I asked God for grace. No more. No less.
Today I had some grace extended to me. And I very happily accepted it.
I was just about to remind someone that they need to do something. Because I’ve been watching the clock and gunning for the send button.
But grace is going to save them today. I’m not going to be their problem today.
They want me to lay off, well. Wish granted.
Gordon Geckko, greed is good. But grace is great.
The AC broke in the office Wednesday. The city on this screenshot is wrong, but the temp is correct.
I wanted to work from home Thursday but didn’t get a green light. So I came in and sat in a puddle of sweat for two hours.
After battling a migraine and losing my meager breakfast, I went out at 10 a.m. to cool off in the even-hotter weather. But at least there was AIR circulating. Sweet, glorious air.
And that’s where the story begins.
My humanity returned somewhat while I ate my fried egg and cream cheese on a toasted multigrain bagel.
The guy next to me ended up chatting with me a bit. And the lesson I learned is that I could have been cooped up, sweating and working my butt off as usual. But perhaps it was fate that smoked me out of my corner and allowed me to enjoy my weekday.
The conversation doesn’t matter. If you must know, he was a lawyer and he showed me a woman on the front of our town paper who ran a guy on a scooter off the road. Her friend in the car turned her in. He said she’s looking at seven years in jail.
He said look at how mean she looks. He said she looks rode hard and put away wet. She clearly looked very hardened, with no compassion or remorse in her eyes.
The guy said no jury is going to believe her even if she says she’s sorry.
“I don’t know how someone gets to be 52 and has no impulse control,” he said. “But at least she could have taken care of herself a little bit. She looks 70. It wouldn’t hurt her case if she looked like a nice person who had a terrible lapse in judgment. From her appearance, it’s easy to believe the police report that she was gunning for the guy on the scooter.”
I was amazed at how he was reading her. And it reminded me to quit fucking frowning all day at the screen. Moreover, I can’t help wearing my feelings when my biggest work stressor HAUNTS me day and night. This shit has kept me awake for months.
I left shortly afterward, as my food was gone and my headache had abated and I had to go do three people’s worth of work.
I knew he was heading to court and then to the beach. I said goodbye and that I hoped his day went exactly as he planned it.
He hadn’t smiled once. But suddenly he did and said, “You’ve got a beautiful smile there. Thanks for sharing it with me today.”
Funny. I was feeling like ass and I was still pleasant and nice. 🙂
But importantly, I wouldn’t have smiled had I not been there. Trust me on this. (Laughter feels like something from my long-distant past.)
The point of all this (yes there is one) is that being locked in the castle, doing All The Things, never being NOT busy and dealing with the ass ache that never abates, I miss out on a lot.
Even if it’s to hear that I have a nice smile and to get a reminder to take care of it and that I’ll get a lot further in life if I wear it. That’s pretty good advice I would never have heard otherwise.
I had to miss out on beach meditation with friends tonight thanks to the reason why I need to meditate.
I’m starting to understand why “premeditated” is a word. Because I’m thinking about just how I can release this feeling since I had to miss my plans for the sixth time in two weeks for the same reason. 
So two people tagged me in the same meme on faceypages yesterday.
I was sort of horrified because I figure everyone had to see it and it was about wanting to drop the F-bomb at work.
Right now, i need to mind my Ps and Qs. Because on top of being never-endingly busy … I have a new project.
And while I very much want a positive outcome to this project, I also don’t understand why it’s easier to get a divorce (or a new job) than to achieve the outcome I want.
The odds and the burden of proof are all in my favor. I just don’t know how much longer I can maintain a semblance of a pleasant demeanor. Because it’s crumbling and pushing those odds back out of my favor.
So it’s Father’s Day and the men of Facebook are butt-hurting over posts from people like me who had a shithead for a dad and others who had kids with jagoffs who became jagoffs after they became dads.
Look. Every year I choose to thank my grandfather for raising me as his own. Or my grandparents for keeping mom and me from being abused (evil stepfather) or homeless. Or even just mom for making sure I had the life she didn’t.
But I’m tired of tap-dancing around a father who wanted nothing to do with me. Or a stepfather who almost destroyed my mom. Or the guy who calls me his “kidlet” who spent 10 years with my mom and who finished the job of destroying her.
And we wonder why I’m childfree very much by choice. And a lot of money and clinic bills.
The point being debated is interesting. That we don’t bash shitty mothers on Mother’s Day. We simply thank them all.
But that’s the point. We thank them for giving us life. Might be a shit life for some but we can all turn 18 and move away.
I’m not bashing shitty fathers. I’m personally not a fan of those who didn’t show up. And most moms don’t have that choice.
You know who’s a shitty mom? The bitch upstairs who screams at her husband in front of their two kids all day and night. And I think her mom is staying with them this weekend and she yells at both of them.
I think the dad is a shithead too because he keeps his kids in that abusuve situation. But I expect her to have the sense to protect her kids. And if living with that man makes her head spin, it’s her duty to leave.
In any event, everyone thinks they are or could be a great parent. Whether anyone agrees, ain’t my place to say.
So happy Father’s Day to Terry and Jon, who are expecting tiny little ones very soon. I expect they will be the kind of men girls like me wish they had met first …. and the kind of dad I wish I had for myself and could have for my own kids.
Funny how when some relationships end, you realize they’ve really been over for a long time. And funny how things you thought were long gone, never seem to end.
Funnier still that when you say fine and let things run their course, you’re no better off than you were before you knew the outcome. In fact, you could have lived without it just fine. Better, even, I’d bet.
So ready for something new.
I worked at HQ for a change on Friday. I loved it.
I received a steady stream of visitors and hugs. Had productive meetings. Got the gossip. Laughed a lot.
The one thing everyone says about me, other than that I write the funniest e-mails, is that the miss hearing my laughter through the halls.
That’s how people knew I was there. I was laughing.
I said to my one friend, you know what? I don’t laugh anymore at work.
I mean sure, I chuckle as I work with people I like over instant messenger. But everyone is remote and it’s just me and one other person in the room now.
Funny how everyone appears to like me but that one. Clearly they missed the “goddess is awesome” memo.
I wonder if I should return to HQ or whether I should just enjoy feeling special when I visit. Which clearly I need to do more often.
I get spankings from time to time. No not the good kind. Never enough of those …
I guess they are more love taps. The “ok you did it your way. Now try ours” kind. Which aren’t so bad.
But if good people like me and a couple of my super intelligent friends are getting spanked, shouldn’t others get hit with a fucking bat?
My new favorite word must be dipwad. Given how many times I’ve said it.
The good news is, I come up with a new word every week. So if anyone ever finds my phone (*gulp*), they’ll think I just know a lot of, um, short-bus drivers who are a couple tacos shy of a value meal because they couldn’t find their ass cheeks even with Siri’s help. Noodles.
So yeah. Look at the pretty photos instead if you get your hands on my phone. But perhaps stay away from some of the videos … 😉
