Caterwauling

The same person who is threatening my livelihood texted me at 3:45 a.m. with the promise to send me more work. Yay.

I miss having someone to consume my waking and dreaming hours. Even though I ruin it every time by not knowing when to “Say When,” it did at least inspire me to sneak to Starbucks midday to text with said person. And I couldn’t wait to talk with him after work. So work sometimes didn’t drag on into the wee hours.

Now that it’s back to “all work and no play,” I notice that I’m producing the same level of output but investing a LOT more time and effort into it.

Funny how having more to juggle (not including 10,000-word essays on the Kremlin) made my life better and easier and more worthwhile.

Clearly I need more play.

I will remember today as basically the day when the “cost center” I do the most work for (40+hours/wk), got me into trouble for not doing more.

And also for doing what I do, as well as I do. Because it takes tiiiiimmmmmeee.

In any event, what I heard today loud and clear is, “It’s not you, but you’re the easiest one to throw under the bus.”

Instead of apartment-hunting this weekend, I guess I should look for a cardboard box to live in.

Smart, Attractive, Sweet Acquaintance Facebooks me to ask if Cute But Not Particularly Bright Boy we both know is single.

Sidenote: Why does everyone Facebook me to ask me to introduce them to people?

I LOL. Because I have So Many Reactions and None of Them are Good.

I passed the message along, not mentioning any names. He seemed to know and picked up his phone.

SASA messages me to say thanks but apparently he’s talking to someone.

Sidebar: Is that what the kids do today? “Talk?” In my day, we didn’t exactly use words beyond, “Mmmmmm,” “Aaaaaah” and “Oh God”!

Another Sidebar: Wonder what these people saying about me behind my back.

In any event I said good and said very nicely, “We smart single girls need to aim higher than the men of (place we know them from).”

She said, “Aaah I see what you’re saying.”

Yeah. Thank goodness.

I don’t mind correcting the grammar of super-intelligent people who are amazing at other things.

But constantly correcting grammar of someone who somehow graduated from J-School?

“I’m thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy, but it’s causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love, but I don’t wanna cause any pain
And if I’m feeling like I’m evil; we’ve got nothing to gain.”

— Banks, “Waiting Game”

There’s a guy who looks like one of my former beloveds who walks his dog on the A1A every day.

And although it is most definitely a former beloved, I still smile when I see him. I smiled at him today, in fact. After all, anyone who wanted to be with me can’t be all bad, right?

I thought about the old beloved yesterday. That’s because someone asked me to go to a concert where I’m not overly wild about the artist.

Last time I went to a concert, I didn’t have to pay because … well, I assume it was because it was “his” band. But maybe it was supposed to be a date. I dunno.

At that concert, we were tailgating and I met a military guy who kept pouring Fireball shots in my mouth. And I ended up texting with someone who I would later, ah, hook up with.

So, yeah. Me and concerts, man. Maybe I SHOULD go!

***

Wait, where was I?

***

Actually I got to thinking about TWO guys from my past. Given that one was said guy I was texting. 🙂

When I was 19, he invited me to a concert. And I was so smitten with him that, even though I deplored the music, I was all about going.

At some point, though, I wondered why he wouldn’t invite another of our friends. As I wrote in my journal at the time, “Why doesn’t he ask XX to go? She enjoys that crap.”

And he did. Without telling me. Or taking me!

Sidebar: That we ever reconnected is a mystery for the ages. A wonderful one, though.

In any event, I was willing to pay for a concert I didn’t want to see. Why? BECAUSE OF A BOY.

***

So when I saw the guy on the A1A it reminded me of when HE wanted to take me to a concert. I was willing to pay but I bet he wouldn’t have let me. Even though I know it was a hardship, he always took care of me.

That concert fell through too. It was Valentine’s Day a few years ago and I think that weirded him out.

But still. I had no problem spending time and money on these guys.

***

So I have this brand-new invitation to go to a concert this summer. And I was admittedly an asshole and said, “Wow, the summer is really far away.” And never followed up with a real reply.

