Respect MAH authoritah!

May 10th, 2016, 8:04 AM by Goddess

My friend and I were having the “why everyone hates reviews” talk recently. He just got a raise and had to go through his annual “well you’re valuable but not all that valuable” that preceded the annual “cost of living” bump. Which, seems like that could have been doled out without all the drama. But, he figures it’s a fair exchange — a few moments of discomfort for the ability to buy an extra cup of coffee each week.

It reminds me of landlords. How even though I try to solve problems, I always have someone calling to tell me that I didn’t do it the way they would have done it. Even though I used my best judgment when surrounded with a crisis that wasn’t anyone else’s emergency.

Like, my landlord not only called to bitch me out, but he had one of his Robert Palmer girls call and lecture me on not solving my own problems. (Because my professional guy cost $150 and his not-bright brother-in-law cost $60.)

That reminds me of when, at my old place, *I* was the annoying upstairs neighbor. I mean sure I didn’t drag bodies across the floor all night and bang the sliding glass doors at every available opportunity because I was running out every five minutes to smoke cigarettes and dope like Islamic Caitlyn Jenner who lives upstairs from me now. But, fire alarms.

My one-time downstairs neighbor Lauranne ran upstairs after the smoke detector in my room was going off for an hour. The batteries were out of it and it was early morning and her baby was in hysterics. She ran into my house to find me on a ladder in my jammies, beating on the thing with a hammer.

She moved out right after that. But the point of the story is that I had called maintenance for help and no one cared. So I called the fire department. That visit cost the building $1,500. Suddenly everyone cared.

Not about me or Lauranne or her baby. But I sure got a lecture on handling things myself.

And the bottom line every time is that where everyone else wasn’t available, I did my thing. And I have a very hard time apologizing for having a working toilet or ending the very loud ringing in my ears that you could hear from six floors below. (And six feet under. Those were a BITCH.)

In any event, this is why I have phone anxiety. It’s why I have review anxiety. It’s why I have nothing but ANXIETY. I mean, it’s one thing if I were a total and complete moron trying to fumble my way through the world. But I’m educated and have a high IQ and I think I’m pretty OK when it comes to decision-making because I at least think out all the consequences.

Yet, in a world where other people get the last say on whether it’s “good enough,” I’d rather move to an island and crack coconuts with my thighs (because, I can) and never hear the thoughts of another living soul again.



Sabotage 

May 9th, 2016, 7:23 PM by Goddess

It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Every time I get to my current weight, I blow it. 

On Saturday I even managed to get to my “first month in Florida” weight. My lowest in seven years. And probably the lowest in 20 years if you want to get technical. 

So Naturally today I sabotaged myself just a tad after a healthy breakfast and lunch. 

It was tasty as hell. Organic wine and organic pizza. 

But I feel like a stuffed piggy with a curly little tail. 

I guess now is the point where I start to put back on the 30 pounds I’ve gained and lost every year for the past seven years. 

But first, I have to go back for prosciutto and arugula pizza. 

And wine. Definitely more wine. 



Insane in the Mercury retrograde

May 8th, 2016, 10:40 PM by Goddess

The definition of insanity is of course doing the same things again and again, in anticipation of a different result. 

Retrograde, and especially this cycle, brings up old and and resolved issues for you to face them head-on. You know, instead of leaving them in the past where they belong. 

In other words, insanity. 

I’ve been having landlord issues again. The resolution is that it’s time to go. I mean it this time. 

Consider that a week ago, my mover butt-dialed me. Which I wasn’t aware one could do with smartphones. But I knew it was a sign.

The next day, two toilets broke and I got in another fight with Scumby the Holy Rolling Handyman. I ended up hiring a pro and instead of biting the cost like my lease says I should, I deducted it from the rent. Hell and warfare ensued. 

I knew the mover calling was a sign.  So for yuks, I found a place in Boca I like. My realtor is seeing if it’s still available. 

What else? Snow White’s Band of Married Men is a good place to start. Especially now that some of them aren’t anymore. Not gonna worry about that until I see a white horse waiting outside this dump. But that would require me giving out my address. Which, fat chance because I’m moving!

Some old work issues have resurfaced too. This retrograde cycle hasn’t been bad; it’s just like the Ghost of Christmas Past. Old issues, new faces. And old issues and old faces too. Another day, another incredibly shrinking paycheck.

