Caterwauling

I got really really good at something, years back.

I mean, recite it in my sleep good at it.

People called me the GODDESS of this shit, I tell you.

But for the past five years, I’ve let that side of my brain go a little dormant.

I mean, I just haven’t needed that info.

Also, I haven’t had the tools (expensive tools) to keep practicing it.

So now I’m staring at an opportunity to dust off that part of my brain.

And I have my hands so full of the stuff that’s bulldozed it to the back of my mind, I am hesitant.

I mean, it’s not like I can bulldoze back over the other stuff.

And it’s easier to get help with the stuff I USED to know/be able to do than to get help doing the stuff I HAVE to do.

I wonder if it’s even possible to un-atrophy a brain after years of under-use.

But man it would be good to regain my goddess-of-that-thing title. The risk is huge. But the financial reward would be very nice.

And no road will rise up to meet you if you aren’t actually taking a step forward. Of course, the bottom can’t fall out either. So, there’s that too.

The friends I had in Pittsburgh when I left were some of the best I’ve ever had. 

It’s interesting how none of us have kids. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

I realize they are all with the people they were dating when I left. I also find that interesting. 

Not so much here. The only constant in my life is mom. 

I think I am the lucky one …

… At all the people bundled up in sweaters, hoodies, scarves, hats, gloves and flip-flops in Starbucks when it was 60 degrees out. 

Now I am one of them. Because I don’t own any socks to wear with my one pair of boots. 

Oh, and brr …

That moment when you’ve had enough of both Tummy-ache Twins … fought half the afternoon with White Comic Sans on a White Banner … and then the project you worked on for the entirety of MLK Day (a scheduled day off) gets delayed for two weeks.

I want to form a soccer team. But I don’t need balls, since I’m apparently the only one who has my own. I’m using heads instead.

I typed that line today about my other Tummy-ache Twin. These boys sure do keep things interesting. No wonder I have anxiety.

Nothing else to see here. Carry on. I just lost minutes of my life because of this crap.

That moment when one of your Tummy-ache Twins emails at 5 am to say they didn’t feel like doing the project that’s due the night before and it’s on you as usual. 

You can’t even be mad because at least they bothered to talk to you this time around. 

I’m not sure what’s worse: Having a pinhead who shows up and can’t do jack, or having someone be wildly competent if and when they make an appearance. 

I think I’ll take a star any day. Just not today when three major things are due.

Mom in all her psychicness said she doesn’t feel like we are moving this spring. 

That could change if I found the perfect place of course. Which I haven’t. But I could find a good enough one on a dime. 

I have had it in my head that it’s time to buy. But people are generally awful here in the Sixth Borough. 

After being surrounded by super nice people in Vero Beach and Fort Myers and Key West, I’d be an idiot to be trapped in a mortgage here when I wouldn’t be able to find a true sense of community that I’d find just about anywhere else. 

If I don’t move then I need a big huge plan for next year. Like a massive plan that includes everything but the rut I’m clawing my way out of in all areas of life. 

In the meantime I’m not complaining anymore. An old colleague asked if all is well here now that I’ve stopped talking about it, or if I were just being me and clamming up. 

Gotta love how people know me so well. The less I say, the more I HAVE to say. 

Anyway maybe I can rent this dump month to month till something better comes along. We all know commitment terrifies me. Best to be able to flee at any moment. Because God knows I’m always thinking about it, even if I haven’t done it yet. 

Till then, I won’t think of it as being stuck. Rather, I’m wedged. Like a fat girl in a tight booth. Just need a lil Crisco and I’ll pop my pudgy pork roast butt out when I’m good and ready. 

I drove up to Vero Beach yesterday. 

People were friendly. They smiled and said hi. I got a dozen compliments on my shirt. 

Wish I could move there …

I have this harebrained idea to buy a house instead of looking for the next disappointing rental. 

But that begs the question, do I renew for another year and listen to Caitlyn Jenner building pipe bombs upstairs, or buy the first thing I sort of like and end this misery now?

And who will fix my car and overpay for obamacare if I’m paying exorbitant HOA fees?

That moment when you remind yourself to reply to that email from a long-ago friend and then “your” song comes on the radio at the takeout place where you’re waiting for your dinner.