Caterwauling

Well, I managed to stay awake through “Grey’s Anatomy” last night, although I’m admittedly bored by the Izzie/George “romance” storyline.

Looks like they’re going to end it, though — at the conclusion of the show, they had a discussion about how it’s not a question of chemistry but instead one of timing.

And once the screams in my head quieted down about “WHAT chemistry?” because, well, ew, I thought, wow, boy does that explain a lot in my own life.

In any event, when I did fall asleep, I had a dream in which there was a whole roomful of people with whom I had chemistry but something was wrong with the timing. It was like a reunion party with that particular cast of characters — “Goddess’ ghosts of Christmas past.”

I’ll admit, “poor timing” often translated into “worked together at the time” or “somebody was somebody’s ex and the other was their friend and you KNOW you’re not allowed to date friends’ exes.”

Which, for the record, I am NOT a fan of leaving chemistry in the dust for such petty reasons, because all those friends and jobs are LONG gone. But, you know. You do what seems right at the time and leave it up to the universe to decide whether to rekindle it.

But what you don’t remember is that the universe is busy and forgets about you. I can just hear it telling me, “Well, I GAVE you all those chances — you want more when you didn’t try to make any of those work? Ungrateful brat.”

And it really fucking sucks when the “right thing to do” is to give up what you wanted, when all you were really doing was hoping one of you would grow a set and commit to sticking around and figuring it out. I hope they don’t think they were as easy to walk away from as it might have seemed. Likewise, I hope I wasn’t that easy to leave, either.

They said at church a couple of weeks ago basically how God gets angry when you lose faith and take your concerns to others and not Him. What was the quote, “He is displeased when you run to the phone and not to the throne.” But I have been asking for His help. I’ve had the same four items on my list for two decades, give or take some modifications. What if those things are never meant to be? Then what should I be asking for?

And am I missing opportunities in the meantime? I need someone to bop me over the head sometimes. Or kick me in the ass. Or both.

Chemistry is such a tricky thing. You feel it when it happens. You feel it when the other person isn’t in the same state or country. And even when it’s supposedly gone, you feel its hot fingers grip your heart when you merely think of that other person’s name.

And squelching it is about as easy as battling a California wildfire. Sometimes I think I deserve an award from Smokey Bear for (at least, on the surface) winning the battle. But when it all comes down to it, why am I always fighting against and never fighting for anything?

This entry was posted on Friday, December 7th, 2007 at 7:33 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.