Caterwauling

On the sixth day of December, the tarot advent calendar said to me …

Luck is on your side today. The Universe is looking to see how serious you really are about something.

I have an uneasy peace with the Wheel of Fortune. It’s generally a good card.

Laymen take it as a sign that changes are coming; the Ferris wheel of life is always turning, so take heart if you’re in a rut.

I’ve always taken it the opposite way. That things are going well and that flow could turn into an ebb real fast.

I guess that’s because that’s what’s always happened when I pulled this card.

The last couple times I had a question about health or career stability, I pulled this bitch and sure enough got a diagnosis and a pink slip.

Hard pass, Grimace.

But when I zoom out to 30,000 feet, I see that wheels have been good to me. The mysteries got removed. The things that weren’t meant to be mine went away.

Even though the losses were profound, there was a lightness that came with leaving behind a load that wasn’t mine to carry.

The last time I got the wheel, I got shitcanned and, shortly after, got the offer to return to my old job. Which I took.

The people who had lured me to my previous job put me down for returning to the job before that.

That’s right, people who did nothing to help me keep said job were somehow angry that I went running back to the old-old job when asked.

This proved a theory I had had all along — that they did their level best to lure me away for some sinister reason.

I mean, it’s no secret that my boss and I were buddies and these others didn’t like or appreciate him or his ways.

I know they loved screwing him by stealing me and then someone after me.

And I know they wished I found something new rather than running back.

I wasn’t ready, you know? I was missing him/that place anyway. I also had a fresh diagnosis and, um, NO INCOME STREAM.

But now I’m in a different mindset. I can maybe look for something new if I wanted to.

What I really want, I feel, is where I am.

I think of my friend Kim G. No not that Kim G. The previous one. She was part-time at Phillips even though she worked full-time.

When I asked her why she settled for 34 hours of pay, it was because she could leave at any time after those 34 (well, at least 40 for her) hours.

In other words, she had her priorities and once she knocked them out, gotta go and sorry I can’t help you with that pile of stress you just accepted because you’re not paid by the hour.

Mine is not a job that can be done part-time. Of course, when you think about it, it can’t be done by one full-timer either. But … what if I figured out how to make it a 40-hour gig … and did something else on the side that has more of a spiritual reward at the end rather than financial?

What if I already knew what it was … that I’ve always known what it was … and could just never do it because I’ve never made the time?

What if the Wheel is saying get out of this Ferris wheel car and climb into a different one for a while?

On the fifth day of December, the tarot advent calendar said to me …

What warm, generous, grateful overtures can you make today to those you love, admire and have been helped by?

The Empress is one of those cards you want to see when you’re hoping there’s a birth in your future.

Alas, I’m not looking forward to an actual pregnancy. But I would have preferred a girl if I were ever to perpetuate my DNA.

Besides, my grandmother always said “girls make you ugly.” From where I sit, she isn’t wrong. Even if one started out ugly, gestating a girl didn’t help.

In any event, the Empress is the Divine Mother. And it doesn’t have to be the querant. It can be someone who represents nurturing and love and care to you.

My mind immediately springs to someone who was let go two days before Thanksgiving.

I cannot speak to the circumstances behind this travesty because no one tells me anything anymore. But I can say that there was a little group of us who gave everything and then some. And we are tired. Like, gave till it hurts and now all these fresh faces are in the mix, making changes that often make things different instead of better.

In any event, I’ve been meaning for a few weeks now to call this motherly type.

So I’m not going to read into this card other than to pick up the damn phone and say hi to someone who was good to me for a very long time.

We used to talk tarot and she made me some beautiful crystal bracelets. There is something I can do for her now, and it’s about time I did it.

Was on a two-week break from work.

Got my final wisdom tooth pulled yesterday to start my first day back.

It was excruciating and I was on constant calls and my mouth bled all day.

Still, amid those constant calls, I heard many variations of “you look so relaxed.”

My favorite variant was, “So this is what you being relaxed looks like.”

I was 10 minutes into my first call of the day when I said I need another two weeks off because of what you people are proposing we do in the next two weeks.

Jesus Christ, I came back to my desk with four things I HAVE to achieve this week. And they dumped on those two extra projects … plus 12 reports … plus being secretary and planning meetings between two Japanese-speaking groups … plus I don’t even know what because my OOO message somehow stayed up yesterday. So I guess I’ll get hit with more today.

Can’t wait till my next vacation in two weeks.

And a buncha years at Blogspot before Jack sold it and started Twittah.

“The ability to bend an inch at a time while seeming to stand up straight is a useful and gendered skill. Most women I know do it regularly. They bend until they’re pretzeled and then blame themselves for the body aches.”

Isabel Kaplan