I mean, he would PROBABLY pay. And I do have several MP3s from the band. So even if I do pay (and I would prefer to), I would have a good time.

But I got to thinking. Is that money I want to spend, when there are so many concerts I miss that I’d kill to see?

The thing is, he’d probably go with me to those, too.

And that whole, “What else could be in store if I let it be?” is what scares the crap out of me.

***

I don’t know why I’m genetically pre-programmed to be an asshole where this guy is concerned. I like to think it’s self-preservation.

In other words, I know I’m wasting his time if I’m the least bit encouraging. I don’t want to get into something I can’t finish.

But like I said the other day, what if the universe keeps bringing him back into my life for a reason?

(Oh did I mention he was at the concert where I was all Fireballed up?)

***

Funny how I have a revolving door for my cast of characters — and the same ones keep coming through it.

Same happens at work. It’s a tiny industry and everyone comes back around again. Everyone.

The jury is still out on the concert. I think I’ll go. Assuming we’re still “friends or whatever” five or six months from now.

A lot can happen in that time.

That’s what I’m hoping for.

But *what exactly* I’m hoping for is anybody’s guess. Most of all, mine.

It seems the only people I know with journalism degrees who actually have a grasp on style, grammar and sense came from my college.

Editing edits continues to shorten my lifespan. Dramatically.

Talking with another of my boys …

Him: You really need to save your sanity somehow.

Me: I will kill them with kindness until I can just kill them.

Him: If you need a partner in crime, just let me know.

Now THAT’s a friend!

I’m loving all the love this week …

“I don’t have to meet your mother
We don’t have to cross that line
I don’t wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time
I don’t wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you.”

— Sam Hunt, “Take Your Time”

What a good day.

Last night sucked. I logged in late (Sunday night) to do work. And the people for whom I was doing this extra work were being buttheads in my inbox.

If I didn’t have loyalty to the broader team and meet the deadline if only for them, I am not certain I would still be employed. I would likely have a restraining order against me though.

In any event, I held my tongue all day today too and all was calm and bright.

One of my boys is leaving town. So I put a little gift in his bag. He and I had the best conversation ever when he got home and found it.

Turns out he knew I did it but was afraid to open it in the building because he knew I’d make him cry. 🙂 But his thank-you to me made ME lose my shit just a little.

In any event, my heart swells with joy at the unlikely friendship we’ve developed.

I had only one person I wanted to share this with, and I love it that we had a couple of chances to connect today. It has been wonderful. I tell him everything and I love that he roots for me and is happy when I’m happy.

I feel the same when he’s the one who’s happy.

In one sense I would never call it the L word. But in another sense, isn’t being each other’s biggest fan the very definition of it?

In any case, I loved sharing my happy moments (and even the cruddy ones) with my best friend.

In addition, an old friend started a new job today and called me to say let’s go drinking. And we did. And we had so much fun.

He’s the only one I’m ever 100% honest with when it comes to my relationships. I don’t reveal details but it’s nice to be able to tell someone what’s swirling in my little brain.

What I didn’t tell him is that one of my boys has been texting me all day, trying to see where I am with going out with him.

This has been a multi-year process and I’ve fought it the whole way.

I wonder whether this is the universe saying, “Hey Goddess, if you want love, quit passing it up every time I try to hand it to you.”

Why doesn’t he give up? Don’t you people know how difficult I am? Is he a sucker for punishment, or am I that special?

I don’t know. But I do know this: thanks to all my sweet guys, I had a hell of a good day today.

Ever start talking to someone new and pretty much put it out there that there will never be any sex?

Funny how many people have NO IDEA how easy I was/am/can be.

These days I get screwed enough with my clothes on. These crazies may leave lingering effects in my brain, but no exposure to vajayjay-proximate infestations means I still win.

I’m not giving people a reaction.

I’m not giving people a reaction.

I’m not giving people a reaction.

But I will say this.

Biting off the hand that feeds and using it to wipe your ass? BAD IDEA.