Caterwauling

Let’s see. 

Got up (too) early. Jagoff neighbors walking ballistic dogs at 4:30 am. Boo. 

Had time to get mom breakfast. Since I came home too late last night to feed either of us. Win. 

Worked my ass off today. Brain used. Got to write even though it was the last thing I needed at the time. All was well though. Win. 

Overcame a massive meltdown. I had grand plans of surprising a friend at lunch for her birthday. Fail. Got invited to lunch elsewhere five minutes after new writing project arrived and after postponing massive project that was due (and is now overdue). Fail. 3 pm rolls around, I finally get a gift and a card and leave the surprise on her desk. Win. Order Starbucks mobile. Win again although I hate that they all know me by name now. 

Technological difficulties. Per usue. My computer hates me and clearly so might the gods who would let me take it to the shooting range. Is it a fail if it already eats up 10 hours a week?

But, cool visitor in the office today. And a good dinner invite for later this week that I don’t deserve. But it makes up for today’s frustration with everyone I’ve ever met in my whole entire life. Win. 

Bad, terrible, awful news though today.  Money, pain and suffering. Fail. Fail. Fail. 

Almost got in two accidents. First, turning down a street and asshole barreling toward me in the wrong lane. I brake. Almost get rear ended by asshole not paying attention. Second, stopping for dark-cloaked pedestrian who is in NO HURRY to finish jaywalking. Almost get rear-ended again. No collisions. Miraculously. Double win. 

God is nothing but impeccable with Her timing. Never a second too soon with help. But right on time to the dot, I say. 

More to do tonight. Tired but neighbors fighting. Can’t concentrate but can’t sleep either. Fail. 

I tried. I really did. 

In all my infinite weirdness, I want nothing more than to be included yet I go to every extent to park my pudgy pork roast butt right on the fringes.

Even when people try to drag me kicking and screaming into the circle, I stay where I am.

I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t have to worry about missing out. I can imagine all the fun and feeling included that I could have enjoyed. But without the painful absence of it when it’s over and everyone’s gone away and I’m back on my own.

It’s a joke (but it isn’t) ’round these parts that I’ll never take a day off because once I am not psycho-busy, I will never be able return to the grind.

I notice that once I’m dating someone and I get time to myself, it’s hard to give up. A friend said it’s very “goddess-ish” to say my favorite gift to give is the gift of goodbye. But seriously. It’s the gift that keeps on giving … to yourself.

But yeah. I don’t want to get into it. I just had the opportunity to be treated like family recently and I hope they didn’t think I was shunning it. I just didn’t feel worthy of it. Since it’s been a long time since I felt the love from those I DO give everything to. Forgive me if you are kind to me … and I just don’t know what to do with it because I feel so out-of-practice.