Caterwauling

Gather boys and girls as I tell you about a tale of three candidates in second-round interviews, and my two personal disasters associated with each and how I will likely hire based on them.

Candidate #1: During that meeting, the hem fell out of my favorite dress.

Candidate #2: No drama whatsoever. Like, none. At all. What. So. Ever.

Candidate #3: The temporary crown popped off its post and I had to work it back into place in front of this candidate and my boss without opening my mouth lest said toof might shoot out and offend.

“Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs.” That’s all I gotta say.

And long-haired freaky people, feel free to apply. Even if I’m deep-down a fan of the clean-cut, polished and gracious types who hold my chair for me and seem amenable to goddess-worship.

Just as I’ve been drafting up my own Evil Plan for taking the office from being a place that’s killing us to one that might actually keep us alive long enough to kill us later …

We get a note from HR that they are implementing a Wellness program. They want to know what sorts of classes we would benefit from.

Assuming that means we get to take a lunch hour (ahem) to attend them, I propose:

• How to Burn 75 Calories Dodging One Meeting Reminder
• How to Drink Just Enough to Tolerate People Without Them Being Able to Tell You’re Drunk
• Hands-Free Orgasms at Your Desk (or Anywhere!)
• 5 Inexpensive Ways to Buy Back Your Soul from the Devil After a Conference Call Ends Early
• 3 Easy Strategies to Fake Your Death (or Accelerate Someone Else’s) and Still Get a Paycheck Without Prison Time

A quick must-read: There is No ‘Startup’ Culture — There is Only Culture

TL;DR edition:

At Clockwork we do things like hosting (and attending) community and industry events, bringing a CSA day (organic farm vegetables!) to the office, having a walking work station and a Nice Ride MN bike sharing membership, and hosting an internal launch lunch where we share project learning and successes. Our monthly Lab Day — where employees can bring an interest or an idea to the table and dedicate the day to it — encourages creative curiosity and collaboration. We’re rolling out a variation on this concept this month with a Lab Day of Service, a day dedicated to helping an organization by donating our expertise and people power. …

Culture creates empowering challenges and meaningful engagement. If we let all of this be compromised because we simply are more comfortable resisting change, then we are failing at culture and we are failing at work. But bigger than that — we are failing people.

1. After breathing the same truck’s exhaust for 17 miles, I am doing a Countdown to Civilization. I need a move date for the office. And I am going to Cabbage Patch my pudgy pork roast butt off when moving day arrives.

2. Fun with headlines (although abbreviated because, lazy): Fed Cancels Plans to Fly Migrants to California for Processing. Soylent Green processing?

3. I found an old content strategy that I had drafted up for one of my failed employment adventures. It’s funny how companies let me waste my real talents, which I think is strategy but I always find myself in “thinking on the spot” situations and never really moving past them. Because, I don’t know how. So, maybe I suck at strategy after all.

4. That said, I got a really good idea that I can use now. Well, in time, anyway. If I can figure out how to have it make money, I will be all over it.

4.a. Was that me getting my fire back?

5. My body clock detests everyone who gives me pre-market work. Every time I start my day earlier, I end it later because I’m tired all day and can’t “get it up” for the creative outbursts I used to experience.

5.a. Fire extinguished so soon?

Do you look for the right job or the right company?

I started out at Westinghouse Electric, Deloitte & Touche and Coopers & Lybrand — all pre-merger. Great companies.

Then I went into non-profit and hated my life for the next half-dozen years. But the jobs were good even though the pay/companies sucked.

These days I would say “right team” trumps “right company” and “right job” since I’ve had it each way and can speak with a lot of hindsight.

Funny how none of the reader comments say you can have it all.

It’s been a while since I posted about my adventures with company values, leadership and employee engagement.

Mostly because when you spend 2/3 of your week going against all things holy and finding ways to pacify the savage beasts in the moat around your castle, well, priorities.

I’m working my way back from a long burnout odyssey (that counts as vacation, right?) and if I don’t re-engage my brain, I’ll be on the short bus right back.

My friends Bill Catlette and Richard Hadden over at Contented Cows sent an e-letter this weekend that struck a chord in me about hiring the right person for the job …

1. J.C. Penney invited candidates for a high-level job to dinner. The most-recommended candidate, he passed over, in favor of a man who tasted his potatoes before seasoning them. It showed he wasn’t as quick to judge as the “best” candidate, who salted his potatoes immediately.

2. Bill Marriott, who likes to travel with his future potential leaders, had a young man who was brilliantly polite to a food server in a restaurant where things were moving slowly. Marriott’s stance was that you want people on your team who are kind to waitstaff, airline employees, bellmen and others — people who show grace belong at your side when you’re running your business.

