Caterwauling

When I “broke up” with Pittsburgh like a hundred years ago, I left mostly dry-eyed. My family and friends were still there, yes. But I was ready to move to D.C. when I did.

When I left D.C. I was a mess. It was an ugly breakup. Everything was just feeling so wrong, and I felt like my only choice was to just go.

So this weekend, when a favorite part of D.C. came to visit me — the first real friend I made there — you can understand why I’m having All the Feels about it.

After a couple days of truth-telling and bottomless Bloody Mary/Mimosa drinking, we went to see “Inside Out” this afternoon. And I pretty much lost my shit during a particular scene.

Without giving away too many spoilers (I hope), there was a part of the main character’s memory that had to be left behind so she could move forward.

I burst into tears. And my friend grabbed my hand and didn’t let go for the rest of the show.

Which, first of all, I love my friend and I’m so glad he called me months ago to let me know he was coming to town so I would be free.

And second, I love that you really don’t have to leave anyone behind if you don’t want to. We all still exist in those little iPhones we cling to as if our lives depended upon them.

In any event, I find myself in a near-constant state of homesickness for D.C. that hasn’t passed in six years.

Not that I want to move back for good, but I’d love to be a snowbird. That would be a great summer home.

I made a new friend this weekend, too. Who lives in the heart of D.C. and who said he has a guest room if I ever want to come up and see my friends. Which, YES.

My friend said he had no idea how much he needed to see me until he got here. And I realized as I said goodbye, that feeling was quite mutual.

Dollars to donuts, I bet if I still lived up there, six years would have gone by without us crossing paths. I mean we lived down the street from each other, and my job took over my life and all my friendships moved to life support.

I’m very grateful key people like him didn’t pull the plug (and I understood it when others did).

I almost don’t want to go back for a visit because I can’t imagine anyone else is left. I mean, I don’t pine for D.C. per se. I pine for the friends I lost touch with before I ever left.

Maybe that’s why Pittsburgh wasn’t so hard to leave behind. I saw my friends a lot. We had many parties and nights out. I wouldn’t say that the friendships ran their course, but we definitely had a ton of fun and played/loved hard.

Like, I always feel like I have one foot out the door here in Florida. That I’d take the first plane out of here if I could ever get a day off.

But I never got my chance to fall in love with this place either. So I also feel like I’d be on the first plane back after I didn’t find what I was looking for someplace else.

In any event, I had to laugh with the movie because Lewis Black was inside the main character’s head. He’s sure inside mine sometimes.

But today, Joy was inside my head. So was Sadness but Joy definitely prevailed.

My friend paid me the best compliment. He came down here to go deep sea diving. And he said spending today with me was on par with being 60 feet below the sea yesterday. I know he loves being out there, so I’m honored.

For me it was more like coming up for air. But our personal choice of elements aside, I can relate.

There’s something special that happens when home comes to you. Thanks, D., for the peace I haven’t felt in a long, long while.

Best souvenir ever.

This week a problem I’ve had for a very long time suddenly went away.

One day, blinding aggravation and stress. The next day, I woke up NOT screaming for the first time in months.

If only all problems went away like that. Or, should I say, if they just STAY gone, everything will be OK.

You wonder why you go through these ordeals. Like, what was the lesson so you don’t have to repeat that shit and learn it next time?

I think I got some insight into an old boss. I mean I still think she was a jerk who was only concerned with hiring the cheapest talent possible (and then bitching about the lack of talent).

But let’s assume she was on top for a reason. And that she correctly could spot when certain people were moving the business forward and when others were holding it back.

In that case, I was definitely holding it back in her eyes. I was trying to restore the souls of broken employees. And maybe I did need to leave well enough alone in some cases.**

(**Like in the case of the one who refused to give me a reference after I lost my job trying to save theirs. And they wonder why I don’t talk to them. Or to the friend I genuinely miss who is up this person’s ass.)

But for the fact that some of the good ones did manage to stick around, I hope having me around — even if for a minute — might have done something to help.

I don’t expect her or anyone to spend a moment trying to figure out why I “happened” in their lives. And I don’t plan to spend another moment trying to figure out why the last year happened to me the way it did, either. I wasted enough waking hours on that.

I guess the lesson is it’s all about “fit.” And if it don’t fit, don’t force it. Because everyone ends up being out of a lot of money, patience and time in the end.

First day I didn’t wake up screaming in a long time. 

I am very very  happy today.  

Why You’ll Never be Enough for Him

Good reading. And applicable.  

Makes you want to go back and ask if he meant it when he said you were his soulmate. Or whether that changed when he got what he wanted. 

I don’t feel like I was stupid. But maybe I should. 

A while back, I remember posting about a friend who was interested in a guy who I thought was, shall we say, intellectually beneath her.

This week I happened to find out what a big old conniving whorebag she is. Like, the holier-than-thou act she pulled with me was indeed an act.

And it’s funny, because I really thought the guy was a step down for her. But I put it together in my head that her whining/bitching/complaining — now coupled with her being a BIG FAT WHOREBAG — makes me realize the guy was far too classy for HER.

Now don’t get me wrong. The guy isn’t an intellectual giant and this new discovery doesn’t turn him into one.

But instead of telling her to aim higher, I wish I’d said it to him instead.