I can’t believe Miami N3 got “Guilty as Sin.”
Or that N1 got “Daylight.”
But that’s OK. I got Debutation and that’s the best outcome for my soul.
I was riding high on Sunday after the Big Concert. Brightline called it the Big Concert so I get to do the same.
I had to laugh though. All I did was sit for two train rides, two shuttle rides and at least part of the four-hour show.
Which, I’ve never sat at The Eras Tour. But for what I paid for that seat, Hard Rock Stadium is lucky I didn’t take it home with me.
And I needed all of Sunday to recover.
Meanwhile Blondie sang and danced in the rain for three nights straight. How the hell has she done this for two years?!
I technically didn’t know I was going to the show till I heard “Rocking Robin” completely randomly at Brightline. And, of course, till I forked over my credit card and waited for the confirmation screen.
But I always felt like I’d find my way to at least one of the Miami shows.
Now that the anticipation is over, now what?
Like that thing I have literally been living for … TO LIVE FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL … is over.
And yes it was magical and even better than I remembered/could have imagined.
I even got to see the brand-new TTPD set!
And Billy Joel attended Miami N2 just like he attended Tampa N3 and he’s now my Eras Tour Twin. I don’t make the rules.
What the fuck else is there to live for?
I mean, I do have ONE thing.
That other thing, “I Did Something Bad” (ha) last year.
THAT has kept me going.
As Mom’s health declined. As Cocoa died. As my neighbors assaulted and stalked me to the point I couldn’t feed my street kitties.
As my sanity unraveled. As Mom could no longer leave the house. As she took her final downturn on my birthday. As she eventually died just steps from where Cocoa did.
As I kept working through my grief because I need my job and no one else knows it like me anyway.
Through it all, I knew there was an Eras Tour ticket at the end of this fucked-up rainbow.
But beyond the one fun thing I still have left, what’s next for me?
Clarification — what’s left that’s GOOD?!
I say this because I ran out to buy food for the street kitties yesterday. Probably about $50 worth. I left it on my neighbor’s doorstep and said “thank you for being my treat dealer.”
(Those babies are so skinny. I don’t know if she’s able to feed them enough. Now, I don’t have to worry about that for a while.)
While I was out, I saw a Christmas decoration Mom would have begged for. Christ, I wasn’t ready for Christmas. Not yet.
I could hear myself grumbling about that decoration, if she wanted it (which, of course she would) and saying something I couldn’t take back.
But that was the ritual. I also could see myself buying it anyway. And I could see her cherishing it like she cherished everything.
It hit me I will never have that argument again. Or a beautiful house with delicious Mom-made food.
No more waking up like I did last Christmas and thanking the universe for our family of five.
I did, you know. I was so worried about Cocoa. Not worried enough about Mom.
Who knew I’d be left with the other three jabronis just three months later. And two jabronis five months after that.
“Say it once again with feeling
How the death rattle breathing
Silenced as the soul was leaving
The deflation of our dreaming
Leaving me bereft and reeling
My beloved ghost and me
Sitting in a tree
D-Y-I-N-G.
I’ve always had the Eras Tour.
And all the unhinged posts.
Like, how cool that this Mama Swift lookalike got to watch football with Mama Kelce at the Brightline station?
But when Blondie said during N3 that this was the last rain show because the next shows are all at indoor stadiums, that hurt in a “first Christmas without Cocoa and Momma” way.
All I have left are the livestreams. What do I do when those end?