Caterwauling

“Gritting your teeth, you hold onto me
It’s never enough, I’m never complete
Tell me to prove, expect me to lose
I push it away, I’m trying to move
Hoping for more, and wishing for less
When I didn’t care was when I did best
I’m desperate to run, I’m desperate to leave
If I lose it all, at least I’ll be free.”

— Broods, “Free”

When my bosses came to me with really, the worst idea ever, I said, “Over my dead body will I (insert what I was asked to do).”

For the girl who did everything asked of her, and then some, for the past six years (40 years, but who’s counting?), they were stunned.

I didn’t elaborate. But come on over to my desk (and everybody does because I’m hilarious), and I will HAPPILY fill you in.

We all had a good old time today when I did what I needed to do for a long time. Not what was asked of me. But what I should have done to prevent that even being an option in the first place.

I told the bosses about it. Like I’d said, over my dead body. Now that is no longer an option because there are literally no choices in the matter left. The one said, “OK” and we talked about that nitwit Trump’s nitwit “shithole” comment instead.

I mean, really, it’s their problem. It always was. I’m sorry I can’t help. And I’m grateful that I don’t have to explain why #timesup on this particular “thing.”

“I have lived my life so perfectly
Kept to all my lines so carefully
I’d lose everything so I can sing
Hallelujah, I’m free
I’m free, I’m free
I’m free, I’m free, I’m free
Hallelujah, I’m free.”

I asked my friend if I could be fired for this. She said who knows. But wouldn’t it be worth it to never, ever have to even think about it ever again?

It’s a good day to be me.

Instead of bitching about the lying sack of shit who bugged my office and still thinks I’ll jump upon request and that I am keeping folks from worshiping him after he treated THEM like garbage, too …

I’ll type about something that made me cry in a GOOD way today.

“When I was a child, it was up to me to feed our family because my father couldn’t work. I had a job at a motorcycle repair shop. Everyone would sit at home and wait for me to make money. Once we almost ran out of food. We didn’t have a single rupee and there was nothing to eat. I could handle it, but I couldn’t bear the thought of my baby sister going to sleep hungry. I sat at my shop all day, praying for a customer. But nobody came. Then just as night was falling, a man drove up with a puncture in his tire. The price of the repair was three rupees. But when I was finished, the man handed me twenty rupees and drove away. I was able to buy two kilograms of rice. My entire life turned around that day. My shop became very busy. We were never hungry again. Even today I think about that man. I never saw his face. He changed not just my life, but the lives of my entire family. I wonder who he was. Sometimes I think it was God himself.” (Mumbai, India)

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on Jan 10, 2018 at 10:51am PSTMy favorite comment is that “We all get to meet God at some point. We just don’t know it.” For the story writer, it was the customer whose generosity changed his fortune.

I think we all get to meet Satan at some point. (See “bugged office.” Also see, “that’s why everyone but me was allowed to work from home so he could whack off to the sound of my silence.”)

But I do think God is one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus. Hey that might make for a great song!

This one hit me hard because that’s me — I take care of the family.

I always knew I’d be the one to do that. I knew I had to get a good education and a good job because the buck would stop here sooner rather than later.

That’s why I get so enraged about certain stuff. I’ll be fine. You don’t get to damage me beyond the shorter term. But anything that messes with my personal economy and my FAMILY, it’s on like Donkey Kong.

But I say all of this to say I think I saw God yesterday. Details forthcoming. But I am looking very forward to being able to say that life has some good surprises in store, and not just for those who don’t deserve them.