Caterwauling

I’m so used to having just myself and my trusty sidekick, who can do any and everything between the two of us.

Then I got a project in which I have to rely on others.

It’s my own fault that it took me two days to finish my part of the project. I mean, it’s not like I was out partying or celebrating my birthday or anything. I’ve been burning my grey matter something fierce on other projects.

But then when we handed the project over, it stalled.

I remembered it today and started poking. Then someone else who is responsible for it poked me and I’m like yeah I’m poking.

I mean it’s not their fault they didn’t hop right on it. I forgot that not everyone is my trusty sidekick where that’s kind of understood to put out that fire before it becomes a fire.

So now everything is on fire. And it brings me back to why I just need to be able to do everything. I don’t have to inconvenience a soul when I can do it all.

Of course, it’s been one of those weeks (months) in which everything I touch turns to whatever the opposite of gold is. Even the projects where I am the alpha and the omega.

I like to think the “10 cherry tomatoes short of a salad” would collapse with this feeling I feel of just not being enough or doing enough or doing it RIGHT or doing it in the right time frame or saying things the right way or thinking 22 steps ahead because 10 steps ahead isn’t enough.

I mean, they sure lack the charm to help everyone to help them.

On the other hand, maybe being a total dumbass makes you oblivious to the feeling of utter and complete failure. Since it’s kind of a constant in their lives anyway.

I don’t know. But I do know I just bugged out on my birthday lunch to deal with these things. I can’t even get a goddamned lunch date right.

I continue to be amazed at who cares that it’s my birthday. They like me — they really like me! 

I also continue to be amazed that the two people I spent the most time with and spent the most money on can’t be arsed to send a text or use Zuckerberg’s platform. 

I mean, drop a dime and impress me here. Did I mean so little that no feelings or time or financial investment can be acknowledged, or returned in a small way?

Cheapskates. Emotionally or otherwise. Send a Starbucks card if you don’t want to break the emotional or financial bank or bother to get an address right 

Every year I end up cycling through people. This one is no different. 

Last year the team was going to take me to lunch at Brule. It fell through. If not for Lindsey and Sarah, I would have had no birthday at all. 

We went to a cute place that has since closed down. It was s great day. And it was all I did to celebrate turning 41. (And I never did get to Brule. Maybe next year.)

This birthday I took myself out for 20 minutes. You read that story. Didn’t do anything this year. Sarah and Lindsey still reached out but we don’t work in the same place anymore. 

But I have plans with a new friend today. An unexpected invitation. And I am happy for it.

Wonder who will make me sad next year, and wonder who will swoop in and take the pain away …