Caterwauling

May 25

33rd birthday / 43rd birthday 

+/- 100 lbs difference

#beforeandduring 

Amid the worst month of my life, there were some bright spots. Thanks, of all things, to my birthday. 

My good friend decorated my new, well I wouldn’t call it a cube. More like a desk in a fishbowl in a hallway that has odors that make my eyes water. But it was filled with balloons and signs and homemade cupcakes to share. And a cute little special box of cupcakes to take home to mom. 

It brought two lunches with friends. In the same week, holy shit. The only lunches I had last week. 

And two more to come, I hope. Although one will never happen. 

There are two of us who aren’t allowed to eat at the same time. So I often miss lunch entirely because I can’t leave when I have time. She got us special permission to eat together on my birthday but I already had plans. So we lost out. And will likely never get that blessing again. 

(No one else has missed a meal yet. Least of all the decider.) And we all know I’ve had like three lunch hours a YEAR before this. It’s not like I have used the time afforded to me, let alone abused it. But it hurts when I am sitting there alone and the whole rest of the department gets their hour at the same time and by the time I am able to go, I’ve gotten busy again. She’s out most of July. Guess I’ll starve to death.)

In any event, I also got a big surprise day trip yesterday. Did not expect that at all. Pleasant adventure all around. 

I’m used to being good to people and never having a soul even acknowledge me. I’m not used to people being good to me. I don’t even know how to react. 

Maybe folks know I’m depressed and one more missed lunch away from walking out. 

I don’t know. I just know I’m grateful that I know some pretty awesome people who care about me.