I have second-round interviews on Tuesday. And I will be keeping these successful businessmen’s stories in mind.

1. The Candidate from Hell aced his editing test. So I’m imagining the two very very “interesting” editing tests I’ve received this week mean these people won’t give me nightmares should I decide to hire either of them.

1.a. Boy am I going to have my hands full, either way. Might as well stock up the liquor cabinet now.

1.b. I finally see a vacation day in my future. Probably after those days expire, but still. Vacation.

2. I had someone try to out-asshole someone else yesterday. Which, I had to tell Person B, hey, don’t be an asshole to me because Person A is an asshole to you. Person A already desensitized me to your kind. You are a pretty big asshole but you will NEVER wear the crown. Got it?

3. Speaking of assholes, I had to apply for CareCredit at my dentist since I apparently will owe them four grand for my toofs. And the financing lady looked at my annual income and said, “That’s per month, right?” This is what I get for living in an affluent ZIP code. She looked at me piteously when I said I have to live on that amount FOR A WHOLE YEAR.

Oh who am I kidding. These aren’t things I think. These are things I SAY.

I overheard some guy two cubes over on the phone with an employee we (rightfully) booted to the curb. Guess Moody McMoodalicious is a contractor now.

Reminded me of Ye Olde Employment Establishment, where we tossed the a-hole who was sexually harassing his subordinates, but rehired him (and probably at a higher salary) to do his job from home. Or when we marched the two supervisors from the back hallway who ran off every employee by their one-year anniversary to the door and changed the locks … only to have them form their own company and we paid them millions more.

Basically, it’s good to see the similarities between the companies don’t end. Glad I ended up on the teams that leave the whiny, trouble-making, NOT THAT TALENTED a-holes right on the curb where we left them.

Because I didn’t have enough health problems this year, I stopped in at the dentist yesterday to get an impression for my crown (although I think a tiara is more befitting of a Goddess) and they decided to do a full-on exam.

Three hours later (sigh) I had a proposed bill for four grand and a toothache from all the poking and prodding.

Here’s the thing. Every new job I get, I start going to the dentist. Then I max out my spend (and ultimately my cash) and I’m screwed. And that’s where I am right now.

So then I go five years before I need emergency work, and the cycle starts anew.

Usually it’s money that ends my healthy dreams. And the last seven years, it’s having a mom who’s falling apart and I’ll be damned if I spend a dime on myself when she needs the help more. I’m trying to SAVE UP here, people.

Only, it feels different this time. My mouth is a mess. There is no more “I’ll deal with it in another five years” left on this clock.

And here I thought I was going to get to Europe this summer. Which I was already struggling with because, well, Mom. But the other end of that struggle is, “How long will I have this opportunity?”

Mostly I keep my faith in God that a miracle can arrive any day now. Or a spaceship. I’ll take either.

Mom says to just take care of me. I work, she says. I’ve earned my keep. I’ve earned my health. She says she has not.

I say I know plenty of people who don’t do a damn thing and get covered through their spouses. So, she does deserve help. But I’m barreling toward the state she’s in, which is just about too far gone to save.

Here’s to hoping it’s never too late. For any of us. For anything we desire. For anything we DESERVE.

It’s no secret around here that I’ve been trying to hire help from a very shallow and polluted talent pool.

I mentioned to my friend in Customer Care that I met two people last week who seemed to be able dress themselves. We may have a winner in this pile.

Somehow she didn’t know I was hiring and said, “Remember when HR used to send around notes that positions are available in other departments?”

I shook my head. It was before my time.

The thing is, everyone is afraid to apply not only across departments, but across the industry. That’s why I have such a shitty candidate pool.

There are great people at similar companies; we just know that our bosses all have a little “pinky swear” deal whereby they are bound by blood oath to tattle when someone expresses an interest in exploring their career options.

So, people stay until they’re so unhappy they go numb or else decide to change their skill areas or just leave the field altogether.

I remember when I “poached” someone years ago from another department. We had a bright young lady who was going to leave whether we tried to stop her or not. And I happened to have an opening that she was perfect for.

And MAYBE I had the foresight not to let her go without a fight, because I would be DAMNED if she was going to take her skills and training and aptitude elsewhere.

My boss got a lot of shit from her (now-ex) boss. But we not only kept this talented and AMAZING gal at the company, but she has my old job now.

An extra point for those who are really paying attention: She outlived me, her old boss AND my boss at that company. All because we DARED to put the right people on the right team.

Such a shame that I will never get that opportunity to make that kind of magic again, now that the “poaching” definition expands across company lines.

Even though, let’s face it, all the companies are going to merge eventually and we’ll all be under the same roof.

That is, if our rising stars last that long.