Caterwauling

I canceled the key west hotel. Not sure of the refund policy. But who cares. Fuck it. Just don’t speak to me right now …

I booked a few days in key west for mom’s birfday. This after I wanted to take days off for my birfday but someone else claimed a vacation on those days first. 

Now I have a hotel booked and someone else took those days off before I asked for the time. 

Now I’ve got a non refundable hotel stay I can’t even enjoy. 

This and losing out on money to see an event at the Kravis Center is pissing me off. 

I mean it’s my own fault. But still. I am so very very tired of being accommodating to the point where I break. 

Welp. Missing a concert in WPB tonight. At least I didn’t lose $100 like I did when I missed PostSecret at the Kravis Center. 

Maybe a little Californication will make it better. 

So what if I lost some pounds. The past four weeks have been hell.

Between interrupted sleep and a return to the 70-hour workweek, which still isn’t enough hours, my anxiety has anxiety. 

I remember when the last place let me go. It was weird to suddenly have all those hours back. 

I mean, I hadn’t wanted all of them back. Maybe just 10 or 12 or so. And all that really happened was one anxiety (endless to-dos) was replaced by another (ending income).

I didn’t really enjoy that shining moment though when the first set of problems were no longer mine. I really should have.  

Last night I was so stressed, I walked around the corner to my favorite cantina. Two margaritas later (pounded in less than 10 minutes), I felt almost human again. 

This is why I’m fat. Stress and booze.  Here’s to being able to afford booze because a carrot just wasn’t going to cut it after this week’s two-day fun-fest …

No matter how hard you try or how many hours you work or how much you fret about everything, it’s never really enough.

But then every once in a while you get a moment like this.

Just now, from one of my boys …

You are a rock star. While I don’t ever say “please” and sometimes forget “thank you,” I always appreciate how you hustle for me!

What he will never know is that I am the one who’s grateful for the opportunity. Every single day of my life. 

I keep saying I want to do better and be a better person. As if saying it out loud makes it so.

It’s been a very hard couple of days. Everything has been harder than it should be. It’s my fault for not moving my part along faster last week. As if fault can be assigned for prioritizing other urgent things. But the definition of urgent is a wide one. I know this.

Alas, things have come together. Finally. And I’m calling upon the heavens to help me show the grace that has been shown to me in the past … and for grace to be shown to me again for everything that didn’t get the love it deserved in the meantime.

I feel a massive shift is coming. I’m trying not to fear it. But I’m at the point where I have a great team … I kind of sort of don’t hate where I live … the car is fine *knock on wood* … Mom isn’t at her best but not her worst … and the cat is sickly but in good spirits … and this is the best combination of circumstances I’ve ever had in my life.

Lord, let me enjoy the peace while I have it.