Caterwauling

Awakened way too early but it was going to be a good day because I fit into shorts I’ve been hoping to fit into. 

I decided to stay positive and not think much about the biological father. No pox cast upon his house. Am lovely person. 

Then it could have gone to pot. My new Keurig decided to go and die on me. But I had already gotten one cup of coffee out of it AND the company is sending a replacement in 7 biz days to work. Hell, as long as I stay employed, this is all good news to me. 

Then I went to Starbucks only to find they’ve discontinued mom’s shaken sweet tea. And the day went to shit. 

She was upset that I wasted money on another drink. Then every lunch place was crowded. Then the heavens opened up and I had a miserable drive to our faraway favorite food place. 

I got lucky there. Excellent  parking and a prime outdoor table to enjoy the rain that stopped for just as long as it took me to pound a beer and snarf in a salad. 

Went to the beach. It rained. Didn’t get out of the car. Drove north. Mom wanted to try another beach. 

Sirens.

Goddamn Braddock Beach cop gave me a big fat fucking ticket …

For going too slow. 

That’s right. Too slow. On the goddamned A1A. 

I hate beach cops.

I have had nonstop anxiety since the last bastard said I didn’t stop at a stop sign and I did. 

He almost rear-ended me. As did the asshole before him who pulled me over claiming he smelled pot. 

I know a million gun-toting, pot-smoking people who drive too fast/slow and don’t have as many points on their license as I do. 

It’s because of the car. It’s old. It looks old. You don’t see Beamers and Benzes and Bentleys pulled over by Mayberry’s finest. 

My car is all I have from my grandfather. And it appears the only way to stop getting ticketed is to leave town or get a new car. 

That’s what I don’t get. The tickets and the points every goddamned time. It’s not like I broke any laws any time. 

I even said Jesus. I almost get wiped off the road by the people you don’t dare bother to pull over. What, you only pick on a girl you can catch and bully?

Hey I was already getting the ticket. I figured I should earn that sumbitch. I even blew through the next stop sign, in honor of the last asshole.  

I keep having the same problems over and over again. I know I need to change my reactions so I can advance to better things. (Or more advanced problems.)

But how, when you know truly awful people enjoying their Father’s Day and your good day ended before 10 am?

I met my biological father for the first and last time when I turned 18.  

I wore my favorite olive green outfit that matched my eyes. He wore a bright blue polo that matched his eyes. 

The night was fine. I had a photo from it that I shredded after he denied me and said he didn’t want to be in my life even now. 

I often wondered if it didn’t matter that I graduated with a near-4.0 and got into a good school. I wondered if he was disgusted that I wasn’t skinny. 

I weighed way less then than I do now. But I think a part of me figured that I’d never be good enough for him at any weight. 

Just like his stupid skinny self wasn’t good enough for me since he was a horrible person inside. 

Anyway. Today is the annual “fuck him” day. Father’s Day is for real men, so sit down, pipsqueak. 

And not that you care, asshole, but I continue to do just fine without you. 

I’m a long way from where I want to be. But I’m closer than I’ve ever been. Can you say the same?