Caterwauling

“Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way.

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away.”

— Joni Mitchell, “Both Sides Now”

I told you my life is a Joni album.

Had a flash of genius on the highway this morning. I knew exactly how to finish a reference I owed someone. And I knew exactly to whom to send it.

Yes, I am a girl’s girl. “Goddess’ boys” are legendary in this field. But my girls? They are MUCH fewer in number. But just as amazing.

I reached out to T. I said look, it’s Valentine’s Day and I want to play Corporate Cupid. Would you consider JT to take the job I was stupid enough to walk away from? Oh by the way, here’s her resume and a glowing reference.

He said yeah, would you make the introduction? And I did and she was thrilled and so was he. About 10 emails later, I’ve made a love connection and they have an interview next week.

Today was my friend/cubemate D’s last day. I said I think I helped two people today. She said, Goddess, you helped three …

You helped your friend who needs a job … you helped the guy who was planning to hire you and who you feel you left in a lurch … and you helped yourself.

“The guilt has been killing you,” she pointed out. “You just solved a problem you haven’t been able to shake the guilt of creating.”

I told her this was the right thing to do. But it really closes the door to me changing my mind and getting the fuck out of Dodge at the 11th hour.

But she’s right. I am so, so happy to do a very good deed for two people I absolutely adore.

I didn’t have a great day. It wasn’t bad. Just, a clusterfuck in the last half-hour. Exactly what I wanted to avoid by leaving.

But, I always do pick the bad boy. The one who leaves me confused and crazy. And I was able to overcome feeling insane and heartbroken about hurting the good guy by sending him a good girl.

I think I’m a good girl. But not that good. I’m definitely drama and trouble. I’m exactly where I need to be, in that regard.

In any event, today is the day I stopped feeling like shit. And started accepting that this is my path.

The thing is, Mom always gets mad at me for helping everyone but myself. But my good karma is paying off. So is everyone’s that I know. And people like LVP are drowning in their karma, too. And we are all cognizant of that, too.

I finally, for the first time, feel like I am going to be OK. Filled with drama and insanity and unpredictability and scrambling and rushing and heart palpitations, yes.

But really, would I be able to survive in calm and predictable and reliable and happy like T. was offering? No. Fucking. Way.

But JT will be a perfect match. Calm, steady, not bored to absolute tears after mastering something in 10 minutes.

I did good. A lot of good.

Add matchmaker to my crazy skill set.

This probably closes the door forever to me going back. But it’s OK. I bet the guy gives me a great reference when it’s time to move on. He’s just that kind of guy. Just one I will have to love from afar now. But one I will love as someone I let get away just the same.

My life is a Joni Mitchell album.

When I was interviewing with T., he kept talking about profit-sharing. Like, stick with me and you’ll own part of this empire.

I heard that from LVP, and I said so. We all know what a world-class liar LVP is.

T said well yeah. But LVP didn’t even own the biz. Not his place to promise you jack. I however do have that power. Mission 1: Serve the customers great stuff you can be proud of. Mission 2: Share in the profits and keep the team small to keep the profits bigger.

I told him that it all sounded like a Joni Mitchell song. Cue up some “Cactus Tree”:

“He has seen her at the office
With her name on all his papers
Through the sharing of the profits
He will find it hard to shake her
From his memory
And she’s so busy being free.”

I meant that in the best way possible.

Here in post-breakup/stayed with the guy you finally got brave enough to leave land, cue “A Case of You”:

“Go to him
Stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed.
Oh but you are in my blood
You’re my holy wine
You’re so bitter
Bitter and so sweet.”

Monday night, I was up with a never-ending series of panic attacks.

But Tuesday was OK. Calm. The only thing that annoyed me was getting into a fight with someone about why I don’t want to move my computer into my new office RIGHT THIS SECOND. And then telling her fine, I will pick out some whiteboards. Where do I want them? I dunno, I guess here. Then being told I was making a bad choice and she would put them THERE. Oh and I should have more furniture — look how bare it is in here. And what make you face the desk to the window like that — you moved that yourself?!

NO NO NO.

I’ve had plenty enough with men putting doubt in my head. Two men saying don’t go to the other. Men historically underpaying me and telling me to be grateful. Men basically forbidding me from having a break or a life but not missing a moment of theirs. Don’t you start any kind of “mean girl” crap with me because I have enough swirling around in my squash.

Speaking of mean girls …

I really thought my recent boss was going to be a mean girl. We got off to a rocky start. I get why now. She loved my sarcasm but didn’t want it to affect her girls. Girls she took care of and helped and promoted and really gave a fighting chance to.

Girls who won’t return her calls or agree to go to a happy hour in her honor that I am trying to pull together.

Bitches. Good to see what I’m REALLY up against.

My boss is a total girl’s girl. She prepared me for the fight of my life. Her friendship was genuine and her advice was spot-on. I got the result I wanted. I’m pretty sure it was the result SHE wanted.

You know who’s coming to that happy hour? MY friends. My two amazing friends who got nothing from her but who love and respect her because she is a good person who was good to ME.

Moral to this story — I wanted to leave with my friends. I loved us all quitting on the same day. But we will still all be friends for at least a short, and hopefully a long, time to come.

This place brought us together. It didn’t turn out the way any of us thought it would. I mean, I joined first and I’m watching them go and I’m staying to run the place.

It’s mind-boggling. Just in November, I had joked that, when I was being laid off, I’d stay and keep working without the paycheck like Milton in “Office Space.”

Shit, my new office is our old Storage Room B that they cleared out because they realized a woman needs a room of her own. Who says you don’t speak your own fate into existence?

In any event, behind every man — great or otherwise — is a group of girlfriends like us. And which man doesn’t matter. It’s honoring those who helped us and then helping the next generation that will be what defines our success.