All she wrote
I was listening to the song listed at the bottom of this entry as I drove the GW Parkway today. I had the sunroof open (because it’s 65 degrees in D.C. in January. Hah!) and the CD player cranked up. I was probably going 85 mph when I realized I was in a “40” zone. Whoops!
The lyrics aren’t poetic genius, but they’re raw enough that I identified with them.
“I can’t explain
What it’s like not knowing if I’ll ever cross your mind
Today was that day
It was that time
And that was all that she wrote for me
You fell away
I don’t know why
And that was all that she wrote for me.”
And I was kind of annoyed at what even went through my head, but sometimes, you just can’t stop these things. It’s ridiculous how we idolize people who either couldn’t give us the time of day or who left before the sunset. Premature evacuation, as it were.
The thing is, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a “real” relationship in my life. I’ve gone through droughts and then dated a bunch of people at once, almost making up for the downtime (my friend Shan calls it “building the perfect man” — date a bunch and get a quality you need from all of them). And, inevitably, my heart always belonged to the one who didn’t want it, yet there was always someone practically tap-dancing just to get a moment of my time. The vicious circle of heartache, indeed.
But what’s odd about the person who popped into my mind today was that I KNOW something was happening for both of us. Rather, I knew. Don’t ask me how I knew — I just did. And for a moment today, I was angry at myself for writing it off so easily … for doing my usual, “Well, it wasn’t meant to be” blase bullshit that I always say when I don’t get something I want. I will not beg, force or otherwise coerce someone into my corner. Fuck ’em for not being bright enough in the first place to realize that I can be everything and more. Fuck ’em for not hanging in there to be everything and more to me.
In any event, I’m over it. Really. I guess I just had a meltdown moment because, as the song was playing in the car, I saw him. Or, rather, someone who drove what he drove … someone who was tailgating me (even though I was very much exceeding the speed limit!). My breath caught in my throat, my heart palpitated and I almost drove straight into the Potomac River, wondering if I’d unconsciously wished for him and there he suddenly was in my rearview mirror.
And, even though it wasn’t really him on the parkway, he in fact remains in the rearview mirror. Today, it hurt to look back. And wishing for him never did bring him back, and I’ve had to be OK with it for quite some time now. Hell, I wouldn’t know what to do with him even if he were around — that ship sailed a long time ago. We crossed paths for as long as we needed to. No hard feelings … at least, none I wish to admit to. 🙂
And that, my friends, is all she wrote and all she will write on this one!
On iTunes: Default, “All She Wrote”
January 10th, 2005 at 7:36 PM
You always write beautifully. Happy New Year, Dawn. You are an amazing woman.
January 10th, 2005 at 10:41 PM
“It’s ridiculous how we idolize people who either couldn’t give us the time of day or who left before the sunset.”
Girl, you speaks da truf.
I’m sorry you almost drove into the Potomac.
I, too, hope your year is full of love.
And may he reciprocate!
January 11th, 2005 at 12:26 AM
“And, inevitably, my heart always belonged to the one who didn’t want it, yet there was always someone practically tap-dancing just to get a moment of my time.”
For me, this quote really hits home. It is strange how often in life we want someone who wants someone who wants someone else who wants us. It is like a sort of vicious chain of desire.
January 11th, 2005 at 12:38 AM
OH…one more comment. Song suggestion…”And She Was” by Talking Heads.
January 11th, 2005 at 1:49 PM
May the new year bring us all we want … and deserve. No more half-hearted entanglements, one-sided affairs nor leaving before sunset (or, more appropriately, sunrise). Let’s make a deal to demand and receive the best there is to have!