Caterwauling

The devil was a close friend of mine. I’m not afraid of him.

When you’ve been through hell, at least you know the way around.

And out.

I’d sooner have the devil twirl me around again than spend another minute thinking about the answers I’ll never get.

Or the apologies I’ll never give.

Does it ever end?

I gave him back.

I got out of town.

I gave up a life I loved.

And started a new one.

So you could get over

Your insecurities.

What else do you want?

Are you upset that

I’ll grow and thrive

Everywhere I go?

Or are you maybe wishing

I’ll come back for him

So you’ll find reason

To rage all over again?

I say it all the time. you find exactly what you are looking for, wherever you go.

I see love.

Rainbows.

Clouds with big, bold streaks of silver.

Hearts that can be lifted with a smile or filled to overflowing with a hug.

Lips waiting to be kissed by the right person or maybe even the wrong one …

Just for that brief, delicious moment of soul connection we all crave.

Yeah I see darker orbs, too. Quivers filled with daggers. Choices that promise a moment of joy but a night of hurt that they will choose every time.

But I also see the light around them that they snuff out at every available opportunity.

Light through the holes they bore in others.

Put down the drill.

Choose light.

Choose love.

So someone who wants to see good will see you.

Hello Lent. I ate all the chocolate in all the lands yesterday for you. Although I do still have some medicinal brownies. I’ll just be over here putting the hash in hashtag.

Speaking of the next 40 days …

I don’t think our modern-day Jesus (or She-sus — although I ain’t that woke. Or awake, for that matter) would like the lack mindset of “giving up.”

Surrendering something you love just makes you miss it. It reminds you of when you were able to enjoy it.

Which makes you crave it more. Because you remember how lucky you were when she was yours.

Especially because the universe hates a void. Something always fills it. Might as well be something great.

In any event, I gave up quite enough in recent months. The rest gave up on me. 

This year, my intention for Lent is to get back to the healthy habits that got me to my lowest weight.

I was at my healthiest this time last year. Life was so simple then. I was just a nice girl in pretty dresses with a job she loved.

And it’s not that boys pick the nice girls, or if we even want them to. But I would like to feel good in those dresses again.

Now to see which of those dresses still fit for today’s lunch meeting at a bar …

Tealight and tourmaline isn’t too far off from what I did last night.

The new moon in Pisces is the last one of the cycle.

This is a weird new moon because it’s in Mercury retrograde. Which surprisingly hasn’t bothered me that much this time around.

It’ll be a weird full moon too. I’ve been advised not to charge my crystals under the Rx full moon. I don’t know why but hey, my life is on a good path and I’m not taking any chances.

In any event, the Pisces new moon is one where love and money is on our minds.

This is one for not just specific intentions (name the person you love, or the dollar amount you want, etc.) … but also you do NOT want to name any NEW intentions.

So basically, the new moon in Pisces (and Rx) is one for manifesting your OLD desires and goals.

It’s for deciding who and what to commit to. Again, specifically.

I might or might not have looked like the meme above.

Easiest new moon ritual ever — gather all the intentions you wrote down last year that haven’t yet been fulfilled.

Looking back over my spell books over the past year, I was pleased at just how many of mine came into being.

Almost like I reaped the rewards just for writing them down.

I came up with 37 intentions that haven’t manifested yet. But lots were moonshots, so I’m not worried.

I’m surprised how many moon landings I made last year too, just for asking for them.

I wish I could share my intentions here. But that’s the thing about intentions. I’m asking for mine for my own good and the good of those around me. Some folks miss that step.

But I will reveal Intention 36: to never think of HC again. To reclaim that time. And I wrote how I plan to reclaim that time.

Look at me, getting zen and organized and shit.

This moon magic is working already!

I just switched jobs and I realize what an economic privilege that is.

