Three Januaries ago, Mom and I went to Target to grab an item that wasn’t at our regular store.
We saw a little gray tabby sitting under a Target truck like she owned the place.
I ran back in to buy a can of food for her.
Then I did that every day for three months. Even when the pandemic sent us into lockdown. She needed to eat despite what us dumb humans were doing.
Mom called her Cocoa Puff.
Cocoa was soon joined by an orange floof who didn’t care about food. Belly just wanted companionship.
A good two dozen kitties would eventually join our little Turd Herd. (A phrase I only coined yesterday while laughing about some Nerd Herd or another.
Here are their “baby” pictures.
Belly is the same size. Magic is a moose now.
But Cocoa has only gotten tinier. No matter how much she eats. And believe me, she downed half a salmon this morning and a whole chicken breast last night.
My baby is wasting away like Kadie with thyroid issues. I have not stopped crying for two weeks.
I was holding Cocoa yesterday and standing next to Mom as she cut up a rotisserie chicken to feed our six (including three outside) cats.
The outdoor ones were especially grateful for the warm food for that unusually cold night.
Cocoa laid her head on mom’s shoulder. So cute.
Mom said, “Your momma waited her whole life to love you, Cokie. Did you know that?”
I cried more.
It’s true. I’ve loved all my babies. But I will die without her. She’s the sweetest, purriest and most loving of the bunch.
I’ve been feeling so guilty that no matter what I do, I can’t keep her forever.
But then I thought about how I was out buying lobster today so she might eat it. (She rejects most things these days.) How she loves the beach. How I treat her better than most people treat their children.
And it’s not enough to save her. But I hope I’ve given her some joy and ease and safety. God knows I have all the love for her.
Middle child Belly feels it. Magic does too. The all-consuming love for Cokie, that is.
I remember when Maddie died, that’s when I could finally show more love to Kadie.
Magic tried to steal Cokie’s lunch today. It was the seventh thing I’d tried and the first to work. So I sat protecting her and said Magic, your day will come. Let your sister have hers.
I know I shouldn’t sit around pre-grieving. There will be plenty of time for that someday soon enough.
I just know that I have never loved a hoomin like I love this little girl. And I probably never will.
Mom’s right. I was born to be Cocoa’s momma.
I don’t know how old she is. But the three years I’ve gotten aren’t near enough.
“Only God will know the reasons
But I bet He must have had a plan
‘Cause you were born to be my baby
And baby I was made to be your (mom.”
And to all a good night.
