I was on the phone with her, and I could hear her grinning from ear-to-ear as we talked about you.”

My heart swelled. To have someone I respect so much, telling someone else I respect very much, that I rock? Wow.

Just, wow.

Now a part of me shouldn’t be surprised because I try very hard to rock. 🙂

But to have my name out there in the universe — in such a wonderful way — really, really made me happy.

As I said, it was a Bad Day. And this reminded me that I was Somebody before this adventure and I will continue to be Somebody after it, no matter what was said to me that day that broke my spirit.

The moral to the story? Your good deeds will follow you, and catch up with you at just the right time. So keep doing them, even when the easy choice is NOT to do them.

Thank you to the gal who honored me with her praise, and to the gal who shared it with me. Both of you are high atop my gratitude list today.

Dreamed one of our VPs got fired. I walked into their immaculately empty office to make sure of it. (I don’t quite get how said person got, let alone keeps, the job, but they are so far up Corporate’s butt that the dream was a surprise.)

Then I dreamed my boss suspended all meetings until further notice.

Both developments have worse odds than the 9.2 quintillion-to-1 of winning Warren Buffett’s March Madness bracket challenge.

I am tired of killing myself for my jobs.

I’m dodging my doctor, who has biopsy results for me.

After someone pissed me off beyond recognition yesterday, I shut down. Said individual later said they “cut deep.”

What they don’t know about me is I “shoot to kill.” Ergo, I zip it because I promise, what I end up saying or doing will be the last anyone sees or hears from me.

No poking the penguin today, people. Penguin will slap you with a fish.

Another friend quit the Alligator Ranch today.

So now, in addition to the job posting I already have out there to find a Mini Me, I have two other openings folks have sent my way to, “Hey, you know everybody. Can you share the gospel?”

I’ve got my posting on the major sites but if you want to know about the others, you know where to reach me.

The thing is, if you’ve read even one or two of my blogs, tweets or Facebook musings, you probably would choose unemployment rather than replying to one of my job postings.

And that’s OK. We are a special brand of crazy. Think you can out-crazy us? We’d like to see you try!

(Seriously, please try. My inbox is as empty as my heart.)

Like right now I’m waiting on copy that was due three days ago. And a lunch date that never materialized and don’t get me started on why I never managed to leave the house today.

Anyway, regarding the deadline missed, I’d sooner put money on receiving a winged pony and a tooth fairy who pays in hundred-dollar bills.

Who WOULDN’T want to be a part of this glamorous life, I ask you?

Excuse me while I write an article on how the missing author was turned from a rooster to a hen today with just one shot. (Homage to Dolly Parton in “9 to 5.”) Now, wouldn’t YOU want to read that newsletter?

Apply within, folks. I can’t keep all this madness to myself …