Caterwauling

It will take a shift to be able to think this way again. But it’s possible. 

It’s been a staycation for the new year. Between my anxiety and the cat’s ass and mom’s pain, I’ve taken this opportunity to drink as much wine as my liver can process, from the comfort of my couch. 

My heartburn has been at bay till I had my first self-defeating thought of the new year. So my body violently reacts to bad things. I never knew that about myself. 

Something else I didn’t know is that it is counterproductive to share your resolutions. That’s because you get the positive feedback when you make them publicly. So who needs to achieve them, then?

From The Atlantic:

  
So I made a list in a Notepad doc this year. 

I should probably add “redirect those self-defeating thoughts.” I just hope it isn’t too late to achieve it now that I’ve typed it out loud. 

  
I read a great quote that I can’t seem to locate. It said earth is big. And if you live in the same place your whole life, that’s the geographical equivalent of never leaving your bedroom. 

Had another sleepless night. Between the constipated cat who won’t eat her pumpkin and the neighbor who is literally sawing logs at 4 a.m., my new year is off to a rollicking start. 

I’ve decided Lunar New Year will be my official new year. That’ll begin my official 60-day countdown to move. 

The kitchen sink isn’t working. Or my toilet. Or the dryer. This is a brand new place, right? But with the landlord telling me I have to pay for repairs, it dawns on me that the problems were left for me by other people who rightfully didn’t want to pay to fix his house. 

Putz. 

In any event, I still feel stuck even if I change houses. I love Florida though. Just not this part. 

I found an old blog post last night from my exit interview from Club Medicated. I was forced to say I was leaving for personal reasons. And I was pissed. 

As I said and wrote, it wasn’t fair for them to connect hating the employer with hating the job. I loved the job. I excelled at it. I just was dying at the company. 

I’m not comparing then to now, workwise. But hating southeast Florida while liking my career is comparable. Like then, changing one too drastically means losing the other.  

If anyone has been a master of reinvention, it’s me. Of course, it was a lot easier without having a dependent with chronic and untreated anxiety that’s manifested in me. 

They say a quiet new year ushers in a year of relative sameness. That’s why I need to whoop it up on Lunar New Year. I was tired of extreme highs and lows of years past. But spending another year in a near-coma without being asleep will kill me more. 

I don’t know what that means yet. But I gotta do something before my brain and soul atrophy completely. 

Last year I think I resolved to not blame everyone so much. Self included. 

I think I would get a C-plus for my efforts. So let’s not continue this failure fest again. 

I need to go back to my achievable list.

• Get more Starbucks stars. 
• Drink booze five times a week. 
• Shave my legs more than once a month. 
• Make out with inappropriate people. 
• Consume my body weight in lentil chips. 

Done x 5 and no balls will drop for another three hours!

I was chilling with one of the boys recently. He said I am allowed to have fun. He said he can tell I used to know how but have forgotten. 

He also is mad at what I make. I didn’t tell him but when he gave me a number and said over/under and I said under, he said time to aim higher. 

So I’m feeling inadequate right now. 

I wanted to take a course this week but I was too busy with work. I need to master a new skill or else I’m going to die. 

At least I didn’t blame it on anyone. Progress!

Maybe I got the resolution wrong. It’s not a matter of blame but accountability. Nobody gives a fuck what I do. Least of all me. 

What if instead of wishing for shit, I made plans to achieve it?

I think we should all be mandated to meet with a life coach before year-end or else we aren’t allowed to pass “go.”

If I would have to stay in 2015 until I leveled up, fuck yeah I’d figure something out. 

As it stands, my resolution is to adopt a mindset of “plenty.” Plenty of time and money and energy to move, get a car, get up north and buy a plane ticket to Europe for 2017 at the latest. 

And to watch a little less “Housewives.” Which, I have a better shot at shaving my legs twice a month instead of once. But, you know. Gotta aim for something.