I say that because I pulled this card today, the Ace of Pentacles / Coins reversed. And once again, the tarot clearly can read my mind …

Over the years, I’ve been afraid of being let go. For financial reasons or a jerk with a grudge creating problems and employers needing peace too.

But I’ve been even more terrified of applying for something, getting it … and having to live 1-3 weeks without a payday.

Then you have to worry whether the new place even has the money to pay you. Or whether you were just a shiny new trade and it’s First In, First Out when they hit rough waters. Or if you are even a fit in the first place.

In any event, I say this as someone who just collected her last paycheck at her beloved job and gets her first shiny new check at the end of this week.

A trapeze artist, as it were, leaving the swing and tumbling midair — waiting for that next bar to meet my hands.

And it’s fine.

I have savings. I have a brokerage account. I have a 401(k). Plus a mattress stash that’s supposed to be for a couch but I just haven’t felt secure enough to commit to one yet. After a year. But who’s counting, really?

But hey. You know what a scarcity mindset manifests as? Scarcity!

In other words, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Hopefully for a long, long time.

But damn, that scarcity mindset is a bigger foe than a guy driving around your neighborhood with a Jason Voorhies mask.

In any event, how many people decide NOT to make the leap because they’re afraid to take a financial risk like this?

Money provides such freedom.

I’d like a little more of that freedom.

A lot more.

I bet my life would be a lot different now if they knew how much freedom I plan to secure … and soon.

The shiny new work-from-home job is GREAT … except for the CONSTANT CONSTRUCTION here at the Rock of Fraggles.

I’m temped to lease a second apartment till this shit gets done. At the very least, to secure a co-working space. Although that’s terrible to leave mom here while I go get some damn peace.

Again, it’s nice to have options. And lots of them.

Trying to learn anything about anything on Teh Intarwebz has been a source of frustration.

So I’ll create my own witchy little database right here.

I think the Two of Wands can also be the Trader Card.

Trader Tarot. Should totally be A Thing.

You have a hard choice to make about something you’ve invested in. What you have isn’t working for you. Inspiration abounds. The world beckons. Write your plans. Trade out, trade up, double down or go to cash and breathe?

They asked for 65 days why I gave up.

On day 65, they stopped asking.

The reason gave them their answer.

Speaking of someone’s need to be an ass-pain backfiring yet again, she should have just let people find a moment of happiness in this bitter world.

It would have ended on its own.

And probably pleasantly.

You know, in a way that wouldn’t leave us all thinking for the rest of our lives about it.

A friend baked some special brownies for mom, and I didn’t mention just how special they were. She’s been tripping for two days and declared, nope, I am not touching the rest.

Well, I could stand to get out of my head. And I am well aware of how much extra-special she injects into her baked goods.

Let me tell you. I don’t know what Massachusetts is putting into its weed, but I tripped my whole way down memory lane yesterday.

The whole way.

Memories came flooding back that I’d long forgotten. Just from last year!

I couldn’t feel my face. Or my legs. So I went with it.

I never understood what makes one reach out and try to make nice with someone who’s hurt them.

But damn.

When you’re wearing a virtual, virtual-reality helmet, it makes the heart soft in spots.

When I could sit upright, I compared old photos to new ones. Such a difference. In both of us.

How do you #makenewmemories where wonderful ones already existed?

Not long ago, I asked where the butterflies go when we no longer feel them.

Today I wonder where the light in our eyes goes.

Butterflies die and lights go out.

But memories remain. More vivid than the sun I’m staring at right now.

No one can take those away. They are frozen in time, preserved in amber, locked in a time capsule.

I’m taking back the narrative. Inserting myself back in.

Call me Eliza Hamilton.

I always thought Sia would tell my story. But I somehow outlived her.

So I’ll tell hers. Mine. Everyone’s.

Yours.

“Oh, I can’t wait to see you again
It’s only a matter of time
Will they tell your story? (Time)
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story? (Time)
Will they tell your story? (Time)
Who lives, who dies who tells your story?“