The more things change …



Home sweet hell

May 7th, 2016, 11:13 AM by Goddess

Was out walking the ‘hood last night after a bottle or three of wine with friends down the street. 

Dump 2.0 is great at night when the asshole dogs and the assholier dog owners are nowhere to be found. 


Then you get home at 2 am and the jagoff upstairs is rolling oil drums at 3 and building metal aircraft at 5 and jazzercizing at 6:30. And the case is once again made to burn the morhetfucker to the ground. 



‘Though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along’

May 4th, 2016, 12:24 PM by Goddess

I’m still mad at the world over Lauren. I mean, if someone so beautiful and kind and smart doesn’t feel like she deserves to live, I mean what the fuck are the rest doing here?

I was pontificating that when I got my answer.

Lauren left the world … and Summer was born.

Just like when Alyson died … Fiona arrived.

Just like when my friend’s mom passed, her cousin had a baby just minutes later.

I don’t mean to say there’s a finite number of souls available. It’s just that the void they leave behind always closes quickly.

I mean, after Leanne died, her would-be fiancé went on to marry a nice girl and have three babies.

But it’s the other things that happen afterward — that might have happened anyway if you hadn’t lost someone — the things maybe that you NOTICE that can define entire days.

I’ll give you another set of random coincidences.

Another busy day. I didn’t have time, but I ran to the post office. There, I had full intentions on running next door to play the lottery. And yet when I came out, I totally blanked and just walked toward my favorite lunch place.

The place I had told one of my BFFs about just yesterday.

I hadn’t seen her in a while. But when I walked in, THERE SHE WAS.

We talked for a good half-hour. It was divine.

Sure I came back to the ever-mounting pile. But it’s OK. I have a lot more pep in my heavy-hearted step than I did an hour earlier. And that will help me to hopefully sail through the things I’ve got to somehow get done by day’s end.

At least, in enough time to get back and buy my chance to win those millions.

In glancing back at those blog posts, I always do or want to do something big to commemorate the light that went out. Leanne inspired my move to Florida. Alyson inspired me to take care of my health (down 30 pounds total. WHAT).

As for Lauren’s legacy in my life, I don’t know yet. I want to move to Orlando. Or at least out of Braddock Beach.

I want love. The real, throw you up against a wall and make you feel every pore in your body tingle kind. I know most boys (and all of MY boys) want the girl who won’t leave them — the one who will be home waiting because she can’t or won’t try to do any better. They don’t want the one with her soul on fire who they have to work hard to keep.

I don’t know that there IS anyone out there who COULD work that hard for me. Or would. God knows I’ve been wondering when one of these guys would show up at PBI with the sense somehow knocked into them.

In any event. I want the happiest place on earth to be wherever I’m at.

Lauren, I owe you that.

And I’ll try to find the peace you pretended to have but could never really find.



Lauren

May 3rd, 2016, 5:28 PM by Goddess

Sigh.

One of my old colleagues died.

And lest you think “old” and “long life lived,” let me correct that mindset.

She was young and beautiful and blonde and full of life and always always ALWAYS had a sweet smile and comment for everyone.

We haven’t seen each other in years. But she liked a lot of my Facebook photos and left thoughtful and kind comments when the mood struck. Which, given how beautiful and kind and popular and world-traveler-y as she was, was surprisingly often.

I am super-sad I didn’t get to know her as well as I could.

BUT …

There were a whole bunch of shitheads who were turned off by her beauty. Granted, she didn’t exactly dress in traditional office-wear. She always looked like she was one clothing item away from stripping and going to the beach.

I loved that about her.

She didn’t see her beauty. I mean, maybe she did. But she seemed to love life and it loved her right on back.

Her sister had a baby a few years back. And the baby’s father died very young. So my friend packed up everything and went to be with them. That’s how good a person she is.

I heard she was coming back to town not just a week ago. She checked in from someplace in northern Florida. I figured she was on her way.

She never made it. And, from what I’m gathering, that was her own choice.

I. Am. NOT. OK.

I reached out to the friend who introduced us. I said I can’t picture this crazy world without her helping to make it turn.

Maybe he’ll tell me more. Or confirm what I hope I don’t really know.

