Caterwauling

So I’m noticing a little bit of a “rage” theme in my past, oh, seven thousand posts. Or however many I’ve published (and not pulled back into draft mode) since 2001.

In any event, I need a clean slate. Like, now.

I made plans Thursday night. Because I will be in civilization again. I have to start somewhere when it comes to putting my life back together.

Maybe I can make plans every Thursday. Shit is POSSIBLE now. More than it used to be, anyway.

I said to mom the other day, isn’t it funny how my two highest-paying jobs were the ones were I was also the freest/happiest? My world wasn’t defined ONLY by pre-market, market, after-market and weekends.

Granted, there were other things wrong with my world. But if I needed to go get my shit together, I could.

And did.

Tonight I didn’t go back to work. I settled in for an evening of “Real Housewives” and “Mistresses.”

I’ll pay for it tomorrow. I always do.

But I don’t feel as wretched as I did when I last posted three and a half hours ago. That’s as close to feeling good as I have in a long while.

The hour and a half I spent the dentist’s chair getting a HOLE DRILLED IN MY HEAD so far has been the highlight of the day.

When he was coming at me with the needle, I said why do you people have to upcharge me for novocaine when I’ve been numb inside for years?

I started working at the crack o’ me today. It’s 7:28 p.m. and I’m going to take a break and do something else around the house I need to do. Then I get to sign back on again and do more work.

Don’t you wish you were me?

Worked the weekend. Got to my desk super-early. Cranked out a bunch of projects. Annndddd …. had to postpone the dentist appointment because there’s too much to do this morning. My spirit is about as hollow as the tooth they’re going to work on if/when I get there.

This week I’m …

1. Getting a toof drilled first thing tomorrow. And paying out-of-pocket.

2. Taking the car in for repairs first thing Tuesday. Assuming there’s any money left.

3. Moving to a new office Tuesday afternoon.

Could moving apartments finally be in my future soon, too?

I lugged home all my shit from Ye Olde Alligator Farm last night after a 13-hour day in which I still didn’t finish the pre-Monday work.

If anyone wanted to fire me or if I wanted to quit, this would be the right time since I have all of my earthly belongings in the trunk of my car.

On my way out, I saw a family of about 10 tiny brown pigs and two large ones sitting by the roadside. They ran when I pulled out my camera.

Then I saw three cranes or egrets or what the hell ever standing on the highway about three miles later. Not on the roadside. The highway. Silly birds. I hope they’re still OK.

I know that I’ve blamed a lot of my stress on my commute, the building, the other side of the company, whatever. Even though, in the end, none of it really bothered me.

Honestly, I loved most of the people. I enjoyed running over to people’s desks all day to solve problems together instead of doing the ridiculous chain e-mails cc’d to the entire planet that are asked of us for documentation purposes. And the drive time wasn’t so bad because nobody on earth is driving out to Bumfuck Egypt so it was a fast commute most days.

It will be interesting to see how it all works out in the stripped-down version in a better part of town. The building holds terrible memories for me. And I’m still going to have a thousand hours’ worth of work a week to achieve.

I guess I”m looking forward to being able to walk across the street to pick up dinner instead of starving all night and then coming home to a cold dinner that was lovingly cooked three hours earlier.

My new hire has finally concluded that it’s not that I work 75 hours a week — it’s that I do 100 hours’ worth of work in 75 hours. I’ve gotten SO FAST at cranking shit out that trying to teach it to someone is killing my groove and now I’m back to working weekends to finish what I could have done had I not taken the hour-ish a day to try to share my thinking and processes.

I’m not complaining. And I’m not looking for a compliment. But I’d be shocked if they haven’t taken out an insurance policy on me.

In any event, I’m afraid the more things change, the more they will stay the same. It’s my worst nightmare, in fact. Someone finding a way to prove me wrong would be the true thank-you I crave …

Today I made my final commute to Ye Olde Alligator Farm. Here’s my favorite part of this ridiculous commute, for kicks …

I’ll stay with the same company but will have an office not surrounded by assorted wildlife. So, upon request from friends, mom sent sweets to make sure nobody forgets us …

I actually like the current office and broader cast of characters. I’m taking the hard parts with me, unfortunately. But at least I’ll be closer to home for all those early mornings and late nights.

They make you feel needed so you don't mind being used. That's what users do.

— Michèle (@Boleyngirly) July 21, 2014