Caterwauling

I got out of work at an OK time on Tuesday. Got a good parking spot at the convention center where the results party was taking place. Sailed through Secret Servive going through my bag and monitoring my passage through the metal detectors. 

While I was standing in line, I got to talking with one of Hillary Clinton’s staff members. Asked him if he’s having a good day and whether things were going his way so far. (This was a good hour-plus before the polls closed.) He was sweet and kind and grateful for a relaxed moment. 

I got upstairs to the event area and found a decent spot in the half-full already room. I could see the room-sized CNN broadcast and the actual CNN cameras (and every other network) that were pointed right at us. 

Pano …  

 Awhile later, the house was packed. And someone tapped me and asked if I wanted to move up to the front. It was the gentleman I’d talked to downstairs! I said thank you and went to stand to the front-left of the podium. 

Sweet. 

  
I got a bird’s eye view of the first poll results of the night.   
What I wish I could have photographed? The energy in the room. The cheers as our candidate won three states and took the lead in the other two.  The boos over Donald Trump’s mysterious victories. 

Wish I videoed the couple thousand of us singing “Na Na Na Na. Hey hey hey. Goodbye!” when Marco Rubio ended his candidacy. That was a moment in time to remember. 

I mean. He was probably better than Ted Cruz. But still. It’s entertaining to watch the GOP cannibalize itself. As long as that circus ends in November. 

In any event, I had so much fun. I loved that night. Talking to like-minded people who watch the news and read books and think about the consequences of today’s words and actions in the generations to come. 

We heard Trunp was going to speak at 9 p.m. from just a few miles away. We speculated we’d see our girl at 8:55. 

We called it. 

  
She was bold and full of light and life and fire. Oh the fire. Every photo I have is of her driving it home now serious this all is. To us. To her. 

That’s what I needed to see. That it isn’t just a campaign. Now it feels like a cause. 

The news would later say she should have smiled. You know. Instead of listening. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. 

I don’t post much on Facebook. I’m not up for a fight. I’m not taking the bait left for me by people I don’t call friends. (Although I expect and love the tough love from my boys.)

 I ain’t her and I’m not her apologist. I’ve spent enough time apologizing for my candidates and not enough demanding the same from everyone else’s. 

 
And no. Nobody’s done anything for me. But I’m having fun. 

I mean. I got to stand 20 feet from a former First Lady. And the presumptive Democratic nominee. And maybe, just maybe, the next U.S. President. 

Why would I have a bad word to say about anybody or anything when I choose to be a part of an important process … and my presence is welcomed?

Afterward, I stopped at Mellow Mushroom for a glass of wine. Met three other attendees I fell in love with. I should have flirted with the guy next to me. We talked rapid-fire about books and foreign policy and trade with China until my Thai Dye pizza to go arrived. We wished each other a wonderful night and life and a Trump-free Nov. 10. And I’m not going to wish I’d stayed longer. Even though, well, I do. 

A pretty good night, all told. The kind of night that restores your faith in the world and your place in it. 

Florida is the most diverse state in the union.  I’ve never seen more skin colors or heard so many different languages spoken. 

So you can understand my surprise that this is the first “I Voted” sticker that’s written entirely in English that I’ve ever gotten. 

Gratuitous boob shot. But I’m more fascinated that I have a waist!

  
So naturally I voted for Hillary. I don’t think I’d have a problem with Bernie winning the nomination. But I sure would have a problem with any of the current GOP nominees taking the nation’s top job. So, I vote accordingly. 

And if you turn your nose up at my vote, that’s your right. I read more than most people. My vote is an educated one. I’m not going to shout talking points from the rooftops. You go do you. Imma do me.

I feel a weird kinship with Hillary. Maybe because I stood with her at the National Building Museum eight years ago, listening to her concede the nomination to Barack Obama. 

A part of me died that day. I knew I worked harder than any man I ever knew. I knew I earned less. I felt like if this bright and capable and competent woman could succeed, so could I.  And it crushed me when she couldn’t. 

If there’s one thing I remember from 2008, and I remember it all, it’s this. She gave us hope. She said she would come back. She said we would succeed next time. That together we made 18 million cracks in the previously unshattered glass ceiling. 