Either way.

Lauren, sending you SO MUCH LOVE from our old office in Delray Beach.

Too little too late. But it was always there.

Everyone else, “love the one you’re with” if you must. But maybe just maybe grow a set and love the one you REALLY love — and let them know it and FEEL IT.

You’d be real surprised to know they might have been hoping you’d say just that all along.



Southern charm

May 3rd, 2016, 1:16 PM by Goddess

So mom and I watch “Southern Charm.” On last night’s episode, Landon claimed that she invited Evil Kathryn to Shep’s birthday party. But then everyone (who HATES Kathryn) called her to ask why she wasn’t there. And the jig was up — Landon didn’t want to invite drama.

Shep was pissed because he’s all about inclusion. But I’m Team Landon on this one.

I say it because I’m lucky enough to be on an invite list for an event this week. And I noticed the absence of my own Kathryn. Now … do I stay in Landon character, or be the better (Shep) person and open my mouth?

Honestly this person usually forwards all my notes to someone else to handle them. So perhaps if they forwarded the invite too, it would be a win-win all around. Although, I’ve never quite met anyone who loves lunch as much as our Kathryn …



Braddock Beach

May 3rd, 2016, 8:49 AM by Goddess

I grew up a couple miles south of Pittsburgh. I moved to the city for college and claim it as my hometown. Because, seriously, who the hell has heard of White Oak, Pa.?

However, I was born in the projects. West Mifflin, specifically. And I was very familiar with other bad areas like Rankin, Wilkinsburg, East Liberty (worked there) and Braddock. Spent lots of time passing through each.

We didn’t have money for much of anything, let alone vacations. My grandfather would joke that we’d go to “Braddock Beach” on holiday. Braddock had no beach. Just the giardiasis-infested waters of the Monongahela River.

I find myself in Boynton Beach, Fla., these days. I hate it. Absolutely abhor it. With rare exception, the people and apartments and cops are something I cannot WAIT to leave behind.

I call it Braddock Beach. Because, we do have a beach but we also have Braddock right on it.

I have stories to tell but it’s one of my busiest work weeks in a while. But I wanted to post this here because now you know where to find me. And where NEVER TO MOVE EVER EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.



‘It’s time we all reach out for something new …’

May 2nd, 2016, 9:15 AM by Goddess

I posted a video of Evanescence covering “Purple Rain” over at Faceypages. Go watch.

It’s public, so you don’t have to be my friend. Unless I’ve blocked you. In which case, sucks to be you.

That cover/song is my everything.

It’s not that Prince was my all-time favorite artist. But he was a constant for the ’60s- and ’70s-born set. No party was complete without him. Every heartbreak could find solace in his songs. He was just THERE for all of it.

“I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.”

I don’t even need to look up those lyrics. I’ve sung that song a million times to a half-dozen different people. In my mind, anyway.

I got to thinking about someone as I listened and recorded and tried not to bawl. Because, holy shit Amy Lee is A-MA-ZING.

Maybe it was the culmination of someones and my brain was putting together its own video reel as I listened and tried not to collapse from the hundred-degree heat and the thousand-degree fire inside my heart.

But it always seems like I find relationship-oriented people. Just not when it comes to me.

It’s OK. I’m less of a relationship type than any of them. Maybe they figured that out about me long before I did.

Doesn’t stop the occasional moment of “what if” from punching me in the face, though.

Luckily I’m only black-and-blue on the inside. And you’ll never know I’m missing you so much right now, I can’t even breathe.

And “you” is a surprising mix of three people I never, ever thought I’d think that about. Independently or all at once.



Why I love Sunfest

May 2nd, 2016, 6:00 AM by Goddess

Well other than getting to see Evanescence rock the house last night …


Last Sunfest, we had just parted ways with some folks at work. Projects that took 45 hours a week, on top of my regular duties, were suddenly gone. 

It was a weekend of celebration then. And now. 

I wrapped up four projects, the worst of which I wrapped up on Friday. And one of those projects used to mean I had to wake up at 5 am on Mondays.  No more. 

Granted my body woke me up anyway today. But it’s ok. Coffee and WW Connect filled that space. 

And damn, guess who walked 20 miles this weekend at the festival? This girl!!!!