“I’m thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy, but it’s causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love, but I don’t wanna cause any pain
And if I’m feeling like I’m evil; we’ve got nothing to gain.”— Banks, “Waiting Game”
There’s a guy who looks like one of my former beloveds who walks his dog on the A1A every day.
And although it is most definitely a former beloved, I still smile when I see him. I smiled at him today, in fact. After all, anyone who wanted to be with me can’t be all bad, right?
I thought about the old beloved yesterday. That’s because someone asked me to go to a concert where I’m not overly wild about the artist.
Last time I went to a concert, I didn’t have to pay because … well, I assume it was because it was “his” band. But maybe it was supposed to be a date. I dunno.
At that concert, we were tailgating and I met a military guy who kept pouring Fireball shots in my mouth. And I ended up texting with someone who I would later, ah, hook up with.
So, yeah. Me and concerts, man. Maybe I SHOULD go!
***
Wait, where was I?
***
Actually I got to thinking about TWO guys from my past. Given that one was said guy I was texting. 🙂
When I was 19, he invited me to a concert. And I was so smitten with him that, even though I deplored the music, I was all about going.
At some point, though, I wondered why he wouldn’t invite another of our friends. As I wrote in my journal at the time, “Why doesn’t he ask XX to go? She enjoys that crap.”
And he did. Without telling me. Or taking me!
Sidebar: That we ever reconnected is a mystery for the ages. A wonderful one, though.
In any event, I was willing to pay for a concert I didn’t want to see. Why? BECAUSE OF A BOY.
***
So when I saw the guy on the A1A it reminded me of when HE wanted to take me to a concert. I was willing to pay but I bet he wouldn’t have let me. Even though I know it was a hardship, he always took care of me.
That concert fell through too. It was Valentine’s Day a few years ago and I think that weirded him out.
But still. I had no problem spending time and money on these guys.
***
So I have this brand-new invitation to go to a concert this summer. And I was admittedly an asshole and said, “Wow, the summer is really far away.” And never followed up with a real reply.
I mean, he would PROBABLY pay. And I do have several MP3s from the band. So even if I do pay (and I would prefer to), I would have a good time.
But I got to thinking. Is that money I want to spend, when there are so many concerts I miss that I’d kill to see?
The thing is, he’d probably go with me to those, too.
And that whole, “What else could be in store if I let it be?” is what scares the crap out of me.
***
I don’t know why I’m genetically pre-programmed to be an asshole where this guy is concerned. I like to think it’s self-preservation.
In other words, I know I’m wasting his time if I’m the least bit encouraging. I don’t want to get into something I can’t finish.
But like I said the other day, what if the universe keeps bringing him back into my life for a reason?
(Oh did I mention he was at the concert where I was all Fireballed up?)
***
Funny how I have a revolving door for my cast of characters — and the same ones keep coming through it.
Same happens at work. It’s a tiny industry and everyone comes back around again. Everyone.
The jury is still out on the concert. I think I’ll go. Assuming we’re still “friends or whatever” five or six months from now.
A lot can happen in that time.
That’s what I’m hoping for.
But *what exactly* I’m hoping for is anybody’s guess. Most of all, mine.