I held her to that promise. She came back. 

That’s why I did too. 

At 7 a.m. at my old church, no less. 

Look. I’m not fooled into thinking I made a difference. Or that whomever is in office gives a damn about me. Or that the system is able to be repaired. 

But I’ve seen a lot of good things happen. And I want to believe what my sticker says, that “I made freedom count.” 

I might not count any other day. But today, I do.

Hillary is in town tonight. I’m going to go see her. Because, we need to have a victory together and I’m hoping that’s what we have in store tonight. 

I think we both deserve it. It’s time. It’s OUR time.

I was listening to men talk about their weight and had to laugh when one said he was lighter than some other dude by 20 pounds. 

That’s totally how women compare ourselves. Even if we don’t say it out loud. 

Kills me that I’m a lot lighter than all of them and I’m still a pudgy pork roast in comparison. 

Oh well. I’m a happy one. 

Fat free, salt free, butter free popcorn available. 

1. Day 8 of being sick. But damn did I love working from home. No driving my clunky old car. No fighting with the garage gate. No panicking when I see ticket-happy cops (unless you drive a Benz or Bentley). No almost getting run over as a pedestrian.  No panicking or drama. 

2. Lost 2 pounds. Food just hasn’t appealed. It’s been a lot of eggs and tofu and veggies and soup and fruit this week.  Which is fine by me. 

3. I use the weight watchers app more than Facebook. I love the new Connect feature. It’s Facebook for fat people. All the comments are positive and encouraging. Lots of inspirational before and after photos. But if I’m being honest, most people look better fat. Honestly. I think everyone should be happy at 200 pounds because they generally lose their character below it. 

4. I left Facebook for a while. I only post work stuff and get off. I went back for a minute this week to find out either nobody missed me or noticed I was gone. Except the colleagues near and far who use it to get to me. Which, don’t do that. Please. I am the queen of avoiding people. The phone will go into the ocean next. 

5. Fuck servers who argue with you. Two weeks ago I got raw food at a Mexican place. I told the server. She basically said sucks to be you and wouldn’t make it right. I tipped anyway and she snatched it out from under me. Yesterday I ventured to Lemongrass for soup. There’s an excellent one by work but the one  where I live is subpar. The food was so bad I returned it. Instead of saying sorry or whatever, the hostess argued with me for 20 minutes that she doesn’t believe I’m a a regular customer at the good location. Wtf. 

6. I think the upstairs neighbor died. Or had his toilet removed. Or got carpet. Because I barely heard him the past three days. However he still goes in all his drawers and drops bowling balls at 11:30-ish when I’ve been asleep for five minutes. And I can’t ever fall back. So he’s still alive for me to kill him. 

7. Republicans scare me. Republican  voters scare me. And I’m surprisingly irritated by Sanders supporters. I like him ok but fuck everyone and their free college and a pending 50% tax rate. I already support the rich and the poor and don’t have enough left over to take care of my own. 

8. Having no commute and no need to shower is what I want  in a state that’s not Florida. Or a United state, for that matter. Prepare the guest room, my international friend. If/when something happens to mom (and I think that day is uncomfortably close), you’re my first call. 

Being sick sucks. But I have to say, it happened during a relatively calm week. Blessings, I’m counting ’em. 

Every time I hear that “Confident” song, I think of Blake, Emerson and Scott on “The People’s Couch” singing it. 

Then I think of someone who has never missed an early bird special, and I sing “What’s wrong with being Competent?”

I was particularly grumbly about it Friday night and yesterday morning. But as always I try to find grace. Usually in the form of knowing one of us hasn’t lost sight of achieving greatness.  

But having an anchor doesn’t make you swim farther. Dead weight makes you drown. No matter how much your pudgy pork roast butt fights to float. 

I got to thinking about progressive responsibility. And while I don’t think I ever shirked it (I volunteered to do a lot of stuff over the decades for the sake of experience), my progressive learning has come more from research. You know, something immeasurable by most standards. 

In other words, I don’t think getting smarter gets you further. Not without action.  And my measure is being able to work faster. Which no one else would know. 

I got away from writing because there was too much else going on. Last week I had a man down so I wrote more than usual. 

