Caterwauling

I took a short walk today after scarfing in my salad at my desk. 

It’s not as unbearably hot as one would expect for April in Florida. But still. This southern belle needs some unsweet tea, stat. 

I realize I am about five pounds above my weight when I arrived in this town a few years back. And I had felt so tiny and cute then. But now? Chunk-a-lunka, man. 

Back then I was comparatively tiny  to where I was before that. But I can’t imagine carrying around all that weight again. Hell, that extra five pounds has me winded.

And I don’t feel tiny anymore. I mean I feel good and healthy enough for age 40. 

But whenever I get down and think well, this is where I always give up,  I realize it’s too much work to drag this booty around town in this heat. The path of lesser resistance then is to shed an ass cheek or two. 

Weight Watchers asks “What’s your why?” That’s mine.  And also this lovable little beast … And the lady who made that Easter display (Momma, of course) …

Just some thoughts  

1. I think I’m back in love with Florida again. At least, the street I work on. It’s my second-favorite festival of the year this weekend. I got some loot I love, including a platinum (!) anchor ring (to match my $5 silver anchor ring) …

  
Thank you, Delray Affair. Next stop: Sunfest!

2. The scale and I are locked in a battle of wills. I didn’t eat much last week and the scale stayed the same. So yesterday I ate an entire pint of Halo Top vanilla bean ice cream and a massive hunk of avocado toast. And I lost a pound … 

  
Schaeffer’s Tea Room is my favorite for avocado toast. Deck 84 is also awesome. This is from Tryst. Not too shabby although I would rather have had turkey bacon than the real thing. 

3. I got to reconnect with an old friend recently. It’s nice how many people visit Florida and actually want to see a gal. It’s also nice that they knew me when I was fun and social so they can put up with the introvert I’ve become. Nicer still that they try to stay in touch when I am so colossally bad at replying. 

4. I’ve been feeling a little bad about my last post. I mean, I don’t want to seem like I want/need people to be going out of their way to do anything for me. But when you get a happy birthday text and then see the next girl getting a happy birthday vacation, well. You know your place in their universe.  It’s been a good reminder to protect my heart. And my money. 

5. Just leaving this here. How is it that my favorite baseball teams train down here every spring and I haven’t gone to see them?!?! Note to self. Go see a grapefruit game or two next year.  

6. April allergy season and sunburns are no fun. But it sure beats “sprinter” — Spring/Winter and the snowy goodness it brings. Ergo, love me some Florida. Crackhead drivers and tourists and residents and all. 

That moment when you’re feeling bad about cutting someone out of your life. And then seeing them kissing the ass of someone who doesn’t give a fuck about them and remembering the fat lot of nothing they did for you. 

I imagine they don’t wonder why I walked away. But if they do and they look for answers here, that’s why. 

Everyone knows I love me some Hillary. And I adore this Glenn Thrush interview with Hillary Clinton on Politico.

I’m not gonna lie. I am dealing with some major, major stuff right now. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone the depth of it — even my mom.

What I’m worried about, honest to God normal people would never think this could happen to them. It’s not some existential debating — I’m talking bona fide, this shit is in progress.

It’s also out of my hands.

Something Hills said made me feel like the elephant stopped crushing my sternum for a few glorious moments.

Apparently she can sleep through even the most turbulent flights. How?

“I can’t fly the plane; I can’t change the weather — falling asleep, you’ll either wake up and things will be fine or you won’t.”

I mean I don’t know if what is gnawing at me will turn out OK. But I do know it will come to an end, one way or another.

That end might be my sick mom and my sick cat and me on the streets. Or just a whole lot of stress and tension and waiting and wondering for an indefinite period until something eventually goes down. Or maybe nothing much at all.

Anyway, the WaPo calls this the Tao of Hillary. Even for those of you feeling the itch or the burn or whatever your meds haven’t touched, you’ll understand my girl a whole lot more.

