Caterwauling

I’m not watching DWTS like I did with Mom.

Really not into the “90-Day Fiancé” franchise either.

I am sticking with “Golden Bachelorette” though.

Her old best friend texted to tell me it was on the past two weeks. And I texted her today to say they are showing the first two episodes on Freeform. We are watching it together and picking out who Mom would have liked.

The guy who drove in with the station wagon, for sure. Keith. Keith looks like an old friend of mine from Phillips who I recently reconnected with. But it’s the driving up in a relic that caught my attention. Scumby and his Chevy tin-can, as Gram used to call it.

I think she would have liked Jack. He reminds me of someone I dated, looks-wise. She liked that look.

I’d take Frenchie. Any man who promises to fly me to Paris for dinner is worth a few dates.

And Kelsey’s dad. OH MY GOD, what a sweetheart. He probably wins this. He’s a total package for sure.

One of the guys at the end of the first episode said, “I’m not looking for someone to grow old with. I’m looking for someone to stay young with.”

As I look at the ruins of my life … and being alone in my house for the first time in 18 years … I’ve started thinking.

Like, oh shit. I really don’t want to die alone. But … I really need some live-alone time.

So I dig that. Someone to stay young with.

Or someones. Who knows.

I did get a vision the other day. Was talking to my tarot cards and trying to see why I got the Knight of Pentacles.

I can’t get the vision out of my head. I know exactly who was in it and where I was.

And I thought, OK, it’s all good. I turn out fine.

That’s my favorite question lately. How do I turn out. How do things turn out for me.

Haven’t seen a bad card yet.

Two decks gave me 10P today.

I wish I were as gorgeous as Joan Vassos. And that I had a mansion full of prospects.

But that’s OK. I have a lot of work to do in the meantime.

And I hope that whoever I saw is doing the same.

I wasn’t invested in Dancing With the Stars this season.

Mom and I watched last season. We loved our Greg from the Brady Bunch. Watched Carrie consistently shit on him and viewers save him.

I didn’t realize it was on till Anna Delvey competed with her ankle monitor. Which, I live in Florida. Those are always setting off the metal detectors at Ross Dress for Less. Or maybe those people are shoplifting, too, who knows.

What caught my attention was when, after being eliminated on Night 2 and being asked what she learned, she said, “Nothing.”

Carrie went after her apparently. But I am not clicking on any of those links. I am no fan of either woman’s, but less of hers.

Didn’t think much about it till I watched the “Grey’s Anatomy” season premiere last night. Since when is it on in the 10 p.m. hour? I mean, I got to watch my RHOC at 9 so I was happy. But still. Demotion?

In any event, Miranda Bailey got fired (just from Seattle Grace, thankfully) and they brought in an old hippie-dippie castmate from the past to replace her. I forget her name. I plan to forget it again.

The new doctor was very much like me — the “that’s OK” and “what can we learn from this” and “let’s fix it together type.”

The interns were so used to getting yelled at, they realized they would have preferred that.

I stopped and wondered if I haven’t been tough enough on some people. They are all my favorites. And I think they work hard for me. So I don’t get nuts when things go awry. I help them fix it so I don’t have to fix it again.

But I’ll leave my “should I channel my inner Miranda Bailey more” for another day. Though I do wonder about whether people like the toughness.

I haven’t had a tough boss who was good, IMHO. My favorites were the nice ones. Not the too-nice ones. Fucking “Snip snip” ballerina Wayne.

OMG FUCK that guy. Having to send him screenshots of my work to prove I did it. When I was literally writing, editing, doing layout, posting to the website and social media, and BROADCASTING TO EMAIL AND SMS. Jesus fuck, wayne, figure it out.

He called them “snip snips” because of the snipping tool. I hope someone snips his fucking scrotum off.

He NEVER helped when I needed it. He had too many emails to read. Bitch, I did too — and 19 pubs to put out in a day. And a marketing department to jump high for.

When I got his job, I didn’t feel bad AT ALL.

Now, I did learn a lot from the assholes. But mostly about how I don’t want to be.

Every story I tell about Brad reminds me what fucking asshole he was. And inept. There were some good things he did, don’t get me wrong. But it’s a shortlist.

So, when Anna said she learned nothing from the experience and Carrie clutched her pearls and went after her in the media, I took Anna’s side.

Carrie seems mad because you have to consciously be refusing to learn.

No, actually. You don’t.

I found some notes from a performance review today. That I have to be more of a leader. And some other stuff.

Hey, I am open to feedback. Always have been. From those “in it” with me. Anyone who’s handed a stack of questions to answer about me better know me before I take that seriously.

I mean, I take everything seriously. I like paying rent. I take it too seriously.

And no one knows my shortfalls better than me. No need to shame me for them. I question every word out of my mouth and out of my fingers — who is listening. Who is recording. Who is spying. Who is going to make judgments of me. Who is going to decide if my cats eat tomorrow.

Anyway I was going to toss those notes. But maybe I will keep them to ensure my anxiety stays at an elevated level.

So, in that context, maybe you do have to be anti-learning to learn something. But again, what you learn might traumatize someone else if you model that behavior. And you might end up in an ankle bracelet of your own.