It was hard at first. And my first drafts weren’t great. But I liked my final edits. And I LOVED writing again. 

But is that progressive to go BACK to what you used to be known for?

I guess it’s better than being known as the person who can’t be bothered to stay five seconds late to complete a simple task. 

I feel lik someone parted my hair with a machete. No I’m not rewatching  the GOP debate and the Ted Cruz tonsil stone (ew). I just have a headache for days and my first cold since 2014. 

It was a hard day. Mom is so sick and I’m thinking that I should stop contributing to my 401(k) to get her some care. 

I mean, the account looks like shit this year anyway. But I’d miss the matching program. Obviously I haven’t thought this one through. 

I feel bad bringing germs into the house. That lady has enough problems. 

Today I was woozy and achy and forgetting every train of thought. So she gets upset and says I am making her feel unwanted. Like I’d be happier if she weren’t here anymore. 

I am unsure how one draws that conclusion in that particular moment. I don’t think it was a guilt trip. I would like to think I’ve done more than most. 

But it reminds me it isn’t enough because i don’t know how much longer I can keep her alive with all the health issues. 

Naturally I think about all the fun stuff we will do if we get a miracle. I want that. I want the pain to go away. And I know it will.  I just don’t know how, when and whether the result is a happy ending or not. 

So yeah. Ain’t got no time to be sick. Work doesn’t stop. Worry doesn’t stop. The time to worry about me ain’t now. Not that I’m all that effective when I’m physically healthy. Obviously. 

Could this week BE any busier? 

The work never ends. And never will apparently. 

And I think I have a cold. Because why not. 

Terrible week for the scale. Undid three weeks of progress. I blame stress. And not ALL THE WINE. And gelato. 

Heard from a friend who hasn’t heard from me in a while. But when I said things are ok-but-not-100%, that ended that. Hmm. 

Oh well. No time to “do me.” I got 99 things to do and working this weekend damn sure ain’t one of them. 

Yesterday was sunny with a seven-hour stretch of clusterfuck thanks to a city-wide internet outage and a sketchy backup network. 

I mean I’m used to writing and researching on my phone because my computer sucks. But damn at least then I have wifi. 

Thanks to two great friends who helped me all day, and thanks to other friends who made the night worth celebrating, I ain’t got no complaints. 

I do still have some bad, hard things hanging over me that I have to deal with asap if not sooner. But for now, let me enjoy my coffee and my Irish car bomb hangover and the sweet, sweet silence of non-urgency for just five minutes. 

Let’s see. 

Got up (too) early. Jagoff neighbors walking ballistic dogs at 4:30 am. Boo. 

Had time to get mom breakfast. Since I came home too late last night to feed either of us. Win. 

Worked my ass off today. Brain used. Got to write even though it was the last thing I needed at the time. All was well though. Win. 

Overcame a massive meltdown. I had grand plans of surprising a friend at lunch for her birthday. Fail. Got invited to lunch elsewhere five minutes after new writing project arrived and after postponing massive project that was due (and is now overdue). Fail. 3 pm rolls around, I finally get a gift and a card and leave the surprise on her desk. Win. Order Starbucks mobile. Win again although I hate that they all know me by name now. 

Technological difficulties. Per usue. My computer hates me and clearly so might the gods who would let me take it to the shooting range. Is it a fail if it already eats up 10 hours a week?

But, cool visitor in the office today. And a good dinner invite for later this week that I don’t deserve. But it makes up for today’s frustration with everyone I’ve ever met in my whole entire life. Win. 

Bad, terrible, awful news though today.  Money, pain and suffering. Fail. Fail. Fail. 

Almost got in two accidents. First, turning down a street and asshole barreling toward me in the wrong lane. I brake. Almost get rear ended by asshole not paying attention. Second, stopping for dark-cloaked pedestrian who is in NO HURRY to finish jaywalking. Almost get rear-ended again. No collisions. Miraculously. Double win. 

God is nothing but impeccable with Her timing. Never a second too soon with help. But right on time to the dot, I say. 

More to do tonight. Tired but neighbors fighting. Can’t concentrate but can’t sleep either. Fail. 

I tried. I really did.