You know. So you can vote for her in the general.

Come on, give me something to hope for here!

I got to thinking about a lady I worked with a thousand years ago I called Solitaire. You can probably search the archives for her.

My views on her have changed over the years.

Mind you, I never had much of a problem with her. She liked playing cards. I don’t know whether anyone gave her work to do or if she just liked her cards more than doing work.

My beef was that everyone was perfectly OK with the situation. Meanwhile I worked hard and didn’t feel as special as I was trying to prove I was.

And that rage led me into a web of disaster I couldn’t quite come out of.

I got to thinking about someone else who gets under my skin. I mean I want to rip my brain out of my head, stomp on it three times and shove it back in and hope the memory portion is sufficiently destroyed after an average interaction.

And something occurred to me today that I couldn’t put into words back then.

I don’t know how to NOT notice things.

Maybe it’s a feminine trait. You don’t want to notice that he isn’t the slightest bit interested in your day. Or that he is looking at another girl. Or that other people appear to have some level of favor you can’t figure out how to gain yet. Or that this particular dress really doesn’t fit you quite right. Or that white cake with white icing is really fucking good even if you lie to yourself and swear it’s filled with poison. I notice the little swipes even if they weren’t meant to hurt quite as much as they did. That ain’t being too sensitive — that’s simply being awake.

Trust me. I notice. I notice EVERYTHING.

And unfortunately I have a very hard time NOT COMMENTING on it.

I notice the people who go above/beyond. I welcome the people who email with “oh hey I thought you might need this so I went ahead and did it for you” or “oh hey here’s that thing you requested but I have some more ideas and would love to help you if you would like me to improve it a bit more.” I notice that shit and try to reward it accordingly.

Which makes it all the much harder not to notice its absence.

Don’t get me wrong. You could send me a list of everything you noticed I haven’t achieved. And you might be correct on many accounts. I ain’t no Solitaire and I don’t skate by. But I think I mire myself a little more in the noticing when I need to tune out and notice myself a whole lot more.

If there’s one thing I learned from my Solitaire days, “fair” belongs in no one’s vocabulary. And I think the Solitaire types — and I could be wrong, but I believe my guess is a good one — that they found their own way to make things “fair enough” for themselves.

Maybe they were the go above/beyond people in their day. Maybe they went from noticing everything to trying not to notice anything. Maybe I will be just like them someday.

And maybe I need to just silence my widdle brain now and get back to the business of what I CAN control.

Whatever THAT may be. But, you know. I need to figure it out. And fast.

Interestingly, when I typed “Adulting,” my phone wanted to change it to “daunting.”

Considering that in the past seven days I’ve met with an intellectual property attorney, a tax accountant and a computer forensic examiner, I think my phone picked right. 

Either way, I’ve never used my brain more. It’s the most alive I’ve felt in a long time. 

You get your kicks your way and I’ll get mine, my way. 

Maddie was born 20 years ago today. I still keep this photo next to my bed. 

Miss you, kitten. So very glad you were mine. 

Never fails that when you have something to do, the universe conspires against you. 

Alas, I missed my appointment slot by a good hour and a half today. Somehow I managed to stay calm and perhaps even pleasant.

That’s getting harder for me to do. So, yay me. 

But I tried to be more grateful for someone who tried to help and less furious that I started working three hours earlier than usual for nothing. 

I tried to be grateful for technology cooperating more than usual. And for relative flexibility with the time slot. 

Heck, I even tried not to hate having to be “that person” whose schedule fucks up everyone else’s day because it’s usually my schedule that gets upended. 

Things went well. Got my taxes done, got a pizza, got a coffee and a smoothie. Not good for the scale but all things considered, I had a productive day. 

I always remind myself that every day is a good day. While this one isn’t necessarily feeling great, I’d say it turned out better than most. 

The moment when despite all your best efforts, you miss the one appointment you bothered to make in over a year.