Caterwauling

Today was mom’s actual birthday. 59. With the health of a 103-year-old. 

She asked to join me to feed the ducks. Which I haven’t done in a few days. We have so many now. I buy seed in bulk but they’re starving. It’s never enough. She gets depressed about that, and I don’t want to deal. 

She must feel the same way when I mention certain names as I do when she talks about neighbors or ducks. 

She also wanted to come to the mailbox in our clubhouse. Naturally her friends are as useful as mine, as the usual suspects were absent as usual with their birthday cards. This after I fussed over her BFF just last week. 

Except …

There was a card from Uncle Tom. Sent Friday, pre-holiday weekend, so he could get it to her on her day. 

We sat at the pool and cried. He died Sunday as far as we know. Maybe sooner. 

And it was so hard for him to get to a mailbox at 86 with his health.  

But he did it. For her. 

If there’s a heaven, he’s in it. I thanked him for showing love to her when no one else did/has. 

She would murder me for taking this pic. She held onto his letter for an hour, unopened. It struck me when she said, there’s no one to send a thank-you to anymore. 

She thanked him for every note. She loved seeing his handwriting. And he came to worry if there was a delay in getting a note from her. Which was rare. Her etiquette is pretty impeccable. 

They were pen pals for 10 years. 

I don’t know if she’s opened that letter yet. I won’t ask. I’m just so happy she received it. 

Thank you, Uncle Tom. Love you bunches. Thank you for loving my momma so much. 

Coming back to work after five working days (10 full days, thank you Labor Day) away is like letting a mental patient back into society.

Sure, I was up and dressed and at my perch on time. I had my to-do list ready with seven things but with certain plans to knock out three of them.

And then, “oh hey we’re launching a project tomorrow” was said to someone else. And that matters to me. (So glad I heard it.) That’s because I have a couple parts in it that I haven’t done because I didn’t know when it was launching. And my part in it is pretty timely.

While it was no big deal, and I banged the bulk of it out by 1 p.m., I feel … fragile. Like, whoa. Needed just a little warning there. Don’t disturb the crazy person yet.

(Now to do those other three big things …)

I mean, I’m glad no one asked me about it last week. Facebook Memories reminds me quite clearly that I was working during several holidays past. But it’s very weird how completely off it threw me.

And I felt my quelled anxiety bubble to the surface again. Which is weird because this is no big deal and I could do this in my sleep. Truly.

But this was a big day. Of the last 10 days, I wore makeup once. Fixed my hair exactly zero times. Wore nothing but shorts and halters and Coppertone dry oil with SPF 12. Today? Makeup, hair, outfit, and brain usage. No sliding into it!

Actually I’m pretty lucky. It’s a more creative environment. No need for suits and “stupid shoes” (my name for things that pinch and make you bleed). If you want to get up and walk around, you get up and walk around. Hungry? Undercaffeinated? Fix it at your earliest convenience. Etc.

It made me think of quite a few high achievers I knew who went off-course, shall we say. I never quite knew how to address them after that. Didn’t want to be the reason they got knocked off the wagon or regressed.

So I took a little walk. Couldn’t be a long one, but better than nothing. Grabbed my worry stone and started rubbing. Took this little brain break to bang out this incoherence. And now, back to it for as long as my body can handle.

Interesting how my brain is just fine. Alive, alert, ready and even hungry. But my body? In near-rebellion mode. And I have no idea how to